I think you should do the PBL. You will be surprised how liberating it is. Get a lawyer and insist on 50/50 custody. Fight for your kids. I don't know what resources are available, but I would look into getting an advocate for the children to make sure your WW is not poisoning them against you (which she obviously is).

Thanks. I figure that is the basic first thing I should do. And of course the kids come first.
The trouble is she filed under "Irreconcilable Differences" with the added note of "All attempts at healing the marriage have failed". Of course, no mention of affairs and adultery and the falsehood that she tried in any way.

The paper states she is asking for everything possible.
Primary custody, child support, spousal support, half of all my property, half of the house (in my name) , wants all her property exempt from division (even if marital property or if I paid for it), and me to pay her lawyer fees.

I am told if I try to fight any of this or introduce affairs/ adultery into it, even if I contest the reasoning or try to get the truth out that I am the one whom has done all the fighting for the marriage, it will cost 10's of thousands of dollars I do not have.
She has a low paying job, so I can only assume her mother paid the 5 thousand to retain a lawyer.

Is there nothing else I can do or say... today when I see her?
(Perhaps all I can do is what I mentioned in my last post?)

I want to do whatever I can to stop this. I know the real woman I have loved for a quarter century is in there somewhere.

PTSD with you saying the above, it seems that she is trying to get you to agree to an uncontested divorce. The MB plan has always been to not agree to a divorce. So, following the MB guidelines you would contest it and NOT go along with the terms. IF she tries to discuss it with you, make it known you will contest the divorce and her lawyer needs to speak with your lawyer about it.

It certainly sounds like she is trying to take you for absolutely everything you got. She isn't exactly being generous to you in any way. So, what do you have to lose at this point? What concessions is she offering you for your silence on the affair? Because, I see NONE in what you said. I think she is trying to scare you into not fighting the divorce by claiming it will cost too much to fight.

Stand your ground and don't just roll over and take what she is throwing your way!

I really, really want to.
But, I'm not even sure I can retain a lawyer, at a cost of 5 thousand.
Even less, added costs of contesting/ fighting.
I have a meeting with one tomorrow.

* She is not the one telling me the costs. The one time I met with an attorney, and another phone consultation I had with another, a couple days ago, are those who told me this.

* I also live in a "no fault" state and one which is notoriously bad concerning fathers rights. (IL)

Where there is a will, there is a way! Can't you take out a Home Equity Line of Credit? Tap into a retirement account? Downsize your car? Sell valuable items you don't absolutely need? Put the retainer on a credit card? Most lawyers will also work out a payment plan with you.

You mentioned that WW had to borrow for HER retainer. So, it sounds like she doesn't have much money to throw into a legal fight either. Once it dawns on her that she will be paying out of pocket to keep the fight going with money SHE doesn't have, she may rethink things. This is what happened in my situation and we ended up putting the divorce on hold. Not saying this will happen to you. But I can only speak for what happened in my situation - lawyering up and making it clear I would NOT go along with or aid a divorce in any way. I think this clears the fog of the WW expecting you to just take what you are given and fade away into oblivion and out of her life.

I will ask about these things tomorrow during my office consultation.

I am meeting WW in an hour. Not sure what I will say.

Yes, consult with a lawyer and I am sure you will feel much better about your situation. Just remain positive with the WW with your interaction.

I don't want to go off of the MB topics, but sadly almost ALL states are "no fault" states for divorce. This doesn't really benefit the woman in any way. You really want to be concentrating on whether you live in an "equitable distribution" or "Communal property" state. But I am sure your lawyer will go over this with you.

Do not agree to her terms. Do not tell her you are agreeing to those terms. Do not negotiate with her. The time for that is over. Now she has a lawyer, so you need to let your lawyer handle it.

Your response to her petition can include her affair and how she is keeping the children from you ("the kids don't want to go" is not an excuse). It will not have any weight in the decision, but it may be something you want to show your children when they are older. My mother tried to poison me against my father in much the same way. It took years of deprogramming for him to reach me and my brother and prove that she was the one that was lying.

Online resources show that Illinois does allow fault divorce. You need to see an attorney. The money spent now will be worth cost long term.

If she asks about the divorce, tell her you only want to discuss saving the marriage, the lawyers can handle the rest. You also need to document each interaction regarding the children.

Apples is right. Adultery will affect alimony in IL. You definitely need to consult your lawyer. Keep a notebook and document interaction regarding the children as Apples noted.

I discovered IL allowing a fault divorce was an old law that was eliminated at the beginning of the year. All divorces are now "no fault" no matter the circumstance. Also eliminated, at the same time, was the statutory requirement that couples be separated for two years, before filing. Now one side only has to loosely show they have been separated for 6 months.
I have also discovered adultery/ affairs will have no bearing. The (undeniable) evidence and her admissions will not even be a factor.

The two questions I am struggling with now...
After the advice given that I cease efforts to break up her new affair, I stopped sending messages, with the exception of the couple about the house and the children. I stopped checking her location. I stopped exposing to the members of OM's family. I drafted a PBL and prepared myself to go dark.

The notification of the beginning of divorce proceedings beat my beginning Plan B by a day and a half. If I were to go through with the Plan B, would that not send the message that I am accepting all this and actually help facilitate the proceedings? I am struggling with the desire to ramp it back up and "fight" to counteract the situation. Not mentioning a word about this (my WW does not yet know I have read the petition), but suggesting to WW a cool down, and asking her to sit and talk. Probably with the suggestion of focusing on the children.

* My family is suggesting that what ever communications I send be about facilitating a quick divorce, suggesting an arbitrator, and saving (us both) money (which is not what I want to do).

My other question is... Should I notify the first OM's BS about this? Other BS gave her WH a deadline, by the end of this month, to decide if he wanted to stay married. As with other circumstances in all of this, the timing seems suspicious.
Possibly suggesting to other BS she once again demand if he has been in contact with my WW.

Perhaps not mentioning this circumstance directly, but informing the other BS to keep a close eye on her WH. It is possible my WW has already told him, but I'd rather not tell the other BS exactly what is happening, in the event her WH does not know already and it possibly getting back to him, through his BS.

You can still mention these things in your response to the petition.

I would personally encourage you to stick to your plan to transition to Plan B. Don't agree to your WW's terms in the divorce. Let your lawyer handle it. Get what is fair, and get as much custody of your children as you can.

Only you can ultimately make the decision of your course of action, but I think you've fought the good fight. Go to Plan B and wait for your WW to come around. There is nothing that says you can't get remarried to her in the future if she wakes up to the mess she's made of things.

For now, take care of yourself and your children. I'm sure you've felt better since you stopped checking her location and trying to find more people to expose the affair to. From where I sit, you've done what you can, and it's time to start making plans to move on without her (that doesn't mean you can't leave the door open for a possible future reconciliation).

I would like to gather opinions with my latest question.

I have this OM's email address.
I have an ever growing desire to inform this OM that he is noting special. That he is not the only person she is having an affair with. That if he is still lowlife enough to be seeing or communicating with my WW, to inform him of this first OM's name.
That the only thing he is going to gain is the knowledge of his role in destroying a family.

Is this a course I can take, in relation to the steps I should be/ am taking?

Sounds good to me. If your WW has been telling OM2 that he is the only one she would ever cheat with telling OM2 that WW is cheating on him with OM1 would definitely piss OM2 off and drop WW.

Though OM2 may not care and is just using your WW for sex. Then again knowing that she is doing OM1 may scare him off because of the increased chance of him get a STD from OM1 through your WW.

You need to give up the stalker-ish behaviour and go to Plan B as Dr Harley advised.

Hello,

I am not sure if anyone is still interested in my struggle, but I thought I might give an update.

I never did send the message I spoke about just above.
Although I did explain earlier that I confronted the OM2 in person. From what I understand that affair ended quickly afterward. My children stopped mentioning his name, and told me shortly afterward that she no longer speaks to him and I have been learning my WW has only been driving to and from work ever since, with no missing time or side trips.

I did try communicating with her several times, a short text here and another there. Always gentle, always speaking of my desire to learn what she felt our troubles were, all the changes I have taken upon myself, and my confidence and desire that we can turn this around, slowly and with care. Mentioning we have many around us whom care about us succeeding and willing to help and that it is safe to talk with me. They have been carefully worded and I have only sent them when feeling confident and in in semi good spirits. I have avoided sending anything when feeling desperate or depressed.

I know she reads what I have sent, but I never got/ get a reply.
I have only recieved a couple/ few texts from her since I last posted and talked/ seen her for a combined total of about 10 minutes.

I had to finally file an emergency petition to see my children again. As I had mentioned, my WW took them from home while I was not there and it took 5 months and a court petition to see them again. Parenting time began the first week of November and I currently have them 2 to 3 days per week.

My 21 year old oldest daughter now currently lives with me, with her fianc� and my now 1 week old granddaughter. We live at my parents home as during the temporary agreement filed with the court, my WW refused to allow our children to spend time in the family home. I figured it best to simply move there rather than drive back and forth constantly. I do not have any desire to be there anyway as my WW wife works one mile away and (former) AP2 lives 1 mile in the other direction.
(The bank is likely taking it soon anyway as I can no longer afford to pay for it alone)
My oldest child is very indiferent to the situation. She says she "does not approve" of her mom having affairs, but doesn't really care that she did/ does. She reports little things about me to her mom that can be used against me, and makes FB posts about her mom being "great" "supermom" and "the best in the world".

My other two children still say they do not care that she had affairs (although my youngest does not really mean it).
To my children, their mom is a princess and I am the one who is a liar and a thief.
My youngest however has been slowly coming around to reality. She has begun and has now been through several therapy sessions
and is starting to once again reconnect with me.
She even very recenty told me... "she knows mom is doing very bad things." and that "she loves me very much because I never give up on her".

My middle child I believe does mean what she says and still very much believes what she was taught while away from me. That this is all my fault. She is very abusive toward me and says she doesn't care that I am her dad.
(Although has never given a reason why I might be at fault)
My middle child had one counciling session and literally told the councilor she believes I am to blame and she does not like me at all. She is 17 next month and has told me once she is 18, she is done with me.
I feel no matter how hard I try, we will be estranged... and I do not know why.

I will try to be back soon, as I do have new questions.

Thanks.

I just read the reply in Grace1000's thread about refusing mediation. This was actually one of my questions.

About 2 weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail with 2 dates on it to attend mediation with WW in a courthouse room.
(My lawyer did not inform me this letter was arriving)

The first date is in 2 days.
Yesterday I was told the purpose is to try and work out a permanent and/ or updated agreement for child parenting, decision making regarding children and other logistics.

I was hoping it would give myself and my WW an opportunity to talk, but I have never been through anything like this, so I have no idea what to expect. Is it advisable to not attend mediation, under any circumstance?