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Thank you. It's thanks to Dr. Harley and Marriage Builders (and God, of course, who led me here). If I had not done Plan A and B, I do not think I would have been recovered at this point. I feel that I did everything I possibly could to save the marriage, so my conscience is 100% clear, and I can move on without regrets or doubts.


Remarried 7/16
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Originally Posted By: nmwb77
Especially when I start to wonder if she always had same sex attraction and deceived me into marrying her.


Yeah, I can see where that would be quite a mind trip.

I would say if anything she deceived herself, and I bet you don't know the half of it. I don't think that's a lifestyle choice anyone casually stumbles into without several departures along the way from their old life.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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If she had confided in me and told me she struggled with same sex attraction, I probably still would have married her, but at least I would have known about it and she could have talked to me about her struggles. I don't know. Maybe it was something she discovered later in life. In any case, it's not my problem anymore. I wished her well and ended contact forever.


Remarried 7/16
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A belated Happy New Year's to everyone.

Well, it's 2016 now and so I've passed my deadline and am looking at dating. But some changing conditions on the ground.

Finished up the 3rd of 3 major technology projects I'd been assigned at work. I was actually planning on asking for a raise given how well things have gone and the amount of positive feedback I've received over the last year or so. My VP had singled me out for working well under pressure and displaying professionalism, as he is aware of my marriage circumstances last year.

Think I found the fly in the ointment on the raise, however. Talking to the VP he indicates our finances aren't quite as expected due to Obamacare compliance costs and some cashflow problems. We've had to make some serious cuts in labor force and what I read between the lines is nobody is getting a raise any time soon.

Not getting the raise isn't the end of the world but the news about our money situation shook me up. We've expanded pretty rapidly and if the numbers aren't there I can see things getting sideways pretty quickly.

I looked at some jobs in this area and in a larger city in my state. I'm very tempted to jump based on what I'm finding on the job market. I could be making a lot more money elsewhere doing the same thing, and though I love my company, I'm just more jumpy about these things now.

It would be a big change for me. I've been in this city for almost 10 years now, since around the time I met my ex. She's really the only reason I stuck around, and though I have some roots by this point, I can't help but think they don't mean anything without her.

I feel like I need to make this decision to jump (or not) sooner rather than later, and I'm having a hard time coming up with any reasons not to leave. I have relatives in the larger city I've been scouting, and outside of the job opportunities, when I visit I notice how many beautiful young women there are around. It's about 3x the size of my current city and with very different demographics. Probably a much better pool for dating. I will be a short commuter (not a city dweller), and though thinking about the distance for dating is a little different I feel like that's pretty common anymore, right?

Nothing earth shattering but I feel like I've got to get this stuff figured out before I get involved with anyone, lest that cloud my judgement.

Reading through Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders (XMas gift from a close friend who I've introduced to MB) and His Needs, Her Needs. Great, great stuff but Dr. Harley is right that men handle single life much more poorly than women.

I felt great till I got the bad news at work this week and that brought on a day or so of anxiety like I've only ever felt during my ex's affair. I'm generally very laid back, sleep like a baby, etc and this screwed me up for a few days. Brought on a lot of despair about the circumstances of the last 18 months.

Sorting it out I feel a lot of is loneliness. As much as I want to get everything in order before I date, I also know I need to get the ball rolling for my own sanity's sake, which is why the job situation seems so urgent. I do not want to be waiting another 6 months before getting out and meeting people.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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I think a move to a better job in a more congenial city not filled with "ex history" is an excellent plan.

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I agree about moving to another location for better job possibilities and more opportunities dating. Get started on your new trigger-free life ASAP!


W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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I also think getting away from ex history is great.

I am still in the same town and wish I could get away somewhat.
I have family here though-

Go:
1. family in new town
2. better pay/hopefully better company
3. no ex memories
4. more single women chances to find someone

Your current location has?
1. familiarity
and???

Go smile


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Hey all,

I should update so here goes:

Firstly, thank you for your feedback. I always get good advice here, and I appreciate everyone taking the time.

On job/moving....had a meeting at work a few days later and got full disclosure on our finances from my boss. We're not too shaky, we just had a terrible 4th quarter that wiped out most of the profit for the 2015 year. Took a bit of pressure off there. Some of the layoffs are obviously sales-performance related but I'm in administrative and not sales so not an issue.

I decided to wait until this summer before making a concrete decision on moving. I spent a lot of time thinking/praying and while the opportunity is very exciting, I also felt like going in January would have been overwhelming. The holidays were pretty rough this year. I would guess it's just the combination of turning 30 and being alone, something I never imagined. Family time was great, but down time (especially after Christmas) was just rough.

So...yeah....I agree with you guys, leaving is probably in my best interest. Just not yet. It's very weird, I've moved a lot in my life (I lived in 3 different cities, just during High School...dad was job hopping) so it's not particularly intimidating as a process. I just felt the timing wasn't right. I'm definitely not willing to settle, career wise. Looking around was a good wake up call that I need to be looking to move up.

I did switch churches shortly after the holidays. I left the church my ex and I went to, which was hard (been there for years), but I think a good thing. It wasn't hostile or anything, left on good terms. A good friend I used to play in a band with goes to another church and he recommended me to them for a vacancy on their worship team. I had visited a few times before and gone to a men's retreat at this church, and always felt very welcome. It's a really good fit and they do a good job there. Also better demographics, more young people. My old church was mostly kids and 40+.

I'm not taking on as much responsibility at this new church because I may be gone soon. But the switch has been great and a bit of a test drive for completely relocating, psychologically. Fresh starts are good medicine.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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No advice from me. Just glad you're doing so well.


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Thanks. smile


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Thanks for the update, Axe. God bless!

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UPDATE:

So...no questions here, I'll be honest. BUT...hopefully some encouragement to those of you who are divorced/divorcing or in a Plan B without much hope. I can remember VERY WELL being there at that time and just sort of lurking and reading other stories from BHs like Jedi Knight, imagining what things might be like after the dust settled. AND ALSO some real world application of Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders. And my $0.02 on online dating, for what that's worth.

So, I've plunged into the world of online dating.

I lurked a bit on Match.com and Christian Mingle. For me, didn't see much I liked on Match but CM was full of interesting women, so I signed up over there. I also signed up for eHarmony based on some recommendations here, but read online that if you wait a bit after registering, they'll offer a discount. It's true, and I'm just waiting to see how low they offer.

It's honestly been a huge shot in the arm of confidence. I've been working pretty hard the last 2 years on applying what I've learned of MB to my outlook and behaviors, as well as working very hard in the gym with weightlifting and conditioning. And I'd recommend that to ANY BH. It ain't rocket science, you'll always like the more muscular version of yourself. And compared to where I was 2 years ago, I'm a lot more muscular now. In a divorce situation, 2 years isn't that long but in physical conditioning, that's enough to make a huge difference.

In that time, I've talked to a couple women at work and couple women at church, but nothing more than that. I've definitely noticed women noticing me more out and about, but I think any BH deals with some loneliness without a relationship.

I took the advice women gave me here and got some great photos of myself put together. A few portrait style, a few of activities with friends or family. Maybe 5-6 total. CM has a very insightful section about "What have you learned from past relationships?" in their profile, and I was honest, direct and relatively brief about what I've learned here and from my marriage.

And now, about 10 days later....I'm talking to 4 different nice women via text and am very pleasantly surprised by the women who are interested in me on that site. LOL

So....yeah. Nice guys, do NOT despair. Almost every one of these women (and remember, this is a CHRISTIAN DATING SITE) have said "I like you, because you're not trying to hook up/you talk to me respectfully/you are interested in what I have to say"...all things you should pick up if you spend much time around here and/or read LoveBusters!

ALSO...glad I've read Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders. One of these girls wants to move things to what I would consider Renter status (exclusive relationship) right away, and I have the framework of Dr. Harley to know I should stay a freeloader for at least a while. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I just want to get a better handle on what's out there before I commit to anything.

Of course the downside with online is distance, and only a couple of these girls are nearby. Just wanted to be honest on that one. But anyhow...life is good. smile

And it's truly fascinating to see how different the personalities and chemistry are from person to person. Feel like I've got the inside track on how to approach things having read B/R/F.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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So nice to hear from you ax and happy things are going well for you. Nice to have the example for other BSs and glad you're staying around.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good to see you doing well, ax! And I can vouch for eh smile


Remarried 7/16
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Originally Posted By: axslinger85
UPDATE:


ALSO...glad I've read Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders. One of these girls wants to move things to what I would consider Renter status (exclusive relationship) right away, and I have the framework of Dr. Harley to know I should stay a freeloader for at least a while. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I just want to get a better handle on what's out there before I commit to anything.

d only a couple of these girls are nearby.


Asking to be exclusive is not being a renter. It is a step to move the relationship along.

As to those that do not live close unless you are willing to move or she is, right away you should not even respond. Except to say thank you for your interest but LDR's are not right for you then wish them luck, then block. For you should of learned this on MB that LDR's are almost impossible to affair proof.

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Originally Posted By: TheRoad
Originally Posted By: axslinger85
UPDATE:


ALSO...glad I've read Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders. One of these girls wants to move things to what I would consider Renter status (exclusive relationship) right away, and I have the framework of Dr. Harley to know I should stay a freeloader for at least a while. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I just want to get a better handle on what's out there before I commit to anything.

d only a couple of these girls are nearby.


Asking to be exclusive is not being a renter. It is a step to move the relationship along.

As to those that do not live close unless you are willing to move or she is, right away you should not even respond. Except to say thank you for your interest but LDR's are not right for you then wish them luck, then block. For you should of learned this on MB that LDR's are almost impossible to affair proof.


Have you read the book?

What in my post made you think I intend to marry someone and live separately from them?


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 10/03/16 06:53 PM. Reason: TOS disrespectful - unfamiliar with MB material
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Update:

Did online dating for a while on Christian Mingle and Match.com, followed up with a few in-person dates too. After about 6 or 7 I found someone I was really impressed with and have great chemistry with, and we are dating exclusively now. BRF really was helpful, because I knew to go in as a freeloader and if something seemed off or the chemistry wasn't there, move on.

Great advice, as I eventually found someone I can't get enough of who feels the same way about me. Treats me incredibly well compared to my ex-WW, I had no idea how much effort I was putting into keeping that relationship afloat until now.

Thanks as always to the MB community, and to any out there looking at online dating I'd only say remember it is a numbers game, feast or famine. You will get no responses for what seems like an eternity sometimes (maybe a week or so) and then all of a sudden you'll get a ton coming back at you. Don't quit early.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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I'd only add that getting close to someone again has been challenging in some ways (trust) after everything that's happened, but I figure that is probably normal and I am taking it slow and trusting that patience (and God) will help me sort that bit out.

Also I know there's plenty of MB materials to guide things as they progress. I've been thinking how useful the personal history questionnaire in BRF would have been last time around!


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
Joined: Dec 2011
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Glad to hear that you found someone, Axe. I wish you luck with her. If things work out, your new gal is getting an assertive, thoughtful, and committed guy, and she will be lucky to have such a great companion.

Thanks for the recommendation of BRF. I've read many of Dr. Harley's books but not that one, so I will make sure to get a copy. Cheers!

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