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Joined: May 2008
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Is your husband refusing to write a no contact letter? If so, that is a HUGE red flag.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I do want to save my marriage for the most part. However, when we are both disrespectful to each other, he is capable of saying that mean things. He said this afternoon that he was angry with me last night, when I felt he was not being enthusiastic about doing our lessons with the MB Accountability online program. He says this made him feel disrespected as he had been trying and I wasn't giving him credit. It is very important to not let him fight with you about this and not to fight with him about it. Simply let him know that this is what it will take to keep you in the marriage, and then - FOLLOW THROUGH. If he wants to whine that he doesn't want to do it or tell you why, end the discussion, walk off, go do something else, ask him if he wants a cookie, anything other than to sit and discuss his reluctance to do what needs to be done and blame the whole thing on you. He decides if he's going to do it or not, he keeps the why to himself, and if he doesn't decide to do it, you've already decided he doesn't get to stay married to you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I want to feel cherished, but don't appreciate anything when I have to beg for it. That's why it's important that you not beg. Don't beg, don't plead. Let him decide, and then you quietly separate from him if he doesn't do it. Don't let him talk you into a worry and a frenzy where you feel the need to plead with him about it. Don't try to persuade him.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: May 2008
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Bikerwife,
The beautiful thing about having a coach is that whenever you want to convey feelings like those above, you don't have to say anything to your husband. You can mention it to your coach. Having a coach is a great assest, especially at the beginning of the program.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
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Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Is your husband refusing to write a no contact letter? If so, that is a HUGE red flag.
AM I agree. Has your WH written a NC letter? Have you told your coach about what you've told us about your feelings?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 142
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 142 |
My husband is writing the letter now as I am typing this. We just finished the first week's assignment. I copied the NC letter from SAA and gave it to him. I asked him how he felt about writing it and he said he's happy to do it especially if it makes me feel better.
He seems to be doing the right things. Last night we went country dancing and had a good time. I try to redirect my thoughts when I think of thoughts that block me from getting close with him.
Thank you for any and all advice. I wish I knew for certain that my husband is as committed to making a wonderful marriage as I am.
BW
Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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