Would making their conversations "a lot less fun" stop the affair?

Would tipping her off that you are listening to her make her rack her brains? Would that be a good thing for you? Might it make her systematically work through every means of spying on someone, and eventually think of a VAR?

Sugarcane, I'm not sure. I wouldn't say that if she was not in contact with OM. But maybe she will think about it some and realize he is afraid and she is not worth a confrontation to him. I don't know though.

I see your point, Sugarcane, about tipping her off to the VAR. But I thought making the affair more difficult and less fun was half the point of plan A. Isn't the point to get her thinking that the affair isn't worth the pain and trouble, and letting her see me as strong and loving and the home life as stable and comfortable?

I'm not going to say anything, I've decided. I don't want to potentially lose the VAR as a source.

The $&#! just hit the fan. I got the kids and went home. WW was asking what spyware am I using to listen to her phone calls. I told her I didn't have anything on her phone and just that she was being watched. She told me to go with her to have my phone taken off of her and her mother's plan. I said no. Then she called her mom and put it on speaker and got her mom to say she wants my phone off of their plan. I just ignored it. Then her mom showed up at my house and said this (the plan A) has gone on too long and is ridiculous. I told her an affair is ridiculous. WW said they are just friends and she is not having an affair. They both teamed up on me saying I needed to leave the house so WW can stay here and bring kids to school in the morning. I refused and said I will just go to work late if I need to bring the kids to school. They also said me spying on her is crazy and justifiable on why we should divorce.

Her mom was talking about I need my phone off their plan because she has been paying the bill for us (I just found that out). Eventually her mom left and then WW tore in to me then. She also said this is not an affair because we are not together. I reminded her we are married and living together and sharing a bed and finances.

I told her I wasn't going to argue with her. But I did argue a little bit. I basically just kept saying I will not share my wife and I will not leave my house. One thing I regretted saying was when her mom said this has gone on too long and her nerves are bad, I said "don't you think my nerves are bad?" I also told WW I have been nothing but nice during this entire plan A time while she has yelled and put me down.

Her main complaints were that I have taken her privacy away by spying on her and stalked her, caused all our problems by exposing, and refusing to leave the house.

But I didn't raise my voice any and didnt say anything purposefully hurtful. Eventually, WW got a text message and grabbed her pillow and blanket and left. I asked where she was going. She ignored me. And I told her she was welcome to stay here. She left anyway.

Your wife considers herself to have finished with your marriage and to have left you. She sees herself as living with you temporarily while she finds a way to move out. She is quite open about this. You are not dealing with a wife who is claiming to want to recover - who is claiming to want to stay married to you, and claiming to be back in the marriage, but who cannot break her addiction to OM.

If you tell her that you can hear her calls, she will simply try to find a way to stop that. If she doesn't twig to the VAR, and instead thinks that you have spyware on her phone, she will change her phone. The fact that she cannot have graphic conversations (or whatever) with OM isn't going to make the affair end.

You are fiddling around with ways to annoy and irritate her, and not focusing on the most important issue, which is that you and she live close to OM. You will never be able to recover in that situation, if she she does come to you claiming that she wants the marriage back.

You will never be able to recover while OM lives around the corner. Do you understand that? Therefore, playing games and trying to trick her about what you can hear, and how you can hear it, is bringing a pea shooter to the gun fight of the affair - or perhaps a better analogy is that you are pondering about how to decorate the rest rooms on the Titanic while it is sinking. You've been struck by an iceberg, and that iceberg is still in your waters. This affair will not end while she lives near OM. You need to move home.

If she will not give up the affair and move with you, you need to move anyway, and wait for the affair to crumble. When it does, she might consider moving to be with you, remembering all your efforts during Plan A.

The task you need to focus on is moving.

Thanks Sugarcane.

Are you saying, and do most agree with you, that I have to move and wait to see if she will join me? Or can I keep doing the plan A for this final month and keep telling her we need to move to be able to fix the marriage, and see if she will agree to go with me?

The problem is that I can't move by myself and bring the kids with me. The kind of work I do, every job starts before daylight and I would need someone to stay with the kids a couple hours and then bring them to school. The only thing I can figure is either move away by myself and leave the kids (I guess that would be pointless) or I can move somewhere local temporarily and have my mom help with kids, and then if WW comes back eventually I could stipulate that we move away together.

Do you think any of that will work Sugarcane? And everyone else?

Never reveal how you get info. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose. Do not be a fool.

Telling her how you are finding out info will only make the affair funner (only if there was such a word) increase the fun level to new highs. For WW and OM will be able to carry on their affair again without being caught anymore.

Is your mom retired?

Could see make the move with you to help with the child care?

She is retired, but she is still married to my dad and he works full time. If not for him, she would probably be glad to go.

My plan for now, unless sometjing better comes up, is to finish Plan A. I have until October 1st. And then move in with my parents and go to plan B. And if she comes back when the affair ends, I will tell her we have to move then or split up forever.

Things aren't looking good as of tonight though. She believes I have spyware on her phone that can see and hear everything she does. I let her believe this and haven't corrected her. And a while ago she sent me a text saying "please stop reading my messages. I am begging you."
I feel kind of bad for deceiving her, but I keep telling her I will not share my wife.
So after all this spying, I think if I go in Plan B, she will remember how miserable this was and probably never want that again.

Please remind me, you had contacted Dr. Harley again, correct? Do you remember when your email was read on the radio show?

June 20. There was also one they read before that but I can't find the email to know what date it was.

I'm still waiting on Dr. Harley to reply to my last email, but the one before that he said to just keep up with Plan A and tell her everyday how much the affair is hurting me.

Last night was very stressful after she got her mom to team up on me. Then later they both left and told her uncle we were getting divorced but they left out the part about the affair. So the uncle told them he was coming to beat me up. But they eventually told him about the affair and then he gave up on me and threatened to slap WW's mother.

WW eventually returned home and slept in the spare bed after that. She was calmed down a lot but was asking what will it take for me to leave the house? She asked if she serves me with divorce papers will I quit spying on her. I didn't know what to say so I just said I wasn't arguing about anything. She also said "don't you see that we tried and I chose OM instead of you?" And I said, "but you have ended it with OM several times before.". And she said "I did that for the kids and not because I have feelings for you." I told her we coukd fix the marriage if we move away and end the affair.

She claims she has only been staying at home because she has nowhere else to go. But since she first left a few weeks ago, she has returned home and after the first few nights she had returned to the marital bed and resumed putting her paycheck in the joint account. She also did lots of other things that showed she was leaning more towards marriage instead of divorce. So I am sure during this past month she has been conflicted about wether to get divorced or not.

I wonder if I should go to plan B before she files for divorce or does it matter? She has threatened to file over 30 times these past few months, so it's likely she will put it off again this time. But I am disrupting the affair a lot more effectively now, so she may move a little quicker this time.

Here it is. Radio Clip of Dollarbob's Email

Have you followed up with Dr. Harley?

She is all talk. Sit tight plan A for as long as DR H said, then move. Most likely she will miss her kids and follow you.

How far away do your parents live?

Is your plan to move into their house with the kids, or without?

Parents only live 20 minutes away. I plan to bring the kids. But I assume after that she will file for divorce and the court will force them to go stay at home with WW. She has maintained this whole time that she wants 50/50 custody. When I talked to a lawyer back in April, he said that was a good deal. So that is probably what I will end up getting.

Also, WW hates taking care of the kids by herself. 90% of the childcare is done by me and she pretty much refuses to keep both kids by herself, because of the hassle. And she rarely spends leisure time with the kids. She would miss them eventually if I took them with me, but she would also be miserable having to take care of them without me. And she admits that the kids are more attached to me than her. One of her big reasons she claims for holding off on divorce is that the kids would be devestated not seeing me for a week at a time.

I still haven't gotten a response from Dr. H, so I updated and revised my email and sent it again. I will post his reply.

This hasn't happened yet, but I am sure it is coming. Suppose WW just starts calling and talking to OM on the phone right in front of me to make me angry. Or says she is going in the other room to call and talk to him. What am I supposed to do in that situation?

If you don't hear back from him notify the MODS so they can pass on the message to Dr. Harley.

Ok. Thanks Brainhurts.