Hope I am posting this in the right place. I feel like I am stuck at a cross road in my life and am not sure what to do. Me and my wife have had a rocky relationship since we first met over 9 years ago. we have separated many many times. Usually the cause of the separation is because she is un-happy. It starts with fight out of no where and then leads to her calling or texting other guys then once she feels like they will be there when she leaves we break up and she gets with them. She doesn't usually sleep with anyone when we are together, but she does leave have a relationship and then we get back together. She probably has done this 4 times over nine years. The last time she left she moved to Oklahoma to be with a high school boy friend and lied the whole time. Even when she was there she said she just needed space. It lasted about three months and then she said she wanted to come home. When she got home I said I needed time to figure myself out. I told her we can still me in a relationship but I needed to move home and take some time. I was angry and new it wouldn't be healthy to stay. about a month after being separated she said she couldn't do it any more and broke it off. She moved another guy in and we stayed separated for another 6 months. I called her one day and said I just can't stand not being with her and if she was willing to work on a healthy relationship I wanted to get back together. She said ok and broke it off with the guy she was with. The last four years have been a lot better. We haven't Separated. We still have relationship problem's but I thought at least they were not bad. About a year ago I notice she was acting weird and lashing out a little bit. She wouldn't talk to me or let me in on what was wrong. I tried and I tried, nothing. So I let it go. Then last week she started acting weird again. Saying that she doesn't want to do this any more. Kinda came out of the blue for me. So I tried talking to her and she just wouldn't tell me what's up. She started just focusing on cleaning the house down. Cleared out are garage, like heavy duty cleaning. Also started boxing up clothes and the kids clothes. I knew something was up. Then two night's ago she says she is leaving. I asked her way and she said she is tired of being a bad person and doesn't keep wanting to hurt me. I didn't understand. Any who after much talking She finally told me. She was wanting to leave me a year ago, when I noticed something was up. She started a relationship with another guy. They we sending dirty pictures and hanging out together. But she changed her mind and broke it off with him. About three weeks ago the guys girlfriend found the text message's and pictures and started messaging my wife. Saying that she was going to tell me what had happened and the she was a horrible person etc, etc. She found me on facebook and started telling her she was going to contact me by name. So my wife did what she does has started shutting down and wanting to leave.

Sorry for the very long confusing rant. Just wanted to say where things have been and are now. My issue is she says she still wants to be with me and I do still want to be with her. I just feel like the trust level is gone again and that this is like starting again from ground zero. I don't know if I am being stupid and this just is never gonna stop or change or if it really can. I am not even 100 sure that what she is saying is what happened. We have Summer kids some are hers some are mine. But I have raised hers since they we one and two. She has been in my kids life's as well. I just don't want to spend forever giving second third and fourth chances and then get divorced. Do you think there is still hope?

The only hope is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and stops cheating. That means she commits to all the steps on this checklist and follows this program. Otherwise, you are looking at your future. Will she open up her life so that it is so transparent that she can't possibly cheat again? Will she end all opposite sex friendships?

How did your relationship start? Have either of you been married before?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

We were both married and divorced once before. She has not been actively seeing the guy at least for the last year as far as I know. Do you really think it is necessary to have her close all her social media outlets? I have never monitored them so I am not sure who she is talking to....

If you want to safe guard your marriage from another affair then you will follow the checklist.

Social media was one of the ways that she carried on her affairs. She needs to shut down every opportunity that she used to have her affair.

Only IF you want her to stop having affairs. That is how affairs start. Have you spoken directly to the OM's GF to find out what she knows? It is pretty obvious your wife is having an affair with someone.


She is having another affair. You should spy on her and find out who. That might be the best place to start.

Did your relationship start as an affair?

No it our relationship did not start as an affair. We were both single.

Have you snooped to find out who her current affair partner is?