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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
then it pops into my head that he is such a skillful deceiver.

Don't say this out loud. It is ok to say this here, but don't say to him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How can I get rid of the thought I was SECOND best. He wasn't even having sex with her for 5 years but yet he was willing to risk losing me. I feel he's settling for me although he says he never stopped loving me. Dr Harley says "caring means your spouse's needs ahead of your own".

I'm having a hard time believing he loves me when he kept the lies and facade for 8 years.

I question what's wrong with me when I still feel I love this person who has committed the ultimate betrayal not once but twice. I feel I have no backbone. I wish he would have gotten rid of her before I found out.

In one of your postings, Melody, you write he is still in love with the OW. I feel so tired of competing and feel I deserve a husband that thinks of me as #1. I am so depressed, but of course not showing it to him. I feel I'm the one that has to be stoic and Plan A.


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
How can I get rid of the thought I was SECOND best. He wasn't even having sex with her for 5 years but yet he was willing to risk losing me. I feel he's settling for me although he says he never stopped loving me. Dr Harley says "caring means your spouse's needs ahead of your own".

I'm having a hard time believing he loves me when he kept the lies and facade for 8 years.

I question what's wrong with me when I still feel I love this person who has committed the ultimate betrayal not once but twice. I feel I have no backbone. I wish he would have gotten rid of her before I found out.

In one of your postings, Melody, you write he is still in love with the OW. I feel so tired of competing and feel I deserve a husband that thinks of me as #1. I am so depressed, but of course not showing it to him. I feel I'm the one that has to be stoic and Plan A.

You are not in Plan A. The competition is OVER. The skank has been removed. No more competition. You are both in Plan Recovery and he should be busting his butt to give you just compensation. I know it doesn't feel great today, but if he does a great job meeting your needs, this will fade. I promise you. I am years into recovery and I never think about it. I do feel like I am #1 in my H's life and YOU WILL TOO if you stick with this.

You most certainly DO have a backbone. You ran that hoe off very effectively. You do not EVER have to settle for less in your marriage. If your H doesn't do a great job at meeting your needs and putting you first, you do not have to stay married.

hugs to you, my friend. hug I know you hurt today, but I promise it will get better.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for your words. I really respect you

You and of course Dr Harley give me strength. Years ago after DDay #1 in 2011,when I talked to my friends and family about exposure, they made me feel that was an illogical thing to do and this affair was between my husband and I and that's as far as it should go.

I hope other betrayed spouses overcome their fear to do that. One of the woman colleagues of the OW that received my exposure letter said to me: how dare I wreck OW reputation. In my most patient voice, I told her colleague that I had not wrecked the OW's reputation. I was just sharing the truth about what OW has been doing for 8 years and requesting her influence of OW. She actually laughed at me and said she has never heard of a licensed clinical psychologist making such a statement.

Tomorrow is when about 75 more colleagues will most likely receive the letters sent via US mail.


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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Bikerwife-

Those who are waywards might see it as inappropriate. But maybe they will think twice.

I exposed some stuff and got backlash from family. They didn't say it to my face. Then I realized why. The person who criticized behind the scenes, had recently been sucked in by inappropriate interactions with a high school lover. Of course they would see my stance of exposure as threatening.

Just move forward. It's not pretty, but it's your reality, and sometimes you gotta amputate a limb to save a life.

You are so brave and strong. You can feel better in time, if your husband gives just compensation.

Hugs.

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I hope other betrayed spouses overcome their fear to do that. One of the woman colleagues of the OW that received my exposure letter said to me: how dare I wreck OW reputation.

Silly me! All this time I though the OW had wrecked her own reputation by having an affair with a married man! rotflmao Talk about blaming the victim!!

Quote
Tomorrow is when about 75 more colleagues will most likely receive the letters sent via US mail.

You did an amazing job!!! If anyone comes after you, just remind that it is wrong to screw a married man; it is not wrong to expose the despicable actions of such a person.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know, right! If OW didn't want people thinking she's a skanke, she should have bean a skank!


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I just got s call from someone in New Mexico. Says doesn't know OW, but someone posted my letter on Reddit.com. I only told the truth. What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all. I did not lie in letter and posted it for you to see.

Thoughts?


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I just got s call from someone in New Mexico. Says doesn't know OW, but someone posted my letter on Reddit.com. I only told the truth. What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all. I did not lie in letter and posted it for you to see.

Thoughts?

This is great!! She might not be able to find a job. Most people don't like hiring adulterers. But that is not your fault!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all.

No, you are not the one who might have more trouble finding a job, so no reason to be nervous.

There's not some law that says "don't reveal the bad things people do or do anything that might make it harder for them to find a job." If there were, people couldn't say "Hey, don't hire Joe, because he's not trustworthy; he's been known to steal from the register." People are allowed to do what they want and say what they want - it's called freedom!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you Brainy.

We went away for 2 days to the beach and had fun. I don't show it to my husband, but I have a tremendous amount is anxiety. MD gave me meds but they make me sleepy. He didn't want to give me anti depressants yet because I have so many unresolved hear issues. My heart rate is 135 right now whereby even with atrial fibrillation it's supposed to stay under 100.

My husband doesn't share enough intimate conversation with me. Melody, I believe you when you say in time I won't be so needy. I want him to tell me, he lives me and respects me but everyday the thoughts go thru my mind that I've been #2 for 8 years. I understand that with just compensation, I will feel better in time. What do I do for the next couple of months. I told him after the polygraph no more talk about the affair but I told him I need words of affirmation. He'll do it for a day and then back to wanting me to just know how much he loves me

I feel foolish, needy and inadequate like he's "settled" for me. If he always has loved me like he said he did, why did he not end the affair sooner.

Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long

He needs to throw himself into the program and do a super job of meeting your needs. Right now he should be working on conversation and affection. This is why it is SO IMPORTANT you start doing the program and change the bad habits that have crippled your marriage. Are you working the program together? Recovery does not happen by magic, but by design.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
My heart rate is 135 right now whereby even with atrial fibrillation it's supposed to stay under 100

There might be many reasons for that, but I would suggest to check your potassium level if it's not done yet.






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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
but I told him I need words of affirmation. He'll do it for a day and then back to wanting me to just know how much he loves me
Keep asking for words of affirmation. And when something makes you feel good, remember to bring it up (later or the next day) and say "I loved it when ____".
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I feel foolish, needy and inadequate like he's "settled" for me. If he always has loved me like he said he did, why did he not end the affair sooner.
My husband had a 12 yr A, and I felt similar at the beginning. Not any more. NO WAY did my H "settle" for me...he fought for me. This MB stuff is HARD WORK! For both spouses!

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long
You've got it. Just Compensation will heal you. It takes a little bit to learn what you want, and what makes you feel loved. And it takes a bit to learn what each of you feel as lovebusters.

One thing that helped me immensely is learning to complain about anything that bothered me. It only takes "I felt sad when you did ____". I had to learn to stop being tempted to explain why it bothered me. Who cares? It does!

Are you actively working the MB program now? Are you both working each day to make a better marriage? Are you both listening to the radio show each day?

After a bit of work and once you see changed behavior (not words) in your husband, then you will begin to realize that he IS fighting to make your marriage better than ever. We were major babies at this (after 35 years of marriage). If we can do it, so can you! smile


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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What do you think??? Obviously I feel the OW Has not been held accountable along with my husband. I have exposed her to the local chapter, but I also wanted her to be held accountable by the National organization. Opinions on my letter? I have exposed my husband to everyone--children, parents- mine and his, family and friends on both sides and family priest.






July 30, 2916

Dear Sir:

Part of the mission statement of CCIM says to "promote the highest ethical standards in commercial real estate".

My question to the CCIM community is thisy: Is a CCIM member exhibiting their highest ethical standard when they choose to have a sexual affair with a KNOWINGLY married client as they are showing and trying to sell them commercial property especially when they are in a Leadership role. Xxxxx is PRESIDENT of the Xxxx Chapter of CCIM.

Xxxxxxx, president of the Xxxxxx chapter has had an 8 year affair with my husband. Perhaps, you may ask yourself how is this relevant ? She agreed to the Code of Ethics of CCIM , an esteemed association. Should she be in a Leadership role when she disgraces her office as she has a sexual affair with a client. I think that statement deserves some thoughtful action by the National Board of Directors. I respectfully request to be included in whatever decisionyou make.

I thank you for your attention to this matter.


With the utmost respect,


Xxxxxxxxx

Questions: call me at Xxxxxxxx

Last edited by Bikerwife; 07/31/16 06:25 PM.

Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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I think thats a great idea!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have a question. D day number two is only nine days ago. My husband seemed to be very sorry for hurting me, but truly I thought he was really sorry after DDay number one also. Sometimes, I cannot read my gut.

I really have tried my best to not love bust and to be very respectful. Today, he told me what a wonderful wife and grandmother I am. I said thank you, but in my head I was really pissed. How can he possibly mean those things when nine days earlier he was with her. Although I want to believe him and maybe someday I will, I just feel like I'm being conned. I would prefer for him not to say those lovely words becaususe I don't believe him yet. How can he possibly be out of withdrawal already? I am so scared of him. I I feel like we're following extraordinary precaution and I have a lot of snooping devices in place that he knows nothing about. But I am scared of trusting him.

Do you feel he's conning me? Is it possible at all that since he hasn't had sex with her in these past five years that she could have emptied She is love bank and he was seeing her more out of habit and passion and lust or am I just wishful thinking?


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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BW, it will take some time for you to believe anything he says. This won't happen overnight. just stick to the plan and don't torture yourself. His recent actions completely defy his words but he is engaging in new actions so your level of trust will change over time.

Go by his actions, not his words.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Today, he told me what a wonderful wife and grandmother I am. I said thank you, but in my head I was really pissed. How can he possibly mean those things when nine days earlier he was with her. Although I want to believe him and maybe someday I will, I just feel like I'm being conned. I would prefer for him not to say those lovely words becaususe I don't believe him yet. How can he possibly be out of withdrawal already? I am so scared of him.

Your reactions are completely rational. If you fell off a ladder would you run back up again two minutes later? Your brain is telling you to take care. He may not be out of withdrawal, men are different from us and can compartmentalise. Women can generally only love one person at a time. Men can love the one they are with.

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I feel like we're following extraordinary precaution and I have a lot of snooping devices in place that he knows nothing about. But I am scared of trusting him.

Of course you are scared now, you have been stabbed through the heart. But the more you snoop and find nothing the less scared you will be.

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Do you feel he's conning me? Is it possible at all that since he hasn't had sex with her in these past five years that she could have emptied She is love bank and he was seeing her more out of habit and passion and lust or am I just wishful thinking?


That's wishful thinking. My mother had an emotional affair for 30 years. They can last longer than physical affairs because they do not burn out so easily.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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