Dear all,

I know that this is a forum for marriages and not one for dating but I fell in love with Dr. Harley's concepts when I found them and realized that so many of them applied to my last relationship. Since he has also Q&As on finding the right one to marry, I was hoping that you could also guide me a little.

I am a 23-year old European and came to the US as a visiting international student. On of my first days, I met another international student - I�ll call him Hamed - and we were very attracted to each other. I allowed myself to become attached to him very fast and we started an exclusive, close relationship within a couple weeks. We knew that I would have to leave after 9 months and we would have to decide whether we wanted to have a long-distance relationship for at least 4 years to come.

Our time together was far more rocky than I expected from a young relationship. I can summarize the problems by saying that we have compatibility problems in the areas social life/friends, energy levels and cultural background. My there most important emotional needs - affection, conversation and recreational companionship - weren�t satisfied once I started to spend more and more nights at his place (I know now that it is recommended to not live with each other). He spends most of his time watching TV and browsing the internet while I felt like we had to make the most of our time together and talk, go out and do activities together, travel and be affectionate with each other. He is also often quite critical with everything and the few times that we went on trips together, we mostly ended up fighting over minor things instead of enjoying each other�s company. I also often felt like he acted thoughtless and didn�t make me a priority - things like not wanting to make adjustments in his everyday life for me or the relationship. I grew a little resentful because I felt we wasted our time together and because I felt �locked in� when I prioritized spending time with him over doing something I would normally like to do. By May (month 8) I felt more at home at his place than mine but I felt we approached life very differently and it made me uncomfortable and dissatisfied how much I had adapted to his lifestyle.

There is also another problem. Hamed finds it really hard to talk about himself and express his feelings. He usually avoids emotional conversations or says �I don�t know what to say�. When avoidance doesn�t work, he can get angry and very cold and even cruel. When in May I started voicing my concerns about the relationship, a series of hurtful fights escalated about this. This not only prevented us from working on the relationship and solving our problems but also gave me the feeling that he ignored my feelings and didn�t care about my happiness. I was wondering whether I could entrust him with taking care of me in good and bad over a lifetime. My father often doesn�t care about my mother�s happiness and it is very sad to watch.
Weeks later he told me that he just doesn�t know how to react in these situations and that he didn�t realize how unhappy I was and thought that we could go back to being happy again when we just stopped fighting.

I had a friendship with a male co-worker then, John, whom Hamed despised. I know this was a mistake now - when I was hurting the most over my relationship with Hamed, I developed feelings for John. He seemed to fit me perfectly in any way that Hamed couldn�t. We had intellectually interesting and emotionally satisfying conversations, we realized that we had many hobbies in common and would both love to explore activities together. From what he told me and showed me in how he treated me and other people, he seemed to be very considerate of his friends. I could always rely on him to be there for me when I needed someone and he was dedicated to spending time with me, making me laugh and having a good time with me. He seemed to be everything I looked for in a husband. When I realized where this was going, I felt immensely guilty. We had something like an emotional affair (never physical) for some weeks and I considered leaving Hamed for John but I finally realized that I was never as romantically attracted to him as to Hamed and that the guilt had destroyed what was left of the attraction. But I had also lost my trust that Hamed could be a good lifelong partner for me and although I still had very strong feelings of being in love for him, the doubts never left our relationship again.

Now I am back in Europe. I can only talk to Hamed with Skype. He knows that I had feelings for John but he forgave me and we talked a lot about our relationship. I still broke up with him because so many problems within the first year of a relationship don�t make it seem like something that is meant to last. I�m worried that he�s promising more than he is willing to do deep down and that we would both have to change a lot to make it work. On top of that, we will live on different continents for years to come and won�t really be able to work on incompatibility issues or �test� our �improved relationship� in real life until one of us has to move to the other one. We both would have wasted many years if we realized that we were back to old patterns then. I�m also afraid of his coldness and being let down again in a difficult situation. And I�m afraid of being stuck in a relationship where I would always think that someone could be out there who fits me better than Hamed does - like John seemingly did.

On the other hand, I miss Hamed very much. We are still in contact and I can�t really let go of him and still have strong feelings for him. He thinks we can make it work with this program here (I told him about it). He claims he didn�t know that I was unhappy until shortly before I broke up and he thinks that I didn�t really give him a chance to prove himself. He really had become more affectionate and our conversations more fulfilling before I broke up and he assured me that we would take 15 hours per week and do some of the activities that I proposed (he claims that he would also find them enjoyable and doesn�t have other suggestions). On other occasions he is quite distanced again and seems ok with just talking irregularly and casually. He says he doesn�t want to pressure me into anything but I can�t stop thinking that maybe he doesn�t care as much as I do. I could visit him in September and rekindle the relationship and part of me is longing to do that and have him back. The other part is afraid of reviving the feelings. Logic seems to say that our chances are slim at best and that I should move on and look for someone more like John.

From the Q&As I would guess that Dr. Harley would recommend to move on and date some more. It seems like he would not recommend to bind yourself to someone with whom troubles have already started before marriage and with whom an integrated lifestyle is impossible due living on different continents. On the other hand, he stresses the need of �being crazy for each other�, feeling very much in love; something I�ve always had with Hamed.

I have read his books �Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders�, �His needs, her needs� and everything I found on his website. I am familiar with his basics concepts and POJA. I know that Hamed and I certainly violated most of his concepts when I was still in the US but I wasn't very experienced in relationship, didn't know about his concepts then and did what felt right in the moment.

Now that I came across marriage builders, I am unsure whether I should try to use it to save our relationship or accept that things went wrong and move on.

Can you give me an advice?

Thank you very much and best regards,

llizzy

Four years is a very long time for a long-distance relationship. You had fun with Hamed and now you are back in your home country. I agree with your interpretation of Dr. Harley's advice. Move on. Find someone in your home country who is compatible with you, based on Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.

You are young and have plenty of time to find the right person. Next time, avoid engaging in unmarried sex. I realize that it's very common to have casual sex, but it clouds the relationship. Most of the time, women are hurt by the casual sex. Treat yourself with respect.

Yes I agree move on date more. Have you read about Dr.Harley recommending to date 30 people?

This might help.

Diamond asks in her email, "How do you know the right person to marry?"

Radio Clip

Thank you very much for your advice. I guess my mind knows that it's right to move on and I just have to try to move on and wait until my heart is on board as well.

I wasn't brought up to avoid unmarried sex at all costs but I have experienced what you are saying, LongWayFromHome. I will definitely consider it in my next relationship. He treated me with a lot of respect regarding sex, so I wasn't hurt per se but I definitely became attached to him and dependent on him too quickly.

I have heard about the 30 people, yes. I see the value in it, I'm just pretty shy and I have only had very few dates before I went to the US. I find the thought of dating 30 (new) people pretty terrifying. And I'm looking for something stable and exclusive, which is why Hamed and me agreed very early on to become exclusive and aim for something longterm. I find the thought of dating someone casually for 6 months before becoming exclusive very hard. But as I said, I see the value in not committing and becoming attached too fast. And in dating many people to have comparison. So I will try to change my strategy.

The Radio Clip doesn't play for me, BrainHurts. Could it be because I use Safari and have a Mac? I'll work on getting it to play, thank you for the clip.

Maybe to clarify: I have to do two more theoretical years of my studies in Germany and could visit him in my breaks for some weeks each year. In my third year I could visit him in my breaks and about 8 weeks during my studies (it could be included). In the fourth year I could do some research in the US but the more sensible thing to do for myself would be to start my residency in Germany (I wouldn't know how to fund the research for example).
He has a single-entry visa and cannot leave the US for the rest of his PhD-studies unless he wants to take the risk to apply for another visa. So he wouldn't be able to visit me.

I'd be willing to give it another chance if we could live close to each other and actually try to implement some of the concepts here. But I'm really concerned that we would live in fantasy land for years and try to reassure us that we're fine with each other only to realize we're even more incompatible afterwards.

I have a Mac with Safari. When I click on the above link, I get a page containing a player window, and I can click on the play button and the clip starts playing. How is it not working for you? Do you have JavaScript disabled?

The player window shows up but when I hit play, nothing happens. I could get it to play on my iPhone though. Thank you for the help!

Some of the rules you are worried about "30" people. Some don't make it to that many. They also end up committing faster than 6 months but the important thing is to keep an open heart to break up at anytime if you need too.

If you haven't dated much, this is why- You need to casually go on dates and make sure you get comfortable around guys to talk to them so you can figure out if you do really like them and they meet your emotional needs.

To many of us just put our hearts out their and then when it is obvious they fail the test for marriage (such as Hamed) we don't want to let go. LET GO!!!!
It is the entire point of dating!!!!

He failed the test for marriage. All the things you describe. Do not settle for these crumbs. There are guys who are amazing who don't have to always be proving to do better..... they just are better.

Its why we are suppose to not sleep with them, keep an open mind and just see if they meet our emotional needs amazing and also are willing to follow the policy of enthusiastic agreement. ALL of that Before we commit etc.

I am happy to see you have been studying Dr Harley's concepts and have come here for advice. Many of us wish we were so fortunate to have stumbled on this info in our early years, even before we chose a mate!

There are many men who are willing to make you a priority and meet your needs. If you familiarize yourself with the concepts of EN's and UA time and avoiding LB's, and all of the things that a good relationship requires, you can weed out those people who are willing to do these things vs not. It is clear as you described Hamed that he is uninterested in prioritizing you, not to mention that you have less compatible lifestyles. Many of us have had to work hard in our marriages to learn how to do these things, and change our lifestyles to be compatible. Oh how much easier it would be to find a mate who already fit the bill! You are young and single and have the opportunity to do just that, why hang on to someone who doesn't?

Move on.

Also, you don't need to date someone 'for 6 months' with exclusivity, 30 people could be 30 one time dates. The main goal is just to experience multiple people's personalities so you have a good feel for what is out there and what is most compatible to you.

Thank you again. I think Hamed has moved on anyway. At least he always has reasons why he can't text me for too long. I don't know if I could expect him to fight for me more when I broke up with him - maybe it hurts too much, maybe he really wants to respect my decision - but it doesn't help to establish my trust in him that this time would be different. I don't want to fly there and live with him and have to realize that nothing has changed and the heartbreak will only come back worse again. So thank you very much for your advice.

I'm really glad that I found Marriage Builders, unwritten. It has helped me put perspective on what happened and it has given me vocabulary and arguments to define what I want and need. Next step will be to implement it in a relationship.

One question: does friendly contact to men count? Do the dates have to be real dates where both people know it's mean to test each other for a relationship and are more careful about how they behave? Or does talking to men in your choir, student group etc also count? I certainly don't have a problem with talking to them, I just don't seem to have any dates where someone has shown a romantic interest in me.

In which book does Dr Harley recommend dating 30 people?

It's in his article here Choosing the Right One to Marry