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Our vacation is over. We had a good time, relatively. I'm starting to have anxiety. I will sign up for the online coaching tomorrow. If it was up to me he would have read the book, SAA already. He has agreed to do two hours of reading the book and discussion every Sunday. It Doesn't seem fast enough for me. He is being transparent. Is it fair for me to ask him to read the book and a faster pace?
Why don't you let your MB coach drive the boat? Let her assign the lessons and that way you don't have to push him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I just got home from vacation and there was a certified letter waiting for me from the OW's attorney. The attorney says that I made false statement that the other woman was having an affair.
The letter says that I am to immediately sis and deceased these communications and that they demand that I am mediately send a written retraction of each and every correspondence that I sent and provide proof of the same. It continues to say that these actions, taken immediately by me, will mitigate, though not eliminate, The monetary damages award that they will obtain against me should this matter proceed to a court judgment. The letter says that if they do not hear from me within two weeks they will bring suit against me before the Superior Court.
Should I take this correspondence to an attorney? My bet is that this attorney happens to be a friend of hers and is trying to scare me. For the last five years, my husband has had an emotional affair with her.
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
BW, I would tell your husband and I would also visit an attorney. It is very likely it is just a "scare" letter and they will do nothing. The OW stands to lose the most if this goes any further because then her affair will really be exposed!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I just got home from vacation and there was a certified letter waiting for me from the OW's attorney. The attorney says that I made false statement that the other woman was having an affair.
The letter says that I am to immediately sis and deceased these communications and that they demand that I am mediately send a written retraction of each and every correspondence that I sent and provide proof of the same. It continues to say that these actions, taken immediately by me, will mitigate, though not eliminate, The monetary damages award that they will obtain against me should this matter proceed to a court judgment. The letter says that if they do not hear from me within two weeks they will bring suit against me before the Superior Court.
Should I take this correspondence to an attorney? My bet is that this attorney happens to be a friend of hers and is trying to scare me. For the last five years, my husband has had an emotional affair with her.
I would take it seriously. Tell your husband about the letter. Find out if he is willing to testify about the affair just in case (and that's the very minimum he could do).
Then go to attorney who could prepare a response stating that if the case goes to court, you will provide a witness who will testify that he had an affair with OW and you will claim moral damage compensation from OW.
See an attorney, but if OW wants to protect her reputation, she will move on. She does not look good on this scenario and will not want the details of her affair with your husband to become a part of the court's records.
I signed up for the accountability online program with Dr Harley today. He wants us to fill out 2 surveys individually. I turned mine in. Husband will do his soon.
I told husband that I exposed to OW's employer and coworkers. I am NOT writing a retraction of what I said on the exposure letter. Her attorney's letter was dated August 5 and sent to me certified mail. And the attorney gave me until August 19 to ride a retraction or threatened to file in the Superior Court. I thought I would just wait and see if they file and then at that time hire an attorney if they do file. I am sure my husband would testify if need be, as it is his money also that she is suing for. What do you think. Her lawyer seems to Question of The eight year affair. I think in an affair is an affair Cording to the poly graph it was only sexual for maybe eight months
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
I signed up for the accountability online program with Dr Harley today. He wants us to fill out 2 surveys individually. I turned mine in. Husband will do his soon.
I told husband that I exposed to OW's employer and coworkers. I am NOT writing a retraction of what I said on the exposure letter. Her attorney's letter was dated August 5 and sent to me certified mail. And the attorney gave me until August 19 to ride a retraction or threatened to file in the Superior Court. I thought I would just wait and see if they file and then at that time hire an attorney if they do file. I am sure my husband would testify if need be, as it is his money also that she is suing for. What do you think. Her lawyer seems to Question of The eight year affair. I think in an affair is an affair Cording to the poly graph it was only sexual for maybe eight months
An affair is an affair. So what did your husband say when you told him? Good for you signing up for the program!! It will make a world of difference.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
My husband didn't seem upset. He seemed to accept it as being a consequence of their actions. I told him what I said in the short note was the truth and I would not "retract" anything as requested by her attorney. My husband didn't think she could afford an attorney unless he took the case on contingency. Do you think I shouldn't see an attorney unless her attorney files and I'm served???
I'm looking forward to doing The online program as I feel sad every morning. I feel so terribly needy. Normally, I'm a fairly confident personally and professionally but now I feel so unloved where my husband seems to be fine.
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
I'm feeling terrible. My husband wasn't enthusiastic about doing the online accountability program. I knew he didn't want to do it and certainly wouldn't want to do it if it was $995. We can afford it, so I told him it was $295. Today, we filled out the surveys and were ready to start. We had been getting along well so I wanted to start on the radically honest foot. I told him the correct fee. He said I was a liar and didn't want to do the program. After a while, he relented and said he would do it, "but he didn't want to make a career out of this recovery".
I know if I read this happen to someone else's marriage, I would think that the husband just doesn't care about them and they should just give it up.
I feel very badly as I do want my marriage to succeed, but it doesn't always seem that he really means it when he says he wants to work on our marriage.
I sent a letter to Dr. Harley and Joyce, but can someone help me out tonight. I feel so badly and am struggling as to why I want this marriage so badly as I feel that I'm putting in most of the effort. He seems to think that I am so pushy and to let things work themselves out. Please help.
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
After a while, he relented and said he would do it, "but he didn't want to make a career out of this recovery".
Does he want to make a "career" out of being married to you? Because if not, you are wasting your time. After all, it is his rotten affair that damaged your marriage so terribly that it will take a MAJOR CAREER to get it out of the ditch. He has to be willing to go any lengths to repair the damage he did. He is damn lucky you are even willing to try.
He had better step up to the plate in a huge way if he wants to keep you as a wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Bikerwife, you know we all advocate radical honesty with your husband here.
So don't try to deceive him to get him to do the program, and don't try to trick him into doing the program. Instead, be radically honest and tell him "This is what it will take to keep me in our marriage." After that, don't put up with any debate from him about it - if he doesn't want to do that, no problem, he just can't keep you, right?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
Bikerwife, you know we all advocate radical honesty with your husband here.
So don't try to deceive him to get him to do the program, and don't try to trick him into doing the program. Instead, be radically honest and tell him "This is what it will take to keep me in our marriage." After that, don't put up with any debate from him about it - if he doesn't want to do that, no problem, he just can't keep you, right?
Like this, Bikerwife:
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
I sent a letter to Joyce and Dr. Harley. I will be on the radio show on Monday. They asked me to invite my husband to be on the show. I will be sharing the letter I wrote to the Harleys with my husband. If he doesn't agree to do the show, I'm hoping he will at least, he will write an email stating his position.
We are starting the Accountability program this weekend after I told him, as suggested, that this is what its going to take to keep me in the marriage, he agreed to do it.
Tomorrow is the day that the OW's attorney said he was going to file a claim against me for libel if he didn't hear from me. I didn't contact an attorney yet as I'm waiting to see if they are just trying to scare me.
I wish I were stronger. Every step of the way I'm scared to rock the boat, but after so many years of reading on Marriage Builders, I know that Dr. Harley's way is the right way to build passion in my marriage again. Thank you for pushing me and helping me walk in the right direction. Every day is a struggle wondering if my husband is going to be walking beside me. I know MB is the only hope I have.
BW
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
I wish I were stronger. Every step of the way I'm scared to rock the boat, but after so many years of reading on Marriage Builders, I know that Dr. Harley's way is the right way to build passion in my marriage again. Thank you for pushing me and helping me walk in the right direction. Every day is a struggle wondering if my husband is going to be walking beside me. I know MB is the only hope I have.
BW
You are doing a great job! I promise you it will get better, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Bikerwife, usually BrainHurts will post it to your thread if you ask. It takes a couple of weeks. You could also play it and record using a record app on your cell phone. Another idea is to play it and record it with a VAR. From reading your thread, the $50 to sign up for the archives is doable and pennies for the much needed education. This is the route I would go in your shoes.
Question: I am trying to live in the present and quit bringing up the affair. My husband took a lie detector test which he passed. He admitted keeping momentos, but didn't necessarily know where in the closet he hid them. In my snooping, I found jewelry boxes from the store he bought the same gift for me and her! He had already admitted this to me. They were just empty boxes. Can I just throw things away that he has hidden away and just not bring it up with him that I found them. Of course, it may me feel like crap, but I didn't bring it up to him.
BW
Me (BW) 63 FWH 59 Married 30 years FWH EA 2007 - 2011 FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011 False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016 3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
Yes, just toss them. I threw out lots of things, some of which may not have had anything to do with the affair. Remove things that will trigger you. If empty boxes trigger you, throw them out.
The longer you can go without talking about the affair, the sooner it will be that you stop thinking about it so often.
AM
BW - 70 WH - 65 M - 35 years D-day - 17 Apr 08 H broke contact 11/1/09 Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.