Usually her excuse for me not going is that she doesn't want to bring the kids and deal with them, so I need to stay home and watch them. It was different during the past 3 months during the false recovery. We went everywhere together except work. It's different now since her most recent seperation.

Earlier I heard her talking to OM on the VAR while on her way to pick up pizza for us. She was talking about me and how I complained during an incident an hour before, where she was yelling at me and I told her to stop being hateful because it was very hurtful.

When she got home, she asked me for some tape. I brought it to her and said, "you know, it hurts me when you leave to go to town and call and talk to OM the whole time."

She said, "why are you still spying on my stuff? We are not ok, Dollarbob."

I didn't really know what to say, so I said, "I am spying because you are having an affair and it hurts me."

She replied, "well maybe you shouldn't look at my stuff."

I said, "It hurts me very much", then I walked out and started playing with the kids.

I didn't have a good response when she asked why was I still spying on her. I figured if I said "because I will not share you with another man", she would have said "I am not yours to share." I wouldn't know what to say to that.

Anyways, she is having a hard time not fighting with me this weekend, because her father is staying at our house.

It's not about winning the debate.
It's about letting her know what you are and are not willing to do.
It doesn't matter if she gets the last word. Let her. You've told her you are not going to share her, so walk off and play with the kids. You don't need a comeback to her rantings.

Thanks Prisca. It's a difficult balance to achieve, since she is acting like she wants to leave but she is just staying here since me and the kids want her to and she is such a wonderful person.

It's hard to tell her it hurts me when she does stuff to further the affair, without sounding like I am begging or desperate. And I feel stupid saying some things, because I know she tells OM everything I do or say.

It hurts me when you ...
It bothers me when you ...
I am not willing to ...

You are not going to sound begging or desperate if you stick to those. Unless you are sobbing or yelling or throwing a fit ... are you remaining calm?

When was the last time you talked to OM?

I always remain calm. Remaining calm and being patient was always 2 of my greatest strengths.

OM has me blocked on every form of communication. When I found he had a new cell number a couple weeks ago, I tried calling him. But he blocked that and instead tattled on me to WW, so she could argue with me instead.

I feel like he is afraid of me, but he tells WW he is just not engaging me because he is above that type of petty behavior. And she believes it, or tells me she does. And it makes me look crazy. But he did hide from me and had his sister lie for him the last time I went to his house. And he just became a policeman in the past month, so you would think he would be a little more brave than that.

I wonder, with him being a policeman, if it would be a big deal for me to call or message his boss? His recenttly ex wife told the boss he was using his power and uniform to try and intimidate her, but I guess it had little effect. I know he was questioned about it and offered to take a polygraph to prove his innocence, but nothing ever happened.

What if I do sometjing like that other poster did, and put his profile on one of those cheater sites? Is that a good idea?

WW is on her way to pick up the kids to meet me in an hour for a little birthday celebration for the baby. I assume she is speaking to OM since she always does on her way home from work, but I won't be sure until I listen to the VAR to tonight.
Should I tell her now, while she is on her way to get kids, that the affair is hurting me and needs to end? She will probably get mad and bring the kids without me or not go at all, but it will get her out of this happy and dismissive mood she is in.

Do a fantastic Plan A and wait to listen to the VAR and then tell her.

That's what I ended up trying to do, Brainhurts. But on the way home she accidentally texted me and said, "don't call back. I will be with Dollarbob." That was obviously meant for OM. So she immediately texted me, "woops. Wrong person. LOL."
So I waited until we got home, and acted like nothing happened for 20 minutes or so. Then I told her, "you are hurting me everyday more than you can imagine. And when you accidentally send me texts like that, it makes it hurt 10 times more." She didn't respond and I left it at that, and went and played with the kids and bathed them.

What do I do since she is staying back at home now and sleeping in our bed? She is obviously talking to OM everyday, and she has me at home taking care of her. So she has the best of both worlds. What else can I do now to make the affair unpleasant, besides telling her everyday how much she is hurting me?

How is the move coming along?

The move is not coming along very well. I can't figure out how to do it alone and be able to bring the kids. I do industrial work, so every job I find has hours that start before any daycare opens. So if WW doesn't come, I will have no one to bring kids to school and daycare.

How do I discuss the move with WW? I discussed it a few times before this recent seperstion, but she didn't seem too interested.

Should I be telling her everyday that we need to move? Do I tell her I am moving and taking the kids with me? What will happen to the kids if WW doesn't go? I assume that the day I leave, she will file a report for kidnapping or something like that.

Did I do this right:

I told WW "I love you but this affair is hurting me worse than anything I've ever felt. Everytime I see you talk to OM, it's like a knife in my chest. We can make a romantic marriage that is better than we can imagine. Stop the affair and stop hurting me and the kids."

She replied, "I'm not working on things. I'm only at home until an apartment becomes available in September, and it's easier ro stay home than at moms. Stop holding on to something that has ended a long time ago. Also, I'm not having an affair. OM is my friend, but I am not sleeping with him. And I am not hurting the kids."

I said, "It is very hurtful when you say things like that."

She said, "what am I supposed to say?"

I ended the conversation there. But I feel really dumb and like I am hanging on, whenever she says stuff like that. Obviously though, if she is just staying at home for convenience, it seems like she would sleep in the spare bed and not our bed.

Do you have a family member that would come with you if you needed help? You just need someone to dress them and give them breakfast? Not that hard for an older person to manage.

My hunch is that OM does not want the kids so this would be a stealth backup plan.

Are you saying that the move has stalled - that currently, it isn't happening?

If so, that's very disappointing. I cannot see a way out of your situation unless you move. None of your Plan A activities will work while you live close to OM. Until you accomplish the move, you are spinning your wheels.

Check out care.com. You can hire people to take your kids to daycare.

I agree sugar cane. I don't really know what to do. I can check out the care.com and maybe get some idea from that.

The only thing I could figure out was the Air Force. Kids can live on base and go to school and daycare. But if WW ends up coming along, there will probably be some overnight seperation in the future. But, that could only be 4 years and I could get discharged and have a new career with my new skills.
And I figure, if I do end up getting divorced eventually, the air force would be a great place to meet some nice women.

How does it sound if I finish out my plan A and go to plan B. Then maybe the affair ends in a year or so and she reaches out to me and wants to resume the marriage. And I give her the condition that we move away to resume the marriage.

I asked WW if she could get the kids tomorrow evening so I can go to a little work celebration from 4pm to 8pm. She asked a bunch of questions and was implying that I was lying about where I was actually wanting to go. I answered them all and then told her I would send her the invitation to answer all her questions. She said, "I don't want to see it. I was just asking."
It's like she forgot she is pretending to be moving out and seperating in a month, so when she remembered she had to act like she doesn't care if I go or not.

But should I not have asked to go to the party? I know if we were in recovery I wouldn't go unless she was able to go too, but she is still being hostile everyday and doing whatever she wants to do. Plus, I never do anything other than work and watch the kids and tag a long with her whenever she let's me. So it has to appear to her that I have no life.

Oh, and after all that she said I need to get the baby this evening so she can take the 5yr old to the movies. I said, "I would like to go with y'all too. Can we see about getting a babysitter?"

She hasn't responded but I know she thinks I am being clingy by wanting to go. She has told me that before while in the fog. Should I not have asked to go to the movie with them either or anything else in the future unless I am invited?bbb

We had an all out war at home last night. I heard on the VAR and the GPS that WW met up with OM at the park around lunch time. They sat in her car for 20 minutes and talked about random things. So I told WW that she was really hurting me badly and that someone gave me information that her and OM were in her car at the park. She flipped out wanting to know who is following and spying on her. I said I have sources and I will not name them.
She yelled and woke the kids up and yelled some more and told me she has been trying to be nice to me and help with kids while she gets money together to move out. I just kept repeating that I will not share my wife and that the affair has to end. She said she was going to never let me see the kids and have my phone disconnected. She also said she is no longer having an affair and her and OM are just friends and she is doing nothing wrong by talking to him everyday or eating lunch with him at the park. She said a bunch of mean things meant to hurt me, but I just told her to stop scaring the kids and let them go back to sleep.
She kept telling me to leave the house and to sleep on the spare bed, but I refused. So she left and went to her moms. An hour later she texted me saying "I am sorry for saying those hurtful things, you don't deserve that. That is why we can't be together because I become a mean person when we are together."
I was asleep though, in my own bed at my own house, and didn't get the message until this morning. So I just replied that it is the affair making her be mean to me and the kids and that if she ends the affair, we can create a great marriage.
Hopefully I responded to her correctly. I didn't argue or raise my voice. I just ignored all of the hurtful comments and said I will not share my wife. She said "I am not your wife anymore. You don't own me and can't control me."

But is that fairly common for wayward wives to claim they are just friends and not having an affair, even once they have been caught and admitted to the affair previously?

Yes, totally common. She sure is going through a lot of hell for a 'friend'....

You handled this very well. Keep up the good work.

Yeah. She claims she just doesn't want to be married to me and it has nothing to do with OM. The bad thing is that her mom and 2 friends believe that.

I'd say that it's YOU who forgot that you are trying to win your wife back to the marriage.

You should have invited her to the "little workplace celebration". If it is outside working hours it is a social event, and you should not go to workplace socials without your wife. Rather than asking her to babysit, you should have invited her, and arranged a babysitter had she accepted.