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I am so very sorry, bikerwife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am so sorry to read this.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
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Very sorry for your loss Bikerwife.


Me: 57 Her: 54
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I am very sorry for your loss Bikerwife, and for the tragic and destructive toll adultery has taken on your whole family. Prayers for you.

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I'm so sorry Bikerwife and my deepest condolences. hug


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Please if I may add my thoughts and prayers as well.

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Thank you all for your words of condolence.

I am not sure how to behave toward my sister-in-law that left my brother. My Brother wanted to save his marriage so much, but obviously he couldn't control her. The last text he sent before he wrote his suicide note to his wife, was to me. He said that his wife had told him that even if she broke up with her boyfriend, she wouldn't be coming back to him. Those words killed his soul and he lost all hope

How should I behave toward my sister-in-law? My brother loved her so much and after he and I discussed marriage builders, he wished he could have a chance to do a do over. I have a lot of influence over my adult nephew and my adult neice (his children). Should I respond to their mother's texts and emails as my brother might have wanted me to do or allow my animosity to surface and just ignore her and let her try to find her own peace???

My husband has been very kind and nurturing and even filled out many of the questionnaires pertaining to the marriage accountability program (as we took a break from taking care of my brothers children and dealing with the coroner. I want to believe him when he says he wants to rebuild our marriage but (in my mind only, I don't express it to him) I have such a hard time BELIEVING him. I feel if I don't change, we can't have what I desperately need.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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There is absolutely no reason to have anything to do with your sister-in-law. You shouldn't feel any obligation to.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Bikerwife
I feel if I don't change, we can't have what I desperately need.

BW


What did you need to change?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am so sorry. I lost my brother many years ago to the same loss of hope over a failed marriage.
I am your age struggling with a WS who has been unfaithful from the beginning of our marriage. I feel many of the same hurts ans I send my prayers and feel your strength.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Thank you to everyone for your condolences. My brother lived with me for the last 6 weeks of his life and the day before he ended it, he watched videos of Dr. Harley and said he wished he would have learned these concepts 30 years ago. I told him to learn now and use Marriage Builders philosophy in the future for any new relationships after he was divorced. He lost hope.


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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Melody, you asked what do I feel I need to change about myself.

I basically don't have trust. After 3 years of an affair and then an additional 5 years of a false recovery, I don't have trust. In the last 6 weeks since I discovered my husband continuing to see OW, he has said that he is "done" with her. However, it is really difficult to not have "disrespectful thoughts". He'll say how much he loves me, and in my mind, I'll think then why did you lie to me for 8 years. I just am scared that I have become so jaded by his lying that there is little trust when he says ILY.

My brother just took his life 4 days ago. He speaks really badly about what my brother's wife and in my mind, I can't believe he is criticizing her. Yes, he wasn't as cruel as she was, but he still did some pretty terrible things. I just don't understand how he doesn't feel shame. I wouldn't open my mouth.
I hope I can get to the point where I can admire him again. I used to think he was a wonderful person, but nowadays those thoughts are not so strong. I do want to save my marriage, but I'm frightened about how long it will take for my disrrespectful thoughts about him to go away.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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I had the same kinds of thoughts about my husband. We didn't experience anything like what you did with your brother, but my husband thought Sue in Dr Harley's book was a terrible person. My husband didn't seem to see the similarities between his behavior and Sue's behavior. He felt that way about movies, TV shows, people in the news, etc.

For me, my disrespectful thoughts about my husband diminished when my husband provided "just compensation" and we recovered our marriage using the MB program. For us, having a coach was such a gift. We could both talk to the coach and she could address things in a non-confrontational manner. It made it much easier for us to address complaints without disrespectful judgments.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: Bikerwife

Melody, you asked what do I feel I need to change about myself.

I basically don't have trust. After 3 years of an affair and then an additional 5 years of a false recovery, I don't have trust. In the last 6 weeks since I discovered my husband continuing to see OW, he has said that he is "done" with her. However, it is really difficult to not have "disrespectful thoughts". He'll say how much he loves me, and in my mind, I'll think then why did you lie to me for 8 years. I just am scared that I have become so jaded by his lying that there is little trust when he says ILY.


Hopefully your husband can change all this by giving you just compensation. We will SEE!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yep. He should be taking the lead in this. If he doesn't, prepare for Plan B. You cannot recover the marriage by yourself, nor by dragging him along reluctantly.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you, Brainy.

My brother's funeral was Wednesday. I've shared with my husband in need I have for him to initiate working on the marriage builders accountability program. He seems to be on board, but after five years of the faults of covering the back of my mind questions everything. Hopefully we can start with the coach soon. When I think of the OW, I still get angry. my husband absolutely hates driving in traffic. Yet, when he was seeing her he would deal with more than an hours worth of traffic and obviously not complain.

How do I give him a chance and keep my mind from dwelling and all his mistakes from the past.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Live in the presence with him. The only way to rebuild trust and make new happy memories to replace the old sad ones.

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We just finished the Marriage Builders "online weekend"--2 weeks late as we started it just 2 days before my brother took his life.

Now, that we have listened to Dr. Harley and filled out the required paperwork, we can get our coach.

I feel frustrated with the resentment that I continue to feel. I had put a GPS in his car, and my husband is a car mechanic. I walked outside the other day to find him cleaning his car inside and out and he found the GPS I had tried to hide. When we filled out the "Marital Analysis" sheet, he shared with me that he thought I was "sneaky". Just saying those words to me, instantaneously, I let my anger and frustration out by replying that what he has done for the past 8 years is sneaky and dishonest.

I really do think that my husband wants to work on our marriage, but really I feel he is not as remorseful as I NEED him to be. Dr. Harley told me I could have a great marriage even if he didn't express to me his remorsefulness. I just feel extremely triggered when he says that I am not open and honest.

Help, I know I need to control my frustrations, but why doesn't he SEE that what he did for the past 8 years is what's making me feel so distrustful.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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There is nothing "sneaky" about you ensuring you know where he is at all times. You have every right to know that. On the other hand, there is something very sneaky about lying and having an affair for 8 years. You just need to get MORE clever in your spying, bikerwife. Can you stealthily get a GPS on his phone?

Just let him know you have every right to spy on him and promise to do a better job of it in the future, so he doesn't discover your methods.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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