Getting ready to leave in the next few days. How do I say goodbye? Do I just ask her to move and if she says no again, then do I just tell her I am leaving?

Tell it's time for her to participate in the packing for all of us, the family is moving.

Ready to move out. I have some money coming in Monday so I can use it to file with the lawyer.

Last night WW was complaining about my spying. I told her I need transparency and I need her to show me the affair is ended. She said she hasn't talked to OM in 3 days but that now she will not stop talking to him and that she is filing for divorce as soon as she can. She tried to kick me out again last night

She actually said she has given me "chance after chance" to prove to her that I trust her. She says it's my fault for making her angry and that I have to trust her if the marriage will ever survive.

I am so tired of all this and at the end of my rope. And she keeps saying everyone thinks I am crazy for spying on her, and that makes me feel terrible.

Bob,

DO NOT GET DOWN ON YOURSELF PLEASE.

You know you are fighting for your M. Giving it everything you've got to try to save your M. If other people don't understand it and have labeled you something derogatory then that's on them. Some day you may be given a chance to explain to those that are important to you. They'll understand if they have half a brain. For the others .. who cares. Let them think, ignorantly, what they will.

As far as what she's saying about trust you already know what it takes to have a good marriage. What she wants is to do what she wants including keeping her poor boundaries.

You've been doing great. I'm sorry it is coming to the end of your rope. Follow through with your move.

The future isn't set so there is always hope. Meanwhile do what you can to stop the pain you're experiencing.

She has an ongoing affair, and she's giving you chances? Sorry, but that's not the way it works. As MrAlias said, no one with half a brain will think you're in the wrong. Your wife has broken the marriage vows. If the marriage ends, it's on her. All other problems can be worked out through compromise. A third party in the marriage cannot.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm ready to move now, I wish I didn't have to wait until tuesday. But I also dread how she is going to react when I leave. She will probably show up at my parents yelling and cursing and try to take the kids and all that. I just don't have the energy anymore.

But if she eventually calms down and acts like her old self, I may be able to keep trying. Just all the yelling and cursing and her thinking she does no wrong is getting to me. And she keeps saying I am manipulative and just trying to get a reaction from her so I can record her and use that in court.
She said I am no better than OM because I am vindictive and manipulative just like him. So I guess that's a little good, that she claims to see what many of OM's exposure targets told me.

I was thinking, if the plan A is supposed to leave a good impression for when I go to plan B, it seems like all WW will remember from the whole time is me spying on her. Is that not the case or should I stop spying these last few days in case I get caught?

If she wakes up, she'll know why you spied on her. If she doesn't wake up, then it won't make a difference either way. If you do go to Plan B, though, stop spying and put her completely out of your mind.

WW keeps going thru different phases like she did before the false recovwry. The past few days since she has claimed to stop talking to OM, she has had a real short temper and gets aggravated at every little thing me or anyone else does. Then she will be nice and have a long conversation with me where we laugh and joke, and then she will get quiet again and start getting aggravated real easy. It's very frustrating.

She is going through affair withdrawal.

You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the mindset and emotions of a wayward. Don't. Just stick to the plan.

I almost have everything in order to be able to move in with parents and start plan B. This is a lot more work than I imagined.

In the meantime, WW has made a huge improvement. She is calling me throughout the day and having long conversations, and being much more friendly and "normal" at home. Still no affection though. I haven't seen any contact between her and OM with my snooping in a week or two.

I haven't been mentioning the affair since I started getting ready for plan B, but is it ok if I ask her everyday if she had any contact with OM?

I have everything ready to move in with my parents. But for the past week WW has said she ended the affair and has made a big imorovement. It all started about a week or so after my exposure/re-exposure to some of OM's family and friends (a few that missed the original exposure). WW was a lot more angry with this exposure and OM deleted his social media accounts. So for some reason it had a better effect.

My plan was to move out because WW was refusing to end the affair. But now she claims to have ended it and it appears she has. Her attitude and demeanor is also much different than it has been since D-day and during the false recovery. So what am I supposed to tell her when I pack up and leave?

She still hasn't agreed to move away with me, and I haven't mentioned moving since I decided to go to plan B. So do I use that as my reason to move out? I am thinking I will tell her I am glad she ended the affair and that I want to build a great romantic marriage and move our family away. She will most likely refuse, but that will give me the reason for leaving and I can let her know that moving away is my condition for staying married together if she decides to reconcile in the future.

This is the 2 choices I see. Which one sounds best, or is there a different one:

1) Tell her tomorrow that we need to move away to keep the affair from resuming and to be able to build a romantic marriage. I move out immediately after she refuses.

2) Continue plan A a little longer and keep mentioning everyday that we need to move the family away. When the affair inevitably resumes in the next few weeks or month, leave then.

What did the attorney say about leaving the home?

Is she working? Could she get a job in the locations you are thinking about?

You said that she hasn't agreed to move with you. Is she considering it? Have you made it clear before this point that the move NEEDS to happen for you to heal and feel safe from the worst thing ever to happen?

Would she be happy or sad to have time away from the kids?

The attorney pretty much said 50/50 custody is the best I can hope for unless WW has abuse or drug use.

WW already found a job and has worked a week and a half so far. But she makes less now, so she can't afford to live alone or pay for an apartment. And she just got a new car and has a car note now. So she has 2/3 of her previous income.

She claims to have ended the affair and she isn't acting sneaky at home. But she could be contacting OM while at work. And I have zero transparency now. But I haven't been asking for transparency since preparing for plan B.

Also, I emailed Dr. Harley and updated him on everything. He said I should continue plan A, and then if she returns to OM I should file for divorce at that point. But I am starting to have anxiety pretty bad and depression now, so I don't know if I can carry on with Plan A much longer. Plus, WW needs me right now since she makes less money. And with zero transparency, she is probably in affair heaven.

So if I do take Dr. Harley's advice and continue plan A, does that mean I should start asking for transparency again everyday and tell her we need to move and all that?

For the past 3 days I have been asking WW if she had any contact with OM. I ask her once per day at bestime. She says no each time. That has been my only mentioning of the affair for the past few weeks. I also saw on her car radio, through the Bluetooth connection with her phone, she had a contact saved as OM's police car unit number.

She was being kind of mean today and wayward acting a little. So I asked her if she had any contact today. She said no. Then I asked who the contact was in her phone. She blew up and asked why was I going thru her phone again. She also said "I tried it your way. I haven't talked to him or done anything wrong and you still accuse me. I have no incentive not to talk to him now. If you don't want me to talk to him, then don't talk about him."
Then she told our 5 year old "mama is yelling at daddy again because daddy is dumb." She also said, "I have a new job now. I am stable. I don't have to be with you anymore." Basically she is saying "thanks for taking care of me while I was at rock bottom, but I don't need you anymore and I can resume the affair now."

So I don't have any proof, but I think it's safe to say they are in contact again. Or is it possible that withdrawal coukd make her act that way?

I meet with the lawyer again on monday. So that will probably be the day I go ahead and file. Do I need to confirm they are talking again or can I use her refusal to be transparent and her resuming the wayward behavior as my reason to go ahead and serve her with the divorce papers? Or do I have to wait for her to leave again and/or say she is done with the marriage?

This is her blaming you for her continued bad behavior.

Tell her that her affair broke the trust and her not willing to be transparent and take actions to verify NC the trust can not be repaired.

You lied to me to have an affair. It takes more then a WW saying I am NC with the OM. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

I tried all that before. She is at that point again now where she wants me to make her mad so she can say "see, you don't trust me and we don't get along. So I have a right to talk to OM now."

So I guess I will just plan A the rest of the weekend until I meet the lawyer again Monday afternoon, and then take it from there. Unless she does something crazy between now and then.

Question:

Up until a few weeks after d-day, WW had no problem with me seeing her naked. Now she turns around when I walk in on her naked or covers up if I walk by while she is getting dressed. Does that still continue a while after recovery starts or once she agrees to no contact and transparency does it go away completely?

This standard WW response. WW is trying to get you mad and through you off. preventing you from doing a great plan A. You have to ignore WW when she acts out in such a manner.