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Hello all,
After I asked OMS's wife to give OM�s parents phone, his wife called me. She said: They love eachother. OM is very remorseful and they are working on their marriage. She inspected WW's facebook page and she saw that WW is an alcohol user, going out with her girl friends, wear revealing clothes and look like she likes independency (and it is totally true. WW, I and our families are all liberal). In contrast, her husband and she is very conservative. He even do not let her wear a halter dress. And OM and WW don�t fit at all. And after all OM thinks that WW used him to encourage herself for divorce.
Now I see that WW had never been really into the affair (as she said before). She has never shown remorse, never asked forgiveness from me. Two years ago, WW�s best friend divorced at her 40, after struggling with her marriage for many years. She is our ex neighbour. And she always says it is very good to be free at last. And they have friend group of 4 woman all divorced except for my wife. They go out once or twice a week. Many times I have told my wife we need too spend more time together and I don�t like her to meet them frequently. We agreed to spend Friday nights together and Saturday nights with her friends. She is very stubborn so I sometimes feel resentful when I can�t negotiate with her. A couple of times I argued with her about her going out with her friends when I feel resentful. And a few months later this affair happened. She is at the end of 39 and since the last year she sometimes used to say she is wondering how will our marriage be after her 40. I think the idea of being independent seemed better than our marriage to her. Even before the affair she wasn�t into a codependent life.
I truely believe that there is nothing left in her mind about OM. And all the exposures and my spying on her on her made her feel trapped and pissed off. She felt trapped not because she is planning a future with OM but because she wants her freedom. And with each exposure I pushed her away from me. Our main problem is not her affair but her after 40 thoughts. If the affair had died a natural death or if I had not expose to everyone we coud have a chance to work our marriage out. Before the affair I was reading MB web site and I had recognized my ignorance and neglect. And the timing of this affair ruined everything. She couldn�t heard me and respond to my efforts.
I told her about my thoughts but she says it is too late and she wants to be away from me and from any other man for a long time. And even if she forgets bad feelings about me and even she starts dating me again she will never be married to me or any other man again. She says every one will suffer the consquences of their faults and this is how she can live in peace. I am deeply sorry. I love my wife, I am sure that if she could hear and believe me we would have a satisfying marriage. Now, it looks like there is no hope for us.
One side of me wants to file her and divorce in order to get out of these false expectations and pain, the other side of me wants to be nice, help her getting an apartment with our son and give her some space for a possible marital reconciliation. Both decisions comprise a lot of suffering for a long time. I am indecisive.
Do you have any suggestions?
I am sure of one thing. I should find a job ASAP.
Edit: Perhaps it is [censored] but I would prefer that she is getting an apartment in order to go on her affair. Eventually their affair would die and I could win her back. But it is not the case. Total manure. Why? You are making every reason to justify your WW affair. Making every excuse to not fight for your marriage and not expose the affair. Eight pages of from the best people on MB coaching you and you do not follow their example. These people are experts for they have been through the fire of an affair and survived with their marriage saved. What do you do, what have you done? You have let the OM do you WW.
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OM's wife said since OM hasn't got a job they spend every hour to gether searching for a job and working out their marriage. OM is remorseful and he is also pissed off my wife for using him.
Also OM called WW that he will want to go on his marriage and WW said after all she respect their marriage and she won't see him again as long as he is married.
OM's wife and WW told me the same story. May be fake, but I believe it's true.
What do you think WW is thinking or planning? Do see any hope? How will it be? How it can be?
Do you suggest going for plan A?
I believe affair is over. I have webwatcher. No eveidence.
If it is over would you be suggesting Plan A or Plan B?
I want to consult to an attorney next week.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hello all,
After I asked OMS's wife to give OM�s parents phone, his wife called me. She said: They love eachother. OM is very remorseful and they are working on their marriage. She inspected WW's facebook page and she saw that WW is an alcohol user, going out with her girl friends, wear revealing clothes and look like she likes independency (and it is totally true. WW, I and our families are all liberal). In contrast, her husband and she is very conservative. He even do not let her wear a halter dress. And OM and WW don�t fit at all. And after all OM thinks that WW used him to encourage herself for divorce.
Now I see that WW had never been really into the affair (as she said before). She has never shown remorse, never asked forgiveness from me. Two years ago, WW�s best friend divorced at her 40, after struggling with her marriage for many years. She is our ex neighbour. And she always says it is very good to be free at last. And they have friend group of 4 woman all divorced except for my wife. They go out once or twice a week. Many times I have told my wife we need too spend more time together and I don�t like her to meet them frequently. We agreed to spend Friday nights together and Saturday nights with her friends. She is very stubborn so I sometimes feel resentful when I can�t negotiate with her. A couple of times I argued with her about her going out with her friends when I feel resentful. And a few months later this affair happened. She is at the end of 39 and since the last year she sometimes used to say she is wondering how will our marriage be after her 40. I think the idea of being independent seemed better than our marriage to her. Even before the affair she wasn�t into a codependent life.
I truely believe that there is nothing left in her mind about OM. And all the exposures and my spying on her on her made her feel trapped and pissed off. She felt trapped not because she is planning a future with OM but because she wants her freedom. And with each exposure I pushed her away from me. Our main problem is not her affair but her after 40 thoughts. If the affair had died a natural death or if I had not expose to everyone we coud have a chance to work our marriage out. Before the affair I was reading MB web site and I had recognized my ignorance and neglect. And the timing of this affair ruined everything. She couldn�t heard me and respond to my efforts.
I told her about my thoughts but she says it is too late and she wants to be away from me and from any other man for a long time. And even if she forgets bad feelings about me and even she starts dating me again she will never be married to me or any other man again. She says every one will suffer the consquences of their faults and this is how she can live in peace. I am deeply sorry. I love my wife, I am sure that if she could hear and believe me we would have a satisfying marriage. Now, it looks like there is no hope for us.
One side of me wants to file her and divorce in order to get out of these false expectations and pain, the other side of me wants to be nice, help her getting an apartment with our son and give her some space for a possible marital reconciliation. Both decisions comprise a lot of suffering for a long time. I am indecisive.
Do you have any suggestions?
I am sure of one thing. I should find a job ASAP.
Edit: Perhaps it is [censored] but I would prefer that she is getting an apartment in order to go on her affair. Eventually their affair would die and I could win her back. But it is not the case. It's clear to me you don't understand the dynamics of an affair but you think you do. My suggestion would be to get the book Surviving an Affair and maybe that will help. I am a volunteer on this board and don't personally have the time to weed through such fogged out posts. I feel like I have done all I can here. Best of luck to you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I truely believe that there is nothing left in her mind about OM. And all the exposures and my spying on her on her made her feel trapped and pissed off. She felt trapped not because she is planning a future with OM but because she wants her freedom. And with each exposure I pushed her away from me. Our main problem is not her affair but her after 40 thoughts. If the affair had died a natural death or if I had not expose to everyone we coud have a chance to work our marriage out. Before the affair I was reading MB web site and I had recognized my ignorance and neglect. And the timing of this affair ruined everything. She couldn�t heard me and respond to my efforts. I will make a short comment about this, though. I want to point out how irrational it is to say exposure "pushed" her away when you were actually SEPARATED so she could pursue her affair in peace. We told you to go home. It doesn't get any more "pushed away" than that. Our main problem is not her affair but her after 40 thoughts Oh no, your main problem is your wife's AFFAIR, not her age. Your suggestion that this is a "mid life crisis" is what Dr. Harley calls a form of DENIAL. "Mid life crisis" is a pretty typical and classic denial mechanism employed by betrayed spouses. It is no different here. Anger over exposure is a sign of the FOG. Of course it angers wayward spouses. That is an expected reaction. But they don't STAY angry unless the affair is still active and they are still fogged out. Anger is a sign of being fogged out. There is NOTHING that will "push away" a wayward spouse who is determined to save her marriage. The only people who get angry about snooping are people who have something to hide.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have read the book. Book addresses the beginning and progress of WW's affair exactly. But my wife never showed remorse or asked for forgiveness.
In either case -affair is over or not- do you suggest plan A? How long can it take her to return? I am suffering for four months.
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I have read the book. Book addresses the beginning and progress of WW's affair exactly. But my wife never showed remorse or asked for forgiveness. Which NEVER happens. If you read the book, you know this. In either case -affair is over or not- do you suggest plan A? How long can it take her to return? I am suffering for four months. Did she leave? Plan A should last about 6 months.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, she has left 3 days ago.
I love her and I want her back. But if I wait six months I will loose the legal right to sue her for the affair.
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Six months from now? I consider myself being in plan A since June. I'm I wrong?
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Yes, she has left 3 days ago.
I love her and I want her back. But if I wait six months I will loose the legal right to sue her for the affair. What are you talking about? You asked about PLAN A. It typically lasts 6 months. I never commented on suing her for the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Six months from now? I consider myself being in plan A since June. I'm I wrong? Plan A means EXPOSURE and pledging to her that you will meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair. WHEN did you expose?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have started exposure on 20th of September and finished on 27 with Ww's mother and OM's wife.
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Yes, she has left 3 days ago.
I love her and I want her back. But if I wait six months I will loose the legal right to sue her for the affair. What are you talking about? You asked about PLAN A. It typically lasts 6 months. I never commented on suing her for the affair. As far as I know... According to our laws if we agree to divorce every asset that we made during marriage divides into two. But if there is an affair with proof she may get nothing. In order to go to court for their affair I have to do it in six months after learning about the affair. I have learnt it on 18th of June. So I have to go to court before 18th of December. I really want her back. And I will go for plan a. But what are the chances? Does it worth taking the risk of losing my house? I have no evidence that their affair is going on and After she left the house with the kid I lost my hope.
Last edited by Armagan; 09/29/16 01:23 PM.
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WW said she has formatted her phone.
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WW said she has formatted her phone. What does this mean?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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WW said she has formatted her phone. What does this mean? she converted the phone to factory settings. Everything is deleted.
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in fact ... she said she would. and I couldn't access to her phone for 6 hours, so I thought she did. But now I can access. Probably her battery had finished.
Still no evidence of an on going affair.
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She'll come tomorrow to collect her things. And she wants to take our boy's furniture and dishwasher.
What should I do?
Should I cooperate and be nice?
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I would only allow her to take her personal effects and the child's immediate needs. She should not be allowed to take anything more without a court order. Don't let her tear up your home. What is the plan for the child? Have you discussed custody splits? She can't just take your child from you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She can't take the boys furniture from his own home. How will he stay with you? So that should be a NO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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