It's times like this that makes it hard and makes me want to leave. She was great all day yesterday and texting me a lot today and joking and laughing, but now she is on her way home from work and acting like she doesn't want to talk and is almost to the point of being aggravated. It makes me think she talked to OM somehow today.

Can I ask her later tonight if she had any contact or should I tell her how I feel and say I want transparency or shoukd I just leave it alone for now?

Leave it alone and focus on lovebank deposits. Otherwise you get emotional.

Please relisten to your radio call with Dr. Harley. Do you have access to this?

Please reread the last page or so of this thread. And then let us know that you did.

Of course you are paranoid. She ALREADY KNOWS that you want transparency. You can't bully her into it by harping on her. Keep drawing her close through conversation and affection. Date her!! Look for new methods of snooping behind the scenes. She is coming home to you so even though you might assume the worst ever, treat her the best ever.

What are you doing to snoop?

I'm not doing any snooping. I have no passwords and she found the VAR last month when I did the new exposure to OM's contacts. I could probably put the VAR back by now, but she assumes it's still in there and probably won't talk out loud.

But she has been calling me on her way to work, when she goes to lunch and on her way home. The rest of the time we are always together. So if she is talking to OM, it would have to be while at work.

She supposedly hasn't had any communication with OM in about 5 or 6 weeks. She has made it this far before, but it's usually around this time that she gives in. But she would usually fight with me or start getting aggravated right before or right after making contact. Also, she has been at her new job a few weeks now. At her old job, she had a coworker that was also friends with OM, so she was often communicating or getting info thru her.

It's stressful though, because everytime her mood changes or she acts differently, I wonder if something happened. And she won't respond to me when I kiss her goodnight on her forehead and say "I love you."

This morning I wrote her a nice, positive letter saying that I am working to be a better husband everyday and learn from my mistakes in the past and that i want to make a great marriage. Can I do that too much? If I write a short letter like that everyday, is that too much? Or should I spread them out every week or so?

Have you started dating her again?

I didn't see an answer to my questions. Can you please respond?

I put the questions I needed answered in red.

Thanks for answering the snooping question.

Do you mean the radio clip where they answered my email question? I never called in to the show before. And I haven't been able to find old episodes or use the archives. I assume you have to pay for that.

And I don't understand the question about "let us know what you did"? I'll read the last couple pages right now though and see if it makes sense then.

Ok I read the past couple pages of this thread. I do remember Dr. H. Answering one of my questions on the air a while back where he told me to hold off on transparency and all that for a little while and see where it goes from there. That was when I was wanting to go to plan B a while back.

So I guess I will try that again, since his last advice was to continue plan A a little longer and then go to plan B if she leaves for OM again. I don't know how long I can last though. I don't want to go to plan B, but I dread going thru her wayward act again if she resumes open and full on contact.

Dollarbob-

When you emailed Dr. Harley the last time, did he answer that question on the radio show? Or did he respond by email to you?

Responded by email. I haven't had an answer on the radio show in a couple months.

How do I "date" her? I've been buying flowers occassionally and bringing home candy almost everyday. We do something with the kids every weekend, but it's hard to find a babysitter to go on dates alone. Plus, she seems like she isn't interested in doing things alone without the kids.

Not sure what else to do.

This was your last email to Dr. Harley that was read on the show and then Dr. Harley emailed you privately, correct?

What was Dr. Harley's latest advice to you?

Have you written Dr. Harley recently to give him an update?

I can't get that clip to play, Brainhurts, probably because I have terrible service at work. I'll have ro check it when I get home.

I emailed Dr. Harley about 2 weeks ago to tell him I reached my 6 months of Plan A and was ready to go to plan B, except WW claimed to have ended contact around that time. So he told me to go ahead and continue plan A a little longer, and if she returns to OM I should go to plan B at that time.

I believe this clip is not his most recent email question which was read on the show. But I haven't had time to check the archives.

I'm thinking that they discussed his most recent email around the last Monday in September.

I'm about to go crazy. WW supposedly stopped contact around August 26. She had been calling me multiple times per day since then. She had slowly started calling less and less, but has still been very nice and hasn't been losing her temper like she was during the times that she was definitely in contact with OM.

Monday night she had trouble sleeping for the first time in a long while. Tuesday she called in the morning on her way to work like always, and that was the last time I heard from her until we got home last night. Then today she didn't even call in the morning.

So in my mind, she was beginning withdrawal and coukdnt sleep monday night. So yesterday she contacted OM and that's why she didn't talk to me during the day.

I put the VAR and GPS back in her car this morning, so maybe she will slip up and say or do something that I can catch.

But it's so stressful because we had a good day Sunday and Monday, and I had some hope. But yesterday and today I am back to hopeless.

I don't think Dr. H has answered an email from me on the radio in several months, unless they did and didnt tell me about it. As far as I know, they answered 2 and that clip posted above was the 2nd.

The last question they answered on the radio for me was when Dr. H was talking about the checklist and talking about asking the wayward everyday if they had any contact.

I had 2 private emails since then where he told me to go to plan B and make my demands for reconciling when/if she returns, and last he told me was to continue plan A since she said she ended contact.

Why are you waiting for her to initiate those calls? In your shoes I would be calling her too.

Stick with the plan.

Your ADs don't seem to be working.

If I initiate the calls too much, will she think I'm aggravating her or being desperate or paranoid?

Do waywards move from withdrawal to conflict and back and forth? I thought I read that they do but I can't find it now.

And when we talk about withdrawal, conflict and intimacy, that is different than the withdrawal they experience when ending the affair isn't it? I assume when the affair is over for real, she will be sad and depressed and not eating and all that.

I'm not sure about the AD's though. I've been on AD's for useveral years before D-day. I recently switched medicine after D-day and it seemed to be working fine until recently. The doctor increased the dosage at my request, and it seems to be helping some. I feel like I have the appropriate level of stress and unhappiness right now. But should I be feeling great. It does come and go though. Yesterday I felt great most of the day and today I am fairly average.

You are probably doing great in meeting needs of domestic support and family commitment. So you are a being a great father, meeting DS and FC needs.

But you need to focus on the boyfriend box. She noticed the flowers- affection meant clearly for her and not the kids. You don't need to get sappy and go overboard but you do need to be asking her out and complimenting her. Do All the admiring and affectionate things that got her to marry you in the first place. Plan A and execute an intentional, calulated, calm, smooth pursuit. She may balk and complain. But if you end up in Plan B, she will not forget your efforts.

Can you surprise her by making arrangements to send the kids to your brother's, then tell her that you have a kid free night planned because you need a break. Invite to go out anywhere she wants. You just needs some fun! You could even stay home and play games, or watch a movie. Or you could cook together. Think about how she might like to spend the evening and offer that. Keep brainstorming until you find something she'd like. Dinner, yogurt, walking, bike ride, pizza and movie, target shooting, tennis, shopping etc.

If she agrees, don't talk about anything negative, sad or heavy. Act rock solid. No moping.

If she refuses, just say something like, dang, maybe tomorrow? I think I'm going to take advantage of a night off to recharge.