Question:

Since we had our little 3 month false recovery and she openly resumed the affair again, should I re-expose to everyone that I exposed to the first time, to let them know what is going on?

Also, since she somewhat tried to end the affair over the past 3 months before giving up on the marriage again, does it mean we are finished? She thinks since we tried to save the marriage the past 3 months and she didnt fall head over heels in love with me during that time, that it means we are incompatible and her and OM are meant to be with eachother.
Or does this exact same thing happen a lot in marriages that have successfully recovered?

What does Dr. Harley say in the book? If you look there, you can find your answer.

Try to not talk about divorce at all. Tell her that is what lawyers are for. Change the subject.

Do not re-finance or do anything other than get your own bank account without talking to legal counsel. (Have you taken care of this yet?)
*If you do re-finance she will be off the hook entirely... don't do this to yourself*

And yes, WW or WH dream of civil divorces to make it easier on their conscience. It is part of the fantasy.

They will swing to mad to happy just to see which tactic works to get what they want.
And of course she is depressed. She is having an affair. If she doesn't stop, she may never recover.

It wouldn't hurt to at least tell close friends and family again about what is going on now. She is going to try to spin this as we tried and they need to know she never stopped having her affair.

It's crazy how civil she is being. Her big plan is to get an apartment from her job, which would be free, and continue to have a joint account so she can help me pay for house and bills and stuff. I guess she is just so focused on having her own place to stay so her and OM can be together in peace like newlyweds or something.

I tested her earlier and said I would be moving out in a couple days so she can stay here and be able to bring kids to daycare and everything else. She reminded me that the kids will freak out if they dont see me everyday. Like its my fault if i hurt the kids by moving out. She also said she will probably just sell the house if I don't stay here. I told her I can't afford the house by myself. That was when she reminded me she was still going to help pay the mortgage and bills. I said "I appreciate that, but that won't last long before OM talks you out of it." She said "this has nothing to do with OM." I just replied "ok" and left it at that. But I'm guessing anything that I do to ruin her apartment idea will soon have her worked into a rage.

Would it be better to go ahead and move out, since that will put a strain on the affair by making it harder for her to get an apartment? And it will also make it harder to justify to her family why she wants an apartment so badly, whenever I am gone and she could easily stay at her house? I know it is always advised for a BH to never leave his house, but in this case it woukd be much better for her if I do stay. And her apartment will be free. So she will be under no extra financial strain. At least if I do leave she will have to pay the mortgage by herself until she can sell the house. And it will be hard for OM to live here since all the neighbors know of the affair, and her sister lives a few houses down the road and brings her kids over a lot to swim. At the apartment, her and OM would never be bothered by anyone.

She also wants me to keep the kids at home most of the time and she will just come visit them or keep them at the apartment on nights that OM is working. Since she will be too ashamed to have the 5 year old at the apartment while OM is there. OM works shift work. So he only works 2 nights at a time and then is off a few nights. So at least if I leave, she will be forced to keep the kids a whole week at a time.

The lawyer already told me a few months ago that I won't be able to take the house. I have more money in my 401k than equity in the house. And she is entitled to half the 401k.

It makes sense to me to go ahead and move out. Does anyone else see any reason why I shouldn't move it?

At this point- if I were you- i would write Dr Harley.

My bet is he would tell you not to leave because it gives you grounds to have main custody of the kids and your kids need one sane parent while the other is off being a wayward.
(Trust us, you don't want a wayward caring for your kids!!!!)

Ask your lawyer to go full bore against your W. Show how she left, she wanted you to be the care taker- and ask for full custody.
Keep your mind on what would be best for your kids/ etc and not on making it harder. You can sell the house after the divorce- stay put!

But again, ask Dr Harley.

Here Men Don't Leave your Home

I guess you are both right. I'm probably just more focused on trying to prevent her and OM from living together, than I am on what's best for kids or me

Today she is almost manic. Running around singing and playing, but still being mean and grouchy to me. I don't know what is coming, but she is about to try to hurt me in some kind of way. I have a feeling that the offer to stay in the house and have her give me money for bills is probably out the window by now.

I guess I will tell her that the guy I was moving in with, has to put it on hold a little while. So I can try to stay here and finish out my 2 months left of plan A.

Please remind me. Are you paying for anything that is allowing to continue her affair? Do yours and her parents and families know she is still in the affair? Have you confronted the OM?

What are you doing in your Plan A?

Yes Brainhurts. I exposed to everyone a few months ago and confronted OM, but he hid and told his sister to lie and say he wasn't home. So I called and he blocked my number and finally I emailed him and he responded that he wasn't perusing her anymore.
I went down the checklist with WW and reluctantly got a good bit of transparency.
But OM kept trying to show up at places where he knew WW would be, while I was at work. So she resisted the temptation a while, but started complaining more and more that I was controlling her. Finally, after 4 months of Plan A, she did like Sue in the book and waited for me to log into her account and threw a fit and said she was leaving. I then found out she had resumed contact a week prior to that.

She has been staying with her mom the past 8 days. Her mom is a great enabler. But I have been doing a flawless plan A since she left. I exposed to one new friend we made after the original exposurr, and that had her feeling bad for about 2 days.

She is supposed to be getting an apt. tomorrow, but she called a few minutes ago and said she may stay at home in the spare bed tonight. .

I thought you were going to move with the kids?

Trying to move but cant afford it unless she comes with me and continues to work. My job is supposed to transfer me but everytime the date comes near, something happens and they postpone it. But I can't figure out how I will pay for an apartment and daycare for kids and all that, unless I have a job making the same or more than I do now.

My plan is that if she comes back after this most recent seperation, I will tell her that the condition for coming home is that we have to move away. Do you think this will work, or she will probably just say, "oh well, it isn't going to work then."?

What do you say when a wayward asks why you exposed? I said, "Because I am doing whatever I can to end the affair and save our marriage." But is their a better response?

That is good.
I will not share you with another man.

There's no room for OM in our marriage.

I recently exposed to 2 new people who missed the original exposure, and reexposed to some of the people who didn't speak with WW the first time. Today she found out about the new exposure somehow. She just came home yelling and saying I am making myself look like an idiot. She said everyone thinks I am crazy and doesn't want me around our kids. And that I am just being hateful. And the classic, "I was trying to be nice and was thinking about trying to save the marriage again, but now I am going to the lawyer tomorrow first thing.

She is more angry this time than she was during the original exposure, so maybe it will have more of an effect this time.

I know she is saying the typical wayward things, but I can't help but think, what if people do think I am being crazy? Right now she is at her sisters, and I am certain her sister is agreeing with everything she says. I know I am doing the right thing, but I still feel bad like everyone is probably talking about how I should stop being crazy and just let go.

I'll be glad when all this is over. Hopefully it's with my family intact, and not with me alone and with a reputation for being psycho.

Tell me again if I am doing this right:

She blew up over the recent exposure number 2, yelled and cursed and went to stay at her sisters. She just texted a few minutes again and seems to have calmed down. She texted "you just have to accept that we aren't good together. You deserve better and will be better off. I know it hurts and is scary, but you will be happier. You will see".

So I told her "I am not stopping you from anything. We can make a marriage that is greater than either of us can imagine, but you have to stop the affair or it will never work. "

She said some more about the only thing stopping her from getting the divorce is that she can't afford it right now. So I didn't respond to anything else. I was thinking of just waiting a little longer and texting her "Good night. I love you."

Did I handle that correctly? We've had this same conversation before, but it's scary when she is acting calm like this.

Exposure speeds up the ending of the affair, but it is also a huge lovebuster and you want to avoid lovebusters in plan A. That is why you should only expose once and to all key targets at the same time, trickle exposure shpuld be avoided. Since you already have been in contact with Dr. Harley, it is best to ask his advice on your strategy.

Have you contacted Dr. Harley again?

You should only expose once. Finding minor players here and there after the initial exposure isn't going to have the same effect. If you have gotten to the point that you can no longer continue Plan A (it seems you may be looking for other things you can do to end the affair, perhaps because you're at your wit's end), it may be time to go into Plan B.

She's right on one thing, though. You will be happier. She can either wake up and share that happy life with you or you'll use the knowledge and tools you have acquired to create a happy life with someone else.

It appears the exposure backfired. I heard WW say on the VAR that the new person I exposed to was on my side, but when he found out I exposed to the second person he changed his perspective. Now they both think I am doing this to drag WW thru the mud and they said their loyalty lies with keeping WW and her children safe. Oh well.

Hopefully WW is still embarrassed and thinking twice about having a successful relationship with OM. I heard her explaining it all to OM and saying she feels bad that people are thinking I'm crazy. They were talking about custody and she told OM that I am a great father and much better parent than her. He got mad that she spoke positively of me and they started arguing. She said she will maintain that I am a great father until the day she dies.

The unfortunate reality is that exposure is simultaneously your best tool and your only tool to end the affair. Once you've completed that step (you have), there is nothing more that you can do but wait for the affair to end. During the wait you continue to engage in Plan A, but when you can no longer continue, you go into Plan B. That quote right up there is why you will be the one she goes back to when the affair ends.