I have been here before recently. My wife had an affair that i discovered and busted up. She admitted to an EA but denied anything physical. Text messages and phone records confirmed this. So we spend the next 4-6 weeks working on our marriage and things are going great until this past weekend. I am in KC with some friends for the weekend and my wife is at home by herself. She goes out to the bars and comes home with a female co-worker. They slept in our bed together. I found this disturbing and my wife blew it off as normal for girls sometimes. I didnt buy this so i messaged another girl that was with them and voiced my concern, asked her to tell me if my wife has something going on with this girl she brought home. She convinced me it was nothing and that was the end of our convo. About an hour later my wife calls me and is LIVID. How dare I contact her friend and ask if she is a lesbian, how perverted is my brain that it would ever cross my mind, etc. She tells me this is the last straw and she is done for real this time. I have tried talking to her since then and her anger level is unreal. This all happened this past weekend (sunday). We had an appointment with our marriage counselor the following day in which my wife explained how far gone she is and is not interested in any more talk about our marriage because its over. Wanted only to talk about moving on and how to co-parent our daughter, etc. Marriage counselor is pro-marriage and is trying like hell to calm my wife down but she will have none of it. Marriage counselor asked us to swparate under one roof. Sleep in separate rooms, avoid discussion about anything except our daughter. So we met with our MC again today and my wife is still level 10 pissed off and adament about divorce. She has an entire audience of women backing her (mom, sister, aunts, co workers, friends, you name it) and is riding this wave of anger, using it as confidence to go through with the divorce she has been wanting for a while but hasnt had the courage. MC asked us to continue the separation under one roof (instead of either of us moving out, which we have both been advised not move out by atty's anyway). Since monday my wife has interviewed with 3 attys and has another to talk to on friday. I have a friend that is a divorce atty that I plan to retain if I am served papers.

So right now Im in a holding pattern. My wife is doing her level best to maintain her elevated hatred of everything about me, plowing ahead with attorneys and I expect her to file any day now.

I have been keeping my distance, not following her around and apologising or anything. I have told her I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have caused, I own the majorty of the problems in our marriage, and I intend to relentlessly pursue these issues and do everything in my power to become a better man and husband. I begged her to put the brakes on the divorce train for just a minute and let cooler heads prevail. She saw this as me trying to take wind out of her sails and kill her drive towards divorce and was not at all willing to listen nor has she been willing to talk about anything other than asset distribution and child related topics.

Im stuck here and I really need the help of the pro's on this board and I need help fast!!

I need advice on how to behave towards my wife to give me the best chance of keeping our marriage together. What to say, etc.

I have been here before recently. My wife had an affair that i discovered and busted up. She admitted to an EA but denied anything physical. Text messages and phone records confirmed this. So we spend the next 4-6 weeks working on our marriage and things are going great until this past weekend.

I read through your first thread and there are so many problems in your situation, that I hardly know where to begin.

I don't believe your characterization above is correct, basically that you busted up the EA, phone records confirm "this" and you were then to the "recovery" part of MB.

1) Exposure - as was pointed out in your first thread that you abandoned, this the first step. It sounds like this was skipped altogether. That won't work. Even if the affair had died a natural death, the WS will likely stay wayward and not correct their loose boundaries. Period.

Exposure was not skipped. Many things have transpired since my original thread. I exposed to several of her close friend, her mother, sister, and aunt via email all of the messages between the two of them. This is the point where her friends and family dug their heels in to support my wife. "She has valid reasons for acting this way", "she should have left you a long time ago anyway" that type stuff. They all became furious that I would go to the level of snooping and spying on my wife and see this as an outward and obvious display of my lack of love and respect. Im teling you guys, my wife has an audience of enablers and supporters that you would not believe!

2) Snooping and transparency. Your WW knows about your snooping (GPS for instance) so I don't think any of your snooping was valid. She repeaetedly said she did not trust you because of that. This was an issue that was raised towards the end of your last thread but you abandoned that thread. You also admitted yourself on your first thread that she was using iMessage and that you could not see those messages.

Teensafe picked up where Webwatcher left off. Between the two I was able to see everything, including deleted texts and messages. I have everything. I abandoned the thread because I had work to do and was clearly aggrivating the board members with my questions. Things continued to improve so I was on the right track making deposits to her love bank, and this past weekend I wrognfully accuse her of a F/F relationship and in te process took a sledgehammer to her love bank. There is nothing to that relationship and I know this without any doubt.

Did your WW ever give you transparency? Such as passwords to all of her accounts and 100% access to her phone?

Yes. I have had all of her passwords for the last month or so. Up until the point where she went to see her atty and draft papers for the D. She was advised by friends and family to kick me out of everything and that it was beyond ludacrous that I asked this of her.

3) NC. You also said she saw OM at the gym or something. Did she send OM a NC letter? Stop going to that gym?

She stopped going to the gym, sent him a message telling him to stop talking to her out of respect for our marriage.

4) EPs. Did your WW agree to implement the EPs that are prescribed in SAA (that you said you started reading in your first thread, but you abandoned it)?

No, she resisted. She maintained the position that full transparency of all her devices and accounts, plus the efforts she had made to keep him from contacting her anymore were more than sufficient and she was not willing to do any more than that. She doesnt seem to feel bad about the EA and feels I way over reacted to it. I pushed this as far as I could without driving her further away.

5) Recovery. Part of recovery that your WW should have agreed to when she "ended" the first affair and you guys 'agreed" to "work" on the marriage would have been, for example, spending 15-20 hrs a week together UA time and no nights apart etc. Clearly, this step was skipped.

We have been spending more time together, going on dates, having a great time just the two of us. I had this trip planned for a while, things were going great, and she had made plans with her girlfriends to come over to the house for tacos and wine one night. All was going well so I felt good about it.

It becomes very very difficult for folks here to help posters when they abandon their threads or do not become well versed in MB. If any of the steps 1-5 above were not completed then this is all a non-starter and you should return to the SAA form as this is still an affair/recovery issue and you would remain in Plan A until someone told you to go to Plan B (a long time for most BH).

Another problem that was raised in the first thread (that was abandoned) is the issue of the MC which is highly destructive to marriage. Again, this was never resolved, and now this has come back to bite you in the *&^.

If you move to R, this is something I would ask your WW to agree to as part of your recovery plan - DUMP the counselor.

We would have told you that in the first thread, but you abandoned it.