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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 6
J
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My wife is an ex building surveyor. She gave up work due to health reasons 10 years ago. We've been married 8years, have a five year old daughter.
We argue a lot. I thought our marriage was resilient, given we are still together. The reasons for disharmony are mostly my fault, but I didn't know it till recently. My otherwise very truthful and honest wife did something dishonest and we are currently separated (still in house). I need to know how I feel before I can move forward. Some have told me im a loony control freak and it wasn't an EA. Some gave told me she crossed the line and she ought be more repentant for her actions. Anyway your opinions please..
I was at home. My wife is on a girly "hen" night. The girls and the stags end up in same club. She is at bar chatting to a friend of stag, who owns a building company. She claims she swapped numbers with him as a potential way to pick up some part time work. They chat, she gets on really well and likes him a lot. Soon he makes advances in her which she doesn't reciprocate, and leaves the encounter. She tells me none of this.
We are both at the wedding the next day, at the after wedding party she is very chatty and having a giggle with this man and his brother. I'm hating it, but keep my usual jealousy in check I don't make any obvious (why the [censored] are you two suddenly good mates??! style comments). Although gut reaction was panic.
Over the next few weeks she's weird, hiding phone a lot. I'm paranoid for first time in 8years I think she's hiding something. I get very stressed and upset. On Aug13th i see a 8:30am message in her phone that reads "sorry, I had already gone, I think the week had caught up with me!! xx" followed by a second message of laughter emojis and xx. So I see this and omg who the [censored] is this message from?? I'm in pieces/panic.

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A few weeks later I am still weirded by her behaviour. I install mspy on her phone, and see her Facebook has been chatting to Mr builder. Massive fallout. She apologies for lying and chatting to a man she knows likes her. She had hidden his name as a girls name in phone.

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Two days later I twig, and realise the message in August from "Dan" was him, and she had lied and lied about it to my face. She'd then changed name in phone from Dan to random girls name.
It's the lies. But it's not just the lies. It's a shock to know she can sneak stuff like this. She claims it was just friendship. Clearly there's affectionate xx texts being sent to and fro.

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Oh and she lied about name in phone because of my jealousy. It's all my fault. And repeated lies when I found d the "Dan" message were "damage limitation". And that she reduced contact after I found that message, apparently. I'm still gutted. Our separation is scheduled to end in a week but I'm still twisted up inside by it all.

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I missed a bit - I internet error. She swears blind the message was from her old gay friend Dan, and shed been chatting on WhatsApp and he had replied later on an old phone number. Hence no other texts in that conversation. I swallow it because I desperately wanted to.

Joined: Feb 2009
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Hi Jon,

Your wife is having an affair. It doesn't matter whether it is EA or already gone physical.

Do you want to save your marriage? If yes, then gather the evidence and expose.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Dec 2007
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Yes your WW is having an affair. WW's always claim the "you are Controlling" card because you are interfering with the conducting their affair and need you to back off so they can continue.

Do not tell her you installed spy ware on her phone. As you gather info never reveal how you got that information or that source will dry up.

To further gain proof install a key logger on the PC.
Get your hands on her phone again and activate the GPS/find my phone. Then real time GPS WW car. Last hide a VAR in WW car and another one in the house where WW will take most of her calls when you are not home.

Do not reveal to WW how you found out. You do not have to prove the truth when telling WW.

Best to plan out here on MB to how you will confront WW.

Joined: Apr 2012
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Is the OM married?

Did you save any evidence of the exchanges between them? Although I would also suggest you continue snooping, it sounds like you already have had her confirm that she is having an affair with this guy. Even if she calls it 'inappropriate relationship' or whatever fun name she gave it, she has confirmed it. True? In this case, I would also read up on exposure. Do not confront her, tell her you are going to spy, or threaten her with exposure. Simply keep your spyware in place while preparing to expose, which you want to do in one fell swoop without prewarning anyone.

Why are you 'separated?' By the way, I don't think you can say you are separated when you still live in the same home. I am just wondering why you say you are, and who advised you to separate.

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We had massive upset when I found out she has been repeatedly on his Facebook profile. Then she admitted she had hidden his name in her phone as a random girls name. The day after was awful, discussion s about her deceit, etc. The next day I then found out the 'dan' message from weeks before was him also. We separated that day because I couldn't bear all the repeat lies and deceit. I spent a few days couch - hopping then I felt like "why should I be the one to leave?" and went home. Been living seperately in the house since, hiding it from daughter. She's apologised and said she wants to try again and I've agreed but I'm still all twisted up mentally by her lies. I'm trying now to unpick what I think about what she did. Whether I over-reacted or whatever. OM isn't married no. He'd recently separated/divorced from his second wife and is now a parasite in my life. I have one of his texts, the "Dan" one because I photod her screen when I found it. I think I need therapy. I'm so confused. A therapist/counsellor is calling me tonight to discuss needs etc and arrange meeting .

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What does 'massive upset' mean? And why do you need therapy? You can dawdle around discussing your issues in therapy, or you can fight for your marriage through actions. Dr Harley has devised a very specific plan to handle affairs, by first ending the affair and then rebuilding a great affair proof marriage. But it requires being able to follow a plan with actions. Can you do that?

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? You can find it under 'notable threads.' I would start here.

One thing you need to be aware of is that affairs are addictions. You cannot bully your wife out of one, or reason her out of one. Your greatest method to end her affair, no matter what stage it is at, is to expose it to the people around you (and OM). This will destroy the fantasy, give her some accountability, and give you support. You would also want to expose this to your daughter, 'hiding it' as you said you are doing is never a good idea.

Whether you decide you want out of this marriage (your choice) or you want to fight for it, you will not do either of those things by sitting around in therapy. You will do them by having a plan and following through with it. Regardless of what you choose to do, exposure should be a part of it. If you choose to end the marriage, you would not want to keep the reason why a secret would you? And if you choose to fight for your marriage, the only way to do that is to expose this affair and drive a nail in it.


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