Hello MBGF,
My fiancee of 2 years and I split up, for the 2nd time, early January of this year. I initiated the split both times due to a lack of my emotional needs being met and his unwillingness to try and meet them. This recent split was very hard on me as he was very mad and mean as I was leaving. He setup multiple online dating profiles and left them for me to find, I had to re-home my dog of 8 years, because he refused to keep her, I was homeless and sleeping on friends couches and in the attic of my business because he said if I stayed "don't expect him to be nice to me", he took the puppy that we had raised together along with the house we had bought under his name.
I've spent the last 8 months focusing on myself, my health, my emotions, my business, read tons of books around marriage and relationships and committed to spending a year alone to try and heal. Hoping that I would not make the same mistake of picking someone emotionally unavailable the next time around.
1 week ago he contacted me asking to meet and talk. I agreed and we spent 4 days together at my new home. He opened up and shared with me all he had been through emotionally, after "losing me". He finally read the books I had asked him to when we were together. He dated 4 different girls but said he didn't have sexual relations with any. I opened up to him and shared all I was doing for myself and that I hadn't been with anyone or had any sexual relations with anyone since we had split. We ended up sleeping together and spending those 4-days recapping our entire 7 year relationship and both expressed a desire to try and make it work as we both have a tremendous amount of love for each other. Not even a week later, I asked him more specific questions around the other women that he had dated and it turns out he did have sexual relations with one and dated her for 2-month. Even brought her over to "our" house and messed around in "our" bed. I fully understand that we were broken-up, I myself had sexual relations with someone when we broke up the first time 2 years ago, BUT I would have handled myself very differently if I had known he had been with another woman. In other words, I wouldn't have had sex with him. I'm struggling with the fact that he lied to me. I hate having the image of him with other women in my head after he told me he didn't. I don't know what to do. I'm posting here because I have not told my friends and family that we reconnected. They have all been a tremendous support to me while going through the breakup but also think I deserve better than my ex and I know they won't be as supportive of us reconnecting.
I'm hoping someone here can share some outside perspective with me about my situation and how to go about walking the road to reconciliation. I myself come from a broken family and a father who is completely emotionally unavailable. I watched him and my mom go through 6 breakups before they finally filed for a divorce, which lead to a 10-year court-divorce before they signed papers. My ex is not physically or verbally abusive,as my father was, but due to his (my-ex) traumatic child (sexual abuse from and uncle) he's emotionally neglectful which feels abusive to me. Is it possible for two people to overcome these obstacles? Is it possible for men to become more emotionally aware and available to their partners with enough work? Is it worth me gambling with my life and happiness because my heart wants this man? He's agreeing to to anything to reconcile but I'm afraid that if/when I go back he'll just slip back into old patterns.

Sincerely,
In Pain & feeling lost
Washington

Welcome to MB.

We have a saying that dating is an interview for marriage. Do you think your BF passed the interview?

Have you read Dr Harley's information on preparing for marriage?

Hi lovara, do you see how your situation is somewhat similar to your parents marriage in that you are hanging onto a bad situation for no reason? I would move on and start dating a lot of people until you find a more appropriate match. This man has failed the job interview in every way and is not marriage material. In the future I would not ever live with a man again unless you are married. Living together wrecks relationships because it sets up a renters mentality.

Here's a good thread. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Personally.....I would kick him to the curb. Leaving his dating profiles up for you to see was......evil. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he failed the test.
Move on if you want a happy life.