I am new to this forum, and I know the general focus is on marriage. I was just wondering if it would be acceptable to post questions about a long-term relationship. If so, where should I direct them, and if not, can anyone recommend a good forum for such questions? This one is extremely professional in appearance, and other forums I have found do not compare as far as depth of questions and answers, but I would hate to violate the rules.

Hi, Huffleclaw, welcome to Marriage Builders. Questions about long term relationships are welcome here on the forum in the dating and relationships section and are also welcome on Dr. Harley's radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Two good Marriage Builders books we can recommend to those who aren't married are Fall in Love Stay in Love and Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. But you don't have to get the books to ask questions.

Thank you. I suppose I won�t clutter the section with a new thread. I'm a little nervous, but here goes. My situation is thus:

I have been having a great deal of conflict with my significant other. I moved across the country to be with him back in January. Since then, he has started working night shift�an opposite schedule from the job I currently have, and I am starting to feel the strain of being separated from my family and my friends. I am not having the easiest time making friends, and I feel very lonely a great deal of time. It makes me very sad that we don�t sleep or eat together very often, and I spend a lot of time alone. I go to restaurants alone and walk around downtown alone. I like to be alone and I�m shy, so this is okay sometimes, but it�s starting to be a little much. I don�t think he experiences this as much because his job is very demanding and the hours are long, so he has a hard enough time just getting adequate sleep. I miss my family, and I miss the job I left behind to be with him. I know this puts a great deal of pressure on him to be my only emotional support (at least, the only one that is physically present), and I feel that my way of expressing these feelings to him in the past has made him resentful and unwilling to sympathize with what I am going through.

Currently, he does many nice and thoughtful things for me like leaving me flowers and making me cookies to cheer me up, but I need a great deal more physical attention and affection than I am getting. He feels that he has done everything he can to make me happy, and he makes many sacrifices that I don�t appreciate. Even working this job is for my sake, so we can have money and live well. Recently, I threatened to leave him and go back to my family, and now it feels like that is the sole focus of our interaction. We are both very hurt, and I think that makes it difficult to extend understanding or forgiveness, even though that is what I desperately want. I want him to want me to stay and treat me like I�m important, but he thinks of me almost leaving as something I did to hurt him that I must atone for. Whenever we have an argument, he brings it up as a trump card to prove how much I am willing to give up, and he is not. I am at a loss for how to express myself further to him, and I�m worried that maybe it�s impossible to make this situation work, given all the roadblocks.

I have many questions. I know some people can make this kind of situation work, but I�m wondering how. What are some strategies I can use to try not to rely on him for all of my emotional needs? How can I know if I am asking too much of him? Is he not being fair to me? How do I look at this objectively? I�ve thought maybe what I should do is just go home for a little while, at least until he is finished working the night-shift (two months from now), so we can both get some perspective. Is that a good idea? If it is, how do I present it in a positive way, so it doesn�t seem like I�m just trying to leave him again?

It is difficult to be concise in this post. Some other considerations are that he needs to sleep during the day, and he has a hard time getting enough sleep. He is often tired, physically and mentally, and doesn�t have to capacity to deal with me when I become sad or emotional, which is happening with greater frequency, much to my chagrin . I feel very guilty about this, but it is something I must acknowledge and accept about myself. I feel that by going to stay with my family, I would also be granting him the ability to sleep soundly. And we would both not being seeing each other at our respective worsts.

I've thought about seeing if he would go to counseling with me, or maybe do the questionnaires presented on the site as other approaches, but I'm in an advice-seeking frame of mind right now.

Hi Huff!

So the two of you are living together? NO judgment about it, but do you know why Dr H says that is the kiss of death to a relationship? Why 90% of those marriages fail?

I would move back to your family just to remedy the above and go from there.

Have you read much on the site yet?
Do you understand how the love bank works?

The point of marriage is to have each other meet each others emotion needs? You can't ever shut that off. Anytime he doesn't-it will always hurt you. Your heart won't let you shut it off.
Dating is suppose to be a test to see if they do meet your needs easily and promise to forever.

Of course your getting depressed, you aren't being treated with extraordinary care BUT it isn't something anyone has to do unless one is married. Will he follow the POJA? (Policy of enthusiastic agreement)

The questionnaires don't work the same with engaged or just boyfriend/girlfriend. (that is What DR H says, not me... the dynamic is just way to different between married and not married)
However, if he would start reading with you Buyers, renters and freeloaders and perhaps Fall in love, stay in love. You could see how to really have a long romantic relationship in marriage together.

Also, Dr Harley has stated the greatest indicator of future happiness is the willingness of each partner to POJA and to have UA time together, meeting each others important emotional needs.
It doesn't sound like he is willing to do either and when you make a complaint- is punishing you for it. Huge, huge red flag.
*Atone- seriously? That attitude will never work*

I admit, as an ex abused women.

The number one thing an abuser uses against the women is guilt.

Whenever I hear or read someone say they feel guilty for the way they feel.... I just get really worried about who you are with. You aren't doing anything to warrant guilt.

A genuine, loving relationship would never, ever, ever have you feel guilt about this.

Guilt is a huge, enormous, flame waving flag telling me-you need to get away from this man.

I think your gut is telling you the same and you are rationalizing it away. Going home to your parents won't be the end of a real loving relationship. A man in love couldn't be dragged from you so easy. Please go home.

The tickets back home have been purchased.

The hard part is doing it, but I think I just needed to have somebody tell me I was doing the right thing. There will always be a small part of me that says I gave up. I didn't do everything I could have.

Well done!

Giving everything you can to save the relationship is what you do when things go wrong after you are married. While you are single, you are a free agent. It still hurts of course.

I am very glad to hear it. I am sorry for the pain though...

Lets see what he does... if he is really serious, you going will not end things. If it does- good to know now before things progressed.

And what is wrong with "giving up"? or Breaking up? Isn't that kinda part of the big point of dating? To find out if you need too? You should applaud yourself for being strong enough to get out instead of staying stuck in relationship problems that weren't working for you.

Too many people date and when they see all the red flags or problems, try to address them but the POINT of dating is to see if things don't work out to move on!!!!

If you have to try this hard and feel this much guilt over a relationship that isn't marriage..... move on!

***EDIT***

It would be you life that doesn't understand Dr. harley concepts.

They aren't married- she doesn't have to give marriage commitment when no marriage exists.

Dr. Harley would tell her to stop living together before marriage or else they set up a renter relationship which destroys most relationships that live together before marriage.

She made thoughtful complaints about how she is feeling- he punished her for them, is not willing to follow POJA and then on top of it- wants her to "atone" for her complaints.
Thats abuse and she is wallowing in guilt for not being happy with the way things are.

The way things are aren't working for her- and he is not willing to help.

She needs to go home.

Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts, or refrain from posting.