My world was completely turned upside down a few days ago and I don't know who to talk to about it, I'm too ashamed. My husband has been cheating with my son's fianc�e for the last few months. I caught them in the act by accident. I had no idea anything was going on, no suspicions, nothing. My son dumped her right away, refuses to speak to my husband and said he will not be coming back to the house.

My husband has been pleading with me that it was a huge mistake and he wasn't thinking clearly. He says it just happened and he didn't mean for it to go on this long. He claims he's tried to end it in the past.

I don't know what to do.

Hello jenn,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the things that have brought you here. They're devastating we know.

This site and the forum posters will give you an exact plan that you should follow should you choose to stay in this marriage. It will also help you make this marriage better than it was prior to this affair.

You will need to put in extraordinary precautions so that your H isn't given an opportunity to cheat. That means he needs to cut off all contact with his affair partner. You will need to spy on your H to ensure that he isn't continuing his affair.

Others will be along to give you greater detail on what some of these items in that plan are.

Hi Jenn and welcome to MB.

Who have you exposed the affair to? Dr Harley recommends full exposure of an affair. Please go to the notable posts section and read the Exposure 101 thread on how to do a full exposure. It is the best way to end an affair, provide accountability for your WH and the OW, and to give you support. I know your situation is tricky because your son is also involved, but it would be a service to him to expose this too. People need to know why his engagement is over so they can support him, I'm sure he too must be devastated for this double betrayal.

It is great that your son dumped this girl, she is clearly not marriage material. All 3 of you should never see or speak to her again.

Here is a list of Extraordinary Precautions Dr Harley provides in his Surviving an Affair book, to guide you on how to recover from an affair. Recovering from an affair is a very narrow path. If you cherry pick how to recover, you will NOT recover, it is just that simple.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I've exposed the affair to her parents, my parents, and my in-laws in the last hour. Everyone has been very supportive of me; my in-laws did not try to make excuses for my husband or try to take his side. My son's ex-fianc�e's parents didn't really have much of a reaction, I never really cared for them in the first place.

My husband is upset that we didn't tell all our families together, he didn't want them to find out from me alone.

Good job! It's okay about your husband being upset. Your marriage can survive his anger, but it can't survive an ongoing affair.

I'm sure that your parents and in-laws will talk with him anyway, but by your going to them first, there is less chance for your husband to get away with spinning the story in any way. Now they will hold him accountable for his actions (which is a good thing for him and for your marriage!).

Will your husband hand-write a note and give it to you to put into an envelope and mail to the OW?

How far away does this OW live?

We recommend the wayward spouse not be involved with exposure; they lessen the impact with their excuses.

He didn't include you in his marriage (and family) wrecking behavior, and you don't need to negotiate with him your requirements for recovery. You get to expose. He doesn't get a say in if or how that is done.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about writing a note and sending it to her so she knows it's over between them. She lives about 20 minutes away from us so I know there's a very strong possibility they're still seeing each other even though he says no.

It's been very hard trying to get answers from him. He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me or he doesn't remember specifics or certain events.

Just know that living that close means the affair will be on and off again for years unless you move away. I am sorry to say you will have to move if you want to save this. They will both be perpetually triggered. You will be triggered with grief everytime your paths cross.

For now, you will want to get a GPS on his car and spyware on his phone.

And you didn't want him to have an affair. He doesn't get a vote in this. It is not helpful for the wayward spouse to be present at the exposure. They should never know about it in advance.

Yes, you are going to have to move, 20 minutes away is too close to keep NO contact for life. I'm sorry.

But for now as you are sorting things out, we recommend that you install a tracking device (GPS) either on his phone or in his car. Also, pick up two VARs (voice activated recorders) and place them in areas where he goes off by himself to talk on the phone (I did the car and the bathroom).

He has already hurt you in the worst way imaginable. Dr. Harley has stated that the pain of an affair is worse than losing a child or being gang-raped. Him hiding info from you now because he "doesn't want to hurt you" is just plain silly. If he won't be forthcoming with (truthful) answers, you can always insist on a polygraph as a condition for your being willing to stay married.

I can't imagine moving, we've lived in our house for almost 20 years and we love the neighborhood. I really thought I would never move again. I doubt she will stay in her apartment forever; I hope she moves away so we don't have to go anywhere.

My husband thinks writing a letter is cold and he would like to see her in person to end it and give her final closure on their affair.

He's given me the password to his email, social media, and the passcode to his phone. I'm going to look into tracking devices, VARs, and keyloggers. I'm also thinking of installing security cameras in our house as that's where I caught them; there's no guarantee they wouldn't get together again in our house while I'm at work.

In addition to moving has he changed all his contact information?

What avenues did he use to facilitate his affair?

He hasn't changed his cell phone number or email address yet. I've asked him to shut down his Facebook account and he will do that.

He mostly contacted her through his work email and they texted but I never checked his phone.

Umm..no... he does not need to see her in person.....marriage wrecking OW don't get closure especially as any contact with her will hurt you.....no contact...just a letter stating no contact and he changes his contact information.

You will need access to his work email since that was a main way of contact.

Thats fine. Just know you will be living there alone soon enough when the affair continues. You can choose the house over your marriage, that is your prerogative.


He has to commit to NEVER EVER seeing her again. NEVER. SEnding her a no contact letter is a goodwill gesture to you. You should not tolerate anything less.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



If she has been in your home, you certainly need to move. You will be perpetually triggered. I would also suggest filing a restraining order against her since she is brazen enough to defile your home!

One thing he can do is give you access to his work email. Does he bring a laptop home? Can you install spyware on it? Another thing you should do is get him a flip phone so he can't text. All avenues that were used for the affair should be closed down. Everything.

And that still won't be enough since she lives 20 minutes away. I am sorry.

He has given me access to his work phone, but he doesn't bring a laptop home. I don't think I'll be able to install any software on it, his company security doesn't allow to install software other than what they install on their computers.

He will need to give you full access to his work email account. And I don't mean he brings the laptop home and shows you. He needs to link to it on your home computer and give you his password. Maybe through a web access account? Another way this can be done is via an ipad. He could install his work email on your ipad and you could access it any time.

You can install software on his work laptop if he is on your home server. Of course it will be useless if he knows so you would need to do it secretly.