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Affairs are addictions. My husband hated himself for his affair, his lies and betrayal. Yet, he was unable to end it. He fought tooth and nail to keep the OW in his life. Before I knew about the affair, I was very worried about his health. Even after it ended, he was depressed for a long period of time.
He is very happy now.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I have express the same things you have just said and it doesnt matter to him.


The reason for this is because of the addictive nature of affairs. Like alcohol for instance, when a person becomes addicted, their thinking is in a perpetual 'fog' and they do not think clearly or rationally. As an addict, all they care about is keeping the high. When you try to speak to your WH about ending the A because it is destructive and painful, it is the equivalent of trying to reason an alcoholic to stop drinking. It just isn't going to work.

Likewise, when he talks he is speaking from 'the fog' and is not rational. Listen to him in the same manner you would a falling down drunk.

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He is addicted for sure. If he cant talk to her or see her he is in a foul mood. I can tell immediately. It would take a lot of courage for me to call the husband. I know he cant quit because they have tried many times at least 4 I know of. What does one say to the husband?

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
Perhaps the only thing to do is expose it and let the fallout occur.


YES.

As per the Exposure 101 thread, make a list of exposure targets and expose all at once. Do not trickle expose and do not let your WH know you will be exposing.

This affair has been going on a long time, so you need to deal it a giant blow to have a chance here. You cannot afford to do a trickle exposure or tip them off or do any other thing that would weaken your exposure.

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I am pretty darn sure no one is going to thank me for exposing this affair especially my husband. He is very very protective of her and they are extremely worried her husband will find out and go to extreme measures that he does not. I have one son who is 23 and he knows what is going on and right now does not think much of his father, but their relationship is not that great. My sister and husband know as do other members of my family. I beleive the other womens sister knows too. Frankly i am not sure her family would care if she has a 5th husband because they expect it.

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I am pretty darn sure no one is going to thank me for exposing this affair especially my husband. He is very very protective of her and they are extremely worried her husband will find out and go to extreme measures that he does not. I have one son who is 23 and he knows what is going on and right now does not think much of his father, but their relationship is not that great. My sister and husband know as do other members of my family. I beleive the other womens sister knows too. Frankly i am not sure her family would care if she has a 5th husband because they expect it.


As I said before, this affair is very entrenched and this is your one shot it. Include ALL of these people in your exposure. Even if you have told your family members about this in the past, keep them on the list. Let them know that your WH is continuing to carry on an affair with OW and you would appreciate their support and them using their influence to get him to end the affair.

Targeting everyone in her life, her H, family, clergy, church, etc. is going to make the biggest hit on this affair. You need to do this in one fell swoop.

My biggest concern is that you talk like you want to protect her. I cannot for the life of me understand that. Why would you want to protect a woman who is stealing your husband??? She is devastating your life and his, destroying your marriage. She is also destroying her husband and he doesn't even know why! That is wrong and cruel. You are protecting her and helping her with all of this destruction, with your enabling. You said you are the strongest woman, but enabling this lying destructive lifestyle is not strong at all. frown

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I know he cant quit because they have tried many times at least 4 I know of.
My husband tried to quit for twelve YEARS, and he couldn't do it either...UNTIL this group gave me the courage to do a mass Hammer-of-God exposure.

He quit that very day.


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Of course he is protective of her...they are having an affair!

As others have said, your marriage can survive his anger, but it will never survive an active affair.

Since she is so worried that her husband will find out, he definitely needs to be your first exposure target (but have all of your targets ready to go so that you can expose all at once).

You tell her husband what you have told us, what you have seen and heard. You can offer to send him screen shots of the text messages and any other proof that you have.


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Well, a very gutsy, but hugely effective move, would be to go to the next church service and stand up and tell EVERYONE what you know. Then ask for the entire congregations' support in ending the affair. That would stop this particular affair dead in its tracts.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I phoned the OWH a few hours after I found out about the affair. When I spoke with OWH, he was not the least bit surprised that his wife was having an affair with my H. He already knew that something was wrong, but hadn't done any snooping to see what his wife was doing. I predict this is the case with your husband's affair. The OW husband knows something is wrong already. But, he doesn't have the information to protect his marriage from your husband's interloping.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Unwritten, maybe I havent explained this too well, this is all my husbands doing, he contacted her and listened to her story and convinced her he loves her and that they belong together, she is a very flawed person and is very very needy and believes he is her knight in shining armour. Even thou I should not have sympathy for her I do in a way, because I think she is a victim here too. She doesnt want to steal my husband, he wants her. I agree she is hurting her husband but I think she is afraid and embarassed by what she is doing and will be looking at another divorce. I dont want to be on her side believe me but this is not your usual affair, they are strongly pulled to each other by this first love they experienced together that was interrupted.

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armymama, I dont think her husband would be suprised because he has been talking of moving out. If her husband feels starved of emotional love like I do he has to know something is not right.

Last edited by wifeinstrife; 09/28/16 04:14 PM.
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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
maybe I havent explained this too well


There is nothing more that you need to explain. In addition to Dr Harley's teachings, we understand full well what is happening because we see the same story play out over and over again on this forum.

We understand it very clearly.

The problem is that you think your situation is somehow different or unique or that these details make the advice different.

That's NOT the case. You MUST expose this if you want to save your marriage, period.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
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Listen, I've been in your spot. Not only for myself but I held my sister's hand step by step as she exposed her WH's affair.

It's hard, you're not going to want to do it, and you'll come up with all kinds of reasons why you don't need to (it won't work in my case, this is not physical, etc etc etc). We've heard it all before.

You need to set aside your emotional response ( and listen to what we, objective 3rd parties, are telling you you need to do.

Almost every person who comes here resists exposure. You need to push through that and do what is necessary to end this affair or there will be NO marriage to save.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
armymama, I dont think he would be suprised because he has been talking of moving out. If he feels starved of emotional love like I do he has to know something is not right.


You need to wake up here and ACT. Once he moves out, it's going to be very very hard to save this.

Honestly, we don't care about him feeling starved of emotional love or any other fogbabbly he's been spewing. That's normal for a wayward. Please don't waste your time or ours feeling like you need to post about his fogbabble.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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I did not think the affair was particularly unique but the first love, lost love part might be something to be considered. The bond between these two is very strong. My husband has told me the first time he saw her 16 months ago it was all over. I dont think they ever resolved their earlier breakup and are trying to relive or revive it or whatever. They were kept apart by parents strong disapproval and never forgot each other. After their breakup she married right away to someone else. I have woke up, I will probably expose it but I have a very bad feeling about that. I kept hoping they would finish this up and realize it wasnt meant to be.

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I am pretty darn sure no one is going to thank me for exposing this affair especially my husband. He is very very protective of her and they are extremely worried her husband will find out and go to extreme measures that he does not. I have one son who is 23 and he knows what is going on and right now does not think much of his father, but their relationship is not that great. My sister and husband know as do other members of my family. I beleive the other womens sister knows too. Frankly i am not sure her family would care if she has a 5th husband because they expect it.


You should expose to every person you mentioned here including the OW's family and friends via facebook and her pastor. Did you read the exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I have woke up, I will probably expose it but I have a very bad feeling about that. I kept hoping they would finish this up and realize it wasnt meant to be.


Lets say the affair did end, he will always have a wayward mind and is very likely to have another affair because it was never exposed. I will also add that you make yourself a very unattractive alternative by hanging around waiting for crumbs. That is not the kind of thing most men go for. Staying in touch with this abusive, sick situation also greatly impairs your mental health and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses. Many women have nervous breakdowns, making themselves even less attractive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I did not think the affair was particularly unique but the first love, lost love part might be something to be considered. The bond between these two is very strong. My husband has told me the first time he saw her 16 months ago it was all over. I dont think they ever resolved their earlier breakup and are trying to relive or revive it or whatever. They were kept apart by parents strong disapproval and never forgot each other. After their breakup she married right away to someone else. I have woke up, I will probably expose it but I have a very bad feeling about that. I kept hoping they would finish this up and realize it wasnt meant to be.
I have struck out all of the fogbabbly stuff as Suzie was describing for you. All of us know that none of that should be considered. I have left only the pertinent info from your post.

ALL of us had a very bad feeling about exposing. It is HARD. We know that. We will be here and help you through any fallout (for many of us the fallout was less than we had imagined). But we can't help you to even get to square ONE at healing your marriage until you expose and kill off the affair.

You came here asking if we could help. We are trying to help. Do you indeed want help, or are you telling us that you feel so sorry for them that you actually want to hand over your husband to the OW?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
but I have a very bad feeling about that.


What exposure requires is setting aside your feelings and doing what logical, objective 3rd parties (Dr Harley and forum members who have seen his advice work over and over and over again) are telling you is your best chance.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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