Before I start my topic, let me first say to the regulars of this board...I am what you call a "betrayer" to make things worse, I am the OM also. Please read my profile to see a little of my story. I would like to start by saying that even though I am the one to blame here, I am human and I have real feelings as well. Today the OW asked that we end our relationship. This came about after I had recommended that she read this web sites topics on infidelity. I am very much in love with her still. I love my W as much as I ever have (very deeply), but I feel as though I am dying inside. I have been very honest with my W about my feelings throughout all of this, and she has been more caring and loving than I can ever imagine someone being after they've been told about an affair. When I came home today from work, she knew just by looking at me what had happened. I have been talking to her about my feelings for OW very openly and she knew what my feelings are. I hate to say that I have been stubborn enough to make her begin plan B. I will be going on the road to work and she has asked that I move out when I return. I am feeling worse than I ever have in my entire life. My OW has been very open with her H over the past two days, telling him everything about us. This was after talking to my W and I both at the same time on the phone. I knew where this all would lead, and I can't really say that it is what I wanted, but God...I hope it is right. Is it possible to be entirely in love with two people at the same time? If so, then how do I know where I should be? With whomever came first? Why? I am so lost and hurt right now that I cant really think all that straight and I feel like I am rambling too much. Please, if you are a betrayer with hope or a betrayed with insight or an OW/OM with something else...help me understand a bit of what is going through my head and heart. PLEASE<P>------------------<BR>"Can a heart that is divided, still beat?"<BR>

2S - not crazy about your name, but welcome. You've come to the right place. This is not an easy place to be in but you will find wonderful and caring people here.<P>It most certainly is possible to fall in love with more than one person. If you have read Harley's principles, you will understand why and how. First suggestion, read, read, read, everything you can get.<P>The fact of the matter is, we are all capable of this. But when you take the vows of marriage, you promise that you will hold these feelings for one, and that one is your spouse. Sometimes humans make mistakes. We allow ourselves to get in the position that we CAN fall in love with someone else. There may be a million reasons we let it happen, but, the fact of the matter is, we shouldn't. We have sworn an oath not to. There are ways to protect you, your spouse and your marriage from this in the future. Read everything on this website. So, I guess the point of that long paragraph was, Yes, you are committed to your wife. She should be your only love.<P>Ahhh, but we're a little late, now. It happens. What you're feeling is withdrawal and we have many people here who are going through or have been through this. You can get through it, too. You can rebuild your life with the wonderful woman you married and have her become your one true love again. It is hard. It hurts for a while. The hardest and most worthwhile thing you have ever tried to do. But you CAN do it.<P>The rules are simple. No contact with the OW. Read the rules of rebuilding from this website. Work on your marriage, work on loving your wife (you'll need a little time to past through the worst of the w/drawal first), protect your spouse and your marriage, dedicate yourself to continuing complete honesty with your wife.<P>Seriously consider counselling. For both of you, if possible. If she's been that wonderful, I know she'll work with you. If things are hard, don't turn against anti-depressants to help you through. This is gonna take all you've got.<P>I always talk too much and I'm not as wise as some here. But you're in the right place. We'll help get you through the rough times, and celebrate with you in the good times.<P>You're doing a good thing. <P>Lori

Hmmmm, 2 Soulmates, looks like you have goosed the moose my friend.<P>Lets just sit back and look at this situation shall we ? You say you love your wife, and yet you love tow too. <P>While I applaude your honesty with your wife,<BR>you need to try to think of how knowing these things has made her feel.<BR>Think a second, if this whole thing were reversed how would you have taken it ?<P>Your wife is an emotional wrek at this point. Oh she may not cry every time she looks at you, but knowing the man (or woman) you love has cheated on you, and says they love another is h3ll.<P>Have you suggested this site to your wife ?<BR>If not why? If you have been lurking here you know that execpt in ase's of sever abuse we never say "leave the bum !" This is marriagebuilders, not marriagebusters.<P>I can't understand why you would want tow to read here.<P>I think that you need to do a lot of soul searching, and talk to your wife. You can't have both women, you need to do the right thing. There is no way that this situation will resolve it's self without anyone getting hurt, people have already been hurt.<P>Oh, btw, not trying to be rude, but the phrase soulmate makes many of us gag. I can't tell you how many of us have heard spouses say ,"She's/he's my soulmate" about t.o.p. The main question is, who has stuck by you these 11 years ? I am sure everyday hasn't been all sunshine and lolliepops, but believe me if you and tow leave your spouses to be together soon enough everyday life will set in. Plus you will have the guilt over the way the relationship started tolive with. <P>My h left me years ago for a wildebeast, he stayed with her for 1 1/2 years. Then we got back together, why would he ome bak after all that time ? He said the guilt he felt from walking out on me and our son ate him up inside. Did that keep him from heating again ? Nope, but it did keep him home while he did it. <P>Don't expect instant forgiveness from your wife, or trust. In these case's it tends to be once bitten years shy.<P>I am sorry if I have sounded rude, I don't mean to, but it's time for you to wake up and try to save your marriage. <P>And remember, not all wives CAN get past this. Sometimes you just can't deal with it. you two need counseling. And read , read, read. Start with Surving an Affair, and go from there.<P>Hopefully you and tow will both be able to rebuild your marriages.<P>ok I'm done rambeling for now <BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

First let me say thank you for the responses. To Deb: My wife and I are both registered, she actually recommended this site to me first. I think I told OW about this site because I know what is right for her and what is right for me. I knew that it would lead to her attempting reconciliation. I am not saying that it is what I wanted, but what I feel is right. I am committed to my W, and I want for things to be good between us again. Otherwise I would certainly not be at a site on building up marriages. I realize that soulmates is very cliche' but it is what I feel. Thank you again Deb for your response. Now to Lotsva:<BR>AGAIN WITH THE NAME!!! I am only joking. I was encouraged by your response, that things will get better. I am comforted by the fact that there are people willing to share their experiences for the benefit of others. I only wish that I didn't need those experiences to help my situation. But I alas, am not perfect, only human. As for total and complete absence of contact with OW...we work in a job that requires daily direct contact( by phone; as we live 1100 miles away from each other). She is in charge of getting me the information that I need to do my daily assignments. We have both discussed this with our spouses and they seem to concur that we can't avoid all contact. But it is understood (by OW and myself) that this must be kept to work subjects only. Conversations will be short and to the point. I realize that this is extremely dangerous for us right now, but it seemed to work today, although I felt like complete sh%@. Once again, Lotsva...thank you very much and I look forward to your response to any other postings that I make.

Hi 2 soulmates,<P>I am a betrayer like yourself. I met my OW at work as well. I will not say to you that your feelings for the OW are a fantasy or that "soulmate" is a silly term. I know full well what you are going through. I also know that your road ahead will not be easy. Withdrawal is one of the worst things to go through. And it will be so so much harder because you have to work with the OW. I urge you to try to find another job as soon as you can. That is what I did. It was the only way I could deal with it and stay sane.<P>Now that you and the OW are ended for sure, and you are committed to your wife, you have to start expending your energy towards regaining your loving feelings for her. You can get back those feelings. Read the sections on this webpage about emotional needs. Both of you should fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaires. It's a great place to start.<P>The major thing you'll have to deal with will be your withdrawal from the OW. Right now you don't know how you can live without her. The future without her in it seems bleak and hopeless. I know that feeling all too well. But that will pass eventually. It takes alot of TIME. Have patience in yourself. Look to your wife as a source of strength. She seems like a very caring and loving person, and you are blessed to have her as your wife.<P>good luck!<BR>--andy

I just saw your wife's post this morning...<P>Please... Please... Please...<BR>Love Nicole.<P>I don't know if I can truly comprehend your pain... I know I can feel her pain (I too am a betrayed.)<P>Let her take your pain away... If she stays at this forum... gets the advice she needs... she will comfort your wounds... she will bind the hurt up with love, affection, and more than you could ever believe.<P>If you could stay here too... You can get advice from so many (betrayers and betrayed as well.)<P>We are rooting for both of you.<BR>Building our marriages is a dream we all desparately are hoping for...<P>YOU have a chance...<BR>It will be a hard uphill struggle...<BR>Every now and then... stop and look around... I think once you take in the big picture every few steps of the journey... you'll be proud of how far you've come.<P>God... I am praying or you... <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<BR>

This one was / is hard for me to respond to in any kind of constructive way. My first feelings were to blast you from head to toe. (I'm the betrayed)<P>But I tell you this, I wish my W were in your shoes right now. She's still there and at least your are at a point where you can start to work on what is right and live alive again.<P>Alive in a marriage that can be loving and caring. I do not deny your feelings for OW. I do not deny my W's feelings for OM. But I'll teel you what hurts more than anything for me is to hear her say it. This is what kills me. I'm glad you can be open with your W, but at the same time consider her. She maybe holding the marriage together now, but it will take you both to resurrect it.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

2s,<BR>You are very lucky that you can be honest with your wife. Even more lucky that she has tried to be loving and wants to work to save your marriage. When I confessed to my H, he was very abusive and divorced me in May, ostensibly because he couldn't get over this and started feeling guilty about the way he was treating me. <P>The reason I tell you this is because I would have given ANYTHING to have my spouse treat me with the same respect your wife seems to be treating you. All you can see right now is what *you* are losing with the OW. You need to concentrate on all you are GAINING with your wife. So many people don't get a second chance. DON'T BLOW IT!! There are other jobs out there. Your marriage comes first. Think about it. Someday on your deathbed would you rather say "I had a wonderful life-long relationship with my wife", or "I had this job, betrayed my wife. i had a chance to regain my wife's trust and tossed it *again*." Although I am not minimizing whatever feelings you have for the OW, it can never work. Put it in the past. End all contact and focus on your marriage.

Dear Mr. Lucky,<BR>Drop the other name. <BR>I think you need to start being positive. <BR>I don't know how in the world your wife is handleing all this open talk and feelings you are giving her about the OW. Your wife is not a counselor, she is your wife. I'm not trying to sound rude, but you need to give her some compassion right now. She is on shaky ground too.<BR> I remember 20 months ago, even though I was so relieved that my H and I were going to do everything to put our marriage back together, there were times that I didn't know if I could keep going. I questioned in my mind if I wanted him to stay. We just have a hard time feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling loved, after finding out that our H thought they wanted and needed someone else. Bottom line..<BR>Just like you LET yourself get involved with the OW, you can LET yourself get back to your wife totally. The choice is yours, you can continue to think, pine, and remember the OW or you can put all your energy into your wife and move on. <BR>Every time your Wife brings it up, you will remember, Every time you bring the OW up, you will remember. That's how we study for an exam.... keep putting it into our heads!!!<BR>You have so much to give to each other, you have a future together now. You have to create new memories, you have to get busy with each other, doing things for and with each other. This is a new test to study for. It can be easier than you think, You just have to think! The years you've had together out weigh what you have just gone through. The time you put into this recovery, no matter how tough, will all be worth it. You will get a deeper and stronger marriage out of it. <BR>You are both so lucky now, My H affair lasted three years, and we are doing GREAT now, really happy. With time we will forget the bad times, I will still have some hurt, and he will have the guilt, but we are replacing the bad memories with good ones. Everyday we are in compitition to see who can show each other who cares the most. I Love It !!!!!<P>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME <BR>

I too am a betrayer and it's been over a month since my last contact with the OM. (God, I feel like I'm in an AA meeeting or something )<P>Anyway, one of the most important things to remember is that even though you may feel like you love the OW the decision has been made to stay with your wife and work on the marriage. It will be difficult to end all contact with the OW (especially due to your working conditions)...but, please try to be strong and keep you feelings about the OW to yourself. It will be hard not to break down and pour your heart out to the OW...but, remember the bottom line is the bottom line. Don't drag the situation out any more than it has to. This will make it easier for everyone to heal and move forward.<P>Withdrawal is anotherr story altogether...but, it looks like you already got some advice on that issue.