You go tell him you will never be open and honest about your spying techniques. That would leave you entirely unprotected and that will never happen again. PER DR. HARLEY, radical honesty does not apply to abuse or infidelity so you are NEVER obliged to be honest about your spying. N.E.V.E.R.

If he wants to ever be trusted again he should be HAPPY to know you are spying on him because that is how he can establish trust again.

Yes tell WH that for trust to be repaired that it has to be verified that there is NC.

If he's not happy with that, he can leave.

I installed webwatcher on both phone and laptop. When I check them, I feel disconnected from him, my heart starts beating fast and I'm scared. He seems enthusiastic to do Marriage Builders accountability program. I told him I have a need for him to initiate setting aside MB time, and every morning when we talk about planning our day, he is the one that says: "let's schedule the time".

What do I do if monitoring makes me feel disconnected from him and it makes me not want to engage with him?

BW

Keep monitoring him because it will make you SAFE.

You are nervous that monitoring him will show that he is still being a WH.

Better to catch him being bad for you will never be able to take the correct decisions with your marriage and life.

Though the best part of verifying is that when it shows WH is not doing anything bad and is maintaining NC is how trust gets repaired.

What are you scared about?

Sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, with a history like the one that your H has (long time SSL) you need to keep vigilant with the monitoring for a long time. If you keep up with it and don't find anything, then it should eventually become almost boring.

I think you are experiencing anxiety because your WH is still gas lighting you. Turning it around and making it seem like YOU are the one who is sneaky is gas lighting.

Have you made it clear that 100% honesty and transparency (meaning you can investigate EVERY aspect of his life) will be required FOR LIFE?

I get the feeling that your WH is waiting for you to back off and let him go back to doing what he wants to do.

Hi Melody and Susie,

I don't have a gut feeling my husband is lying. We will be starting with our coach soon. I'm just scared about gaslighting as I was duped for the past 5 years. I know it takes time to gain trust. It's just that the voice in my head says "yeah, right" every time he tells me he loves me, I think about his SSL. I don't want to be disrespectful. I don't see it to him. I haven't found anything to indicate otherwise. I have webwatcher on phone and computer.

I sometimes want to bring up a conversation with him about feeling anxious but I don't really know what I can ask him to do.

BW

BW, of course you are scared of gaslighting. I remember the voice in my head also, and you are spot on that we have to be very careful not to be disrespectful.

Is your husband being open and honest with you, BW? ANYTHING that intentionally portrays a false impression or doesn't tell the "whole story" is not being open and honest. For instance, each spouse needs to go out of their way to share the entire story with each other...if a husband wants to say, go and visit his mother...and the wife agrees that it would be nice to visit, and arrive there only to find out that what the husband REALLY wanted to do was go and do a home repair for his mother...that is not being open and honest.

When my husband made misrepresentations like that to me, it massively TRIGGERED my pain and insecurity. He had to learn to STOP THAT because it was a huge lovebuster and it drained my lovebank balance from all that he had worked to build.

So...is your husband being entirely open and honest with you now?

As you both learn the program, you will learn how to keep each other safe. As time goes on, you will be able to respectfully ask for what you need (and you'll have a better idea of what you would like), and then the two of you will negotiate for results in a way that makes lovebank deposits on both sides.

I forget, have you by now been in touch with your coach by now?

My husband and I hotel this weekend. One of my colleagues/friends is getting married tomorrow. My husband was enthusiastic about coming on this trip. I am in Study club that meets twice a year with our spouses and we've all got to be good friends. As I am in the lobby of the hotel, typing this on my phone, my husband is speaking to the MB accountability coach for the first time. Then I will speak to her on Monday for my first time.

He seems to be happy about getting our marriage on the recovery track. When I spoke with Dr. Harley on the radio show, he said that it sounded as if my husband's affair was about to die a natural death. Do you think he still thinks of the OW fondly? That thought really bothers me. We haven't been talking disrespectfully to each other. We are in A fun City so that makes having good time easier.

I just hate the phone at living with anxiety for the next few months until I verify that he I believe what he is saying.

BW

It matters not what your husband may or may not think of the OW at this point. It's useless to even wonder because you're looking FORWARD now, right? ON to building a great marriage together!

The anxiety WILL get better. Each time that you verify you will start to feel a bit more peace. It takes time and sometimes mentally it can feel like two steps forward and one step back, but you will feel better soon.

Happy to hear that you two are making contact with your coach, yay! Enjoy your weekend.

Stop writing stuff like this. When you find yourself in these negative loops, try and think of something else. Don't write it down and dont' talk about it.

How do I stop thinking of things like this?� I'm obsessed. When we go shopping and he buys me something nice, I think: "Did we go shopping for something special for her?". I don't tell him that this is what I'm thinking, but I do think it. How do I stop?

BW

As Mel said "When you find yourself in these negative loops, try and think of something else. Don't write it down and don't talk about it."

You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you sure as heck can keep them from building a nest in your hair. The thoughts may come to mind. Brush them aside and move on. Don't write about them, don't dwell on them, don't talk about them.

Try and think of something pleasant. Have a favorite fall back scene that makes you happy and train your mind to switch over. And most importantly, STOP WRITING IT DOWN!

We are working on Lesson 1 with our coach, Sandy. Yesterday, started out being a great day with him hugging me in the morning and saying I was the "total package". We worked on our lesson and he seems to enjoy it.

Is it possible for us to spend too much time together? We are retired (or at least Im on disability now and not sure if I'll return to work). We have a large house and my very sharp 91 year old mom lives with us. My husband doesn't seem to resent that. Anyway, throughout the day we are together a lot.

Last night we both decided to spend more time finishing this week's lesson. He read about the assigned chapter and we just had a 15 minute lesson to listen on the CD. He says he got comfortable and closed his eyes as we were listening. This triggered me as it reminded me of the time 5 years ago when we started studying Dr. H's material, but he didn't really want to.

I told him his body language of laying down made me feel he was bored. He coutered by saying I was disrespectful. I then made a comment that throughout the day he tries to control how I do things: "making a floral arrangement with his mom, and how he likes having things taken care of around the house".

Bottom line: all of the deposits we made during the day were all lost in one fell swoop. This morning he got me some coffee said good morning, but left the bedroom to do chores without any more conversation.

I don't even know how to get us back on track. He said something that hurt me quite a bit. Dr. Harley said on my radio show that Wayward spouses were sometimes not remorseful. Last night before we stopped talking, he said to me he wasn't sorry for hurting me so much these past 8 years. Seems like he was referring to my Love Busters that contributed to our poor marriage.

Anyway, where do I go from here. He's working away grouting a bathroom. I have lots of chores to do myself. Do I just leave him alone time and give him time to think. Last night, after he told me he wasn't remorseful I was going to sleep in another room as I was so hurt with his comment. Bottom line, I came to our bed and we ultimately just felt asleep.

BW

What to do? Eh is my best answer.

Though I seem to remember that Dr H has said of WW's: many never showed remorse yet were able to recover their marriage.

Though your WH saying that you share in the responsibility for him having an affair is wrong. This mind set shows why he was able to have two affairs.

BW, I continue to see that you are very withdrawn from the marriage, yet you are prepared to do all the required MB work to try and recover. Your husband is not withdrawn from the marriage and claims to be in love with you, and yet he can't be pushed or dragged to roll up his sleeves and do the work.

It's a paradox, but the outcome, if this continues, will be that you divorce.

And by the way: when Dr Harley says that WWs usually do not show remorse (in a marriage that eventually recovers, like Sue's in the book), he does not mean that they are spiteful and critical, like your husband is being. He means that they do not say that they are sorry - at least at first, although they may later say that they are sorry for hurting their husband, if not sorry for the affair itself. He means that they sometimes openly say that they had the affair because their husbands neglected them. He does not say that they continue to treat their husbands like trash after they come home.

And anyway, what Dr H says about WWs is irrelevant in your case, with a WH. He knows what he expects of WHs who have the desire to rebuild their marriages after an affair - and it isn't this.

Don't fret about your husband. If he keeps this up, you will be better off without him.

Thank you, Road. My husband has had one affair from 2008 to 2011 when I discovered it and then a false recovery with the same woman from 2011 til 2016.

I do want to save my marriage for the most part. However, when we are both disrespectful to each other, he is capable of saying that mean things. He said this afternoon that he was angry with me last night, when I felt he was not being enthusiastic about doing our lessons with the MB Accountability online program. He says this made him feel disrespected as he had been trying and I wasn't giving him credit.

I just picked up my brother's ashes. He killed himself after 29 years of marriage when he couldn't take the pain anymore of his wife walking out on him. I know I am an emotional mess. I want more from him. I want him to be so sorry for what he has done. It has been 2 months since Dday #2. We called the OW together on that day but she is a coward and would not pick up the phone. I sent my husband an email from Melody's exposure thread. Should I just let it go or insist on him sending a handwritten NC letter?

I want to feel cherished, but don't appreciate anything when I have to beg for it.


BW