You don't think it's time because you have all lost objectivity and don't know what you are doing. Your desperation to hang onto him has greatly impaired your thinking. If you are able to put aside your emotions we can help you, but I would consider this to be hopeless if you can't follow a plan. There is nothing we can do for you.

Isn't timing important? If I do this during a time when we've built up some positive feelings (which we always do when we go there instead of here) then once I cut him off he'll miss me. If I do it here and now where we're at each other , then that negative feeling is the last thing he'll remember. Don't I want him to associate me with good feelings? We are so much happier there playing in the sun

Yes, timing is very important. The time has long PASSED for you to go into Plan B. You are harming your position by hanging on like this.

My husband is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage and (gasp!) work on it, or go with the OW which is much easier because he will "be happy." He needs to realize all the reasons why leaving a 30 year relationship for the OW doesn't mean happiness. He will lose the respect of his adult children and damage their relationship; the relationship with the OW is based on lies, deceit, secrecy, cheating so it is destined to fail on such a foundation; financial impact, etc. Is there a resource or link somewhere that speaks to this and more? Should I argue my point w my husband to make him realize this? I have exposed to my kids. So far he has refused to end the affair (which he claims is just friends now but not true). I may resort to separation until he ends it but I don't think he will. He wants to separate but we have already done so twice .

Bristol, sorry you are dealing with this. My wife is currently in an affair and I have been getting great advice on here that has made a huge difference. I can't really offer much advice, but I guarantee some of the experts will be on here shortly to help you. If you take their advice, no matter how ridiculous it seems or how much it goes against your instincts, I guarantee you will have the best possible chance that anyone can give you to save your marrriage.

Good luck and I am sorry your husband has put you and u our family through this pain.

Thanks DollarBob. Im sorry you are going through this too. Have you exposed your wife's affair and separated until she ends it? I'm so afraid to separate again

I can tell you though that nothing you show your husband to read will have any effect. A wayward spouse can not see logic, no matter how clear it is to everyone else.

My wife tried the same thing too, to say her and the other man are "just friends" now and the affair has already ended months ago.

While you wait on the more knowledgeable people to post, maybe list some more details like you and your husband's ages, number of kids and their ages, who all you have exposed to so far (just kids or anyone else too), anything you know about the other woman like wether she is married, if she works with your husband, how far away she lives and anything thing else you can think of.

But don't argue with him right now or try to educate him, that will only push him away further. And it is impossible to educate him at this time anyway.

They will probably tell you to go into plan A for 3 weeks, where you are the absolute perfect wife the entire time. And also to expose to lots of people, including the other woman's family and friends and you and your husband's family and friends.

But please just wait for the experts to post before you do anything. And in the meantime just don't argue or try to educate your husband, and don't beg or plead or threaten.

I guarantee you will get help soon. It may just be slow on here right now since it is Saturday night.

Good luck.

Bristol, please take the advice you were given. If you are not willing to do this, we will lock the thread because it is a needless distraction.

Are you here to get assistance to separate and go into Plan B?

Yes I am here for advice on two things. 1. Is there a list of reasons why the OW is not the right choice to be happy? 2. If I plan B separate, there is a complication I don't know how to handle. We were in the process of buying a second home and I can't get out of it. The second home is near the OW. He can go there anytime he wants anyway with unlimited spending. Do i stay here in the first home and he goes there? Do I let him alternate w me so he can spend time with our high school child who really misses him from all the travel?

I made a mistake. Somehow when I opened this thread it looked like it was a brand new post from a new member. Now I see it was really on page 11. I feel stupid now.

Regardless Bristol, if you take the advice of the experienced members here, I guarantee it will give you your best chance at saving your marriage. Listen to them, no matter how much your emotions tell you they are wrong or don't understand your unique situation.

This is a distraction and you need to drop it.


You need to contact an atty and get out of the purchase of the second home. you should go into Plan B and change your locks. If your H wants to see the child he can make arrangements through your intermediary and stay in a hotel when he visits.

Change the locks on your house and send your husband a Plan B letter designating an intermediary that will facilitate any pertinent communication about finances, legal matters. After you have done that, you can file for divorce and get legal protection.

Have you exposed his affair?

The attorney advises that we will be sued since we have provided proof of ability to pay the mortgage, have been approved and are just days from closing. They can force us to close.

Do I separate before exposing to work or vice Versa?

Why would I file for divorce? I don't want a divorce .

I have exposed to my kids and my father. His family basically thinks he should do what makes him happy. No friends he is a loner. I have not exposed at work yet. No idea on her friends or family except her ex husband who she left years ago for my husband

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? The Plan B letter is in it.

Yes I've written the plan B letter. My husband also read the book after w had a session with Steve so he knows the gameplan. He basically accused me of writing it with Stece

To protect yourself financially. You can drop the divorce if he ever meets your conditions. But if he doesn't end his affair in 2 years, you should give up and get divorced.


So you should expose a) workplace, b) his family c) friends d) all of her family and friends.

Are you saying that his family is so callous an uncaring that they would endorse adultery? What if he was a serial killer? Would they support that?

Can you post it here so we can give you feedback? Who is your intermediary?

Where is your husband now? Is he in your home?

His only family Is one sister. He told her he had a nervous breakdown over the loss of the ow so she said he should go with her then if she means that much