I had one emotional affair after the birth of our son and another non-emotional one (no sex, but third base) two years ago. I've admitted both to my husband and we agreed to work on things. He recognized he had been emotionally distant and we both admitted to a lack of communication in our marriage. I want to be with my husband but my inability to move forward in recovery is hurting me. I feel like the man from the second incident will try to hurt me. He was very controlling and manipulative. I know I'm at fault and I want to be better. So does my husband. I just need help to stop feeling self-resentment to the point where I hate myself. Help?

Are you still in contact with your affair partners?

If you focus on following a plan of recovery, and focus on building a romantic, affair-proof marriage, this will go away on its own.

No, she's been ill and I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, which is hard because we are both part of the theatre community in our city.

Can you tell us what on the bellow list has been done? What is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

We are trying to communicate more and be more attentive to each other. He wants to reveal everything to the spouse of the guy but I feel that will create more problems than it will solve. We live in a very small town and I'm not from here.

So, you still live in the same city, and are still a part of the same theatre community?

I already ended everything before I spoke to my husband. I don't see the man at all. I don't speak to him online, email, text, nothing. I account for all my time. I communicate constantly with my husband about what I'm doing and if I'm going to be late. He works from home so we are around each other all the time except when I'm with friends or volunteering.

He does need to reveal everything to the spouse. This is called exposure, and will be therapeutic to your marriage.

He also needs to reveal everything to your friends, family and church leaders (if applicable).

Do you have children?

He left the club I belong to but through no fault of my own, I have run into him unexpectedly. I'm polite and dismissive. He blocked me because I ended things.

We have one son who is five.

Sorry for scattered replies. Trying to keep up.

Is the theatre where you met this man? If so, that environment is not healthy to your marriage.

Your marriage CAN recover if you change that environment that led to the affair [affair proof your marriage] and focus on creating a romantic marriage. This program can help you do that.

This is going to be a continual problem in your recovery. Every time you see him, you will be triggered. Everytime you go someplace that the two of you were together, you will be triggered. This is a disaster in the making. Your marriage will never recover as long as there is potential for the two of you to see each other.

You will need to move to another city if you want to recover your marriage.

You should also stop all volunteer work and going out with friends for the time being. You need to spend this time recovering your marriage.

Yes, but he is not a part of my particular group anymore. My husband does work for the theatre as well.

It's not possible to move. That's a bit overkill, isn't it?

I think I maybe made a mistake. This doesn't seem to be the right advice for us. How do I remove this topic?

It is a problem if the OM's wife is not informed. This is vital information about her life that she has a right to know. It is unethical to keep this a secret from her. I understand you want to protect yourself from the consequences, but her right and need to know supersede your selfish interests. You can't very well claim to have remorse if you don't ensure your victim knows what you have done.

Exposure of affairs is very therapeutic because the more people who know, the more people to support your marriage and hold you accountable. With 2 affairs in your background it sounds like you have a serious problem with boundaries, so this step will help in the recovery of your marriage.

It is the right advice for your situation. Just because you don't like hearing it doesn't mean it is the wrong advice. We won't help you sweep your affairs under the rug because we are here to support your marriage, not your affairs.

I've asked for my account to be removed. Thanks.