My husband and I met at equestrian events and for the first 5 years of our marriage that was where we spent most of our recreational time. He has not decided he no longer enjoys these events. He has recently had an emotional affair and I read the Surviving an Affair book. I agreed with EVERYTHING except the one paragraph about Recreational Enjoyment. I would feel empty without the equine activity in my life and don't feel it fair I should be forced to give us something that brings me great job and once gave us both great joy. Is there a way to do this so that I can have the husband I dearly love and the activity that brings me such job? If so how do I go about this compromise?

While recovering from an affair, you should stick with recreational activities that you both enjoy. This is because you need to use every opportunity to build up your love bank balances, and one of the best ways to do this is through joint recreational activities.

That said, once a couple has recovered, the basic rule is at least 15 hour a week of undivided attention time together. What you do outside that time is up to you. So, you can fit equestrian activities in there, provided that your spouse is in enthusiastic agreement that you can do that. The thing is, you will likely find in recovery that you are so in love with your spouse that you would rather spend the time together, and the equestrian events will not seem so important to you, anymore.

Brm, this is where you really have to use some creativity and find activities that you both love. Finding things that you love to do together is how romantic love is created and preserved in your marriage. Having separate leisure lives is how compatibility is created in marriage. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you and damage your marriage.

Put aside any preformed ideas you have and look for options that you BOTH love; options that will enhance your marriage.

" The thing is, you will likely find in recovery that you are so in love with your spouse that you would rather spend the time together, and the equestrian events will not seem so important to you, anymore."

This is very true. There are certain hobbies I enjoy, but they come second to my time I spend with my husband. If there is anything you enjoy more than being with your husband, it is a problem.

Who did your H have an affair with?

Was the affair exposed?

Have all conditions that allowed for him to have the affair been closed?

The others have offered sound MB advice. I would like to address the potential walking away from the horses that you may be facing.

As a single person I spent about 30-40 hours a week riding and training. It was a big part of me. At the time, I felt like it defined me to a great extent. I loved it and nothing came close to it. If you are competing much at all then it can consume a great deal of your time and attention (and money) and here's where it complicates your recovery.

When I got married after years of this, my priorities changed suddenly. Month after month, my best mare stood idle in the pasture. It became apparent after a year or two that I wasn't going to have time for it at the level I was at. For me, it came down to a choice between scaling way back and riding a few hours a week versus giving it up entirely. You might be able to afford a trainer to keep your seat warm and cut back on hours. For me, it meant the difference between riding a finely tuned horse that literally felt like an extension of myself, or being content with an occasional trail ride. I chose to let it go.

It was hard. Sold everything. Let the mare go. Put away my Stetson and never looked back. Couldn't look back.

If I had it to do over again, I would do it again. As fulfilling as the horses were, they don't compare to my relationship with my wife and kids. I just couldn't do it all. And at the time, being content with something less than full throttle didn't appeal to me.

Fast forward 14 years. We have considered getting back into it. Especially because I have a lot of knowledge I'd love to pass on, and it is great for teaching responsibility to kids. But it won't be the same. I'm finally at the point where I could do it on a much more reasonable scale AND be content.

I learned a lot about myself during those horsing around years. My advice is to take what you've learned, pocket the fun memories and let it go. A great marriage would be so worth it. And when things are on the right track with him, maybe it would be an option for you both to return to it in some capacity.

I don't regret walking away. The hole it left did heal. I'm glad I did.

Why did he walk away from it?