I asked it respectfully, I did not tell him he was wrong for feeling disrespected, but I did say I meant no disrespect by it and it was simply an honest question. But I did not apologize for asking the question. Was this wrong? Or should I have said "I'm sorry you feel that way".

My H asked me to do something for him. I declined and said I was not enthusiastic about it. He then got really quiet and stopped speaking. I asked several questions and he answered in a quiet monotone voice. Then we rode the next 2 hours in mostly silence. There was no angry outburst. Can anyone tell me why I feel like running for the hills?

Yes, because he is punishing you for declining his request. It is a form of abuse.

Is there anything in the MB material about the phenomenon of one spouse getting very quiet? I call it "the Silent Treatment" but I don't understand my own reaction to it.

What do you mean exactly? Some spouses use the "silent treatment" to punish the other spouse. Others are silent because they withdraw into a protective shell. I hesitate to use that last description because your husband has told us in the past he was "abused" because of your weight, etc. Which do you think it is?

I went back to page 1 and was trying to see what your plan was, and I can't figure it out. Can you help me get back up to speed?

I just listened to the first radio show again. I'm curious aboyt what is happening with the treatment for his depression. Did the naturopathic method work? Was he taking meds when things got better for awhile? Is he still under a doctor's care and taking the prescriptions?

In our case, I declined his request and he became silent. He says it was because he was afraid to say anything, that he is afraid that whatever he will say will make the conversation "go south". So he says nothing. He is frustrated because he feels whether he speaks or doesn't speak, it is going to cause a downward spiral in the conversation. I feel the silence as punishing, it feels like he is acting as though I don't exist. I have tried different things over the years to get through this, but nothing is successful. Generally, he will eventually start talking, become angry over my perceived offense, have an angry outburst. I generally try to appease, apologize, (even for being overweight) and he would say my apology is not sincere unless I demonstrate it. ie. have sex. I usually would! What a disaster. I have made so many mistakes. But I am trying to change all that. As far as a plan...I am back at square one. We were trying to have lots of UA time, but there are too many Love Busters. He was doing better while on meds but he stopped taking them at some point. I don't know when. He did not tell me he had stopped. He has not been to the doctor since that first time.

How quickly do you try to have normal conversation with him after he becomes quiet/upset?

How long does his silence/not engaging with you typically last?

Why don't you and your husband either sign up for the MB program or write Dr Harley again? I think you have to admit that do-it-yourself is not working. Your husband needs the hands on guidance and supervision of Dr Harley that you would get in the online program. They would assign you a coach who works with you every week on the lessons. She is supervised by Dr Harley. you would have daily access to Dr H on the private forum. It costs $1000 but it is worth every penny. My H and I went through it in 2007.

Yes, good idea, and definitely worth it.

Last week the Silent Treatment was about 4 days, on Monday only 2 hours. But then it went on to a horrible episode at night. The longest has been about 1 1/2 weeks. This happens about 3 to 5 times per year. In my younger days I would try to get him to talk as soon as I noticed something was off. Now I don't try to get him to talk at all.

Definitely this is not working.

It sounds like you have rewarded him in the past for his silent treatment. I agree you shouldn't do that anymore.

Here is the coaching program we are suggesting - it is worth every penny. here

Is saying "I think you should go back on your meds" a DJ?

Why not "how would you feel about taking such and such again?"

Phrased the way you put it, yes it would likely feel like a DJ to the recipient.

Generally speaking, telling a spouse what they "should" is usually a DJ.

Why do you call them "meds"? Are they supplements or are they prescriptions?

The person who ultimately decides whether it is a DJ though, is the recipient.

Indianajordan felt it was, so it was.

Update: We have been separated for 2 months now. I have asked for 3 months of no contact except for business or child issues, and a 1 year separation. I will give him every opportunity to get help and healing. He clearly was not able to: "Do this, and stop doing that". It is such a relief to be out, It has been years and years of emotional, spiritual, mental and physical abuse. I literally tried everything to fix the issues but could never get to a resolution and he would not take any responsibility for the issues. He has a porn and sex addiction. Friends from our church and our children tell me he is saying that I have issues from my childhood and when I get them sorted out we will be back together. They do see that this is not the case but I have never told people, including children, what has actually happened in our home. I don't know if I should. I have some support in my community and some good online support. For the first time in years I feel hope and happiness despite the losses.

If you haven't told the children anything then why do they think you moved out?

His "silent treatment", anger, criticism of my appearance, and escalating physical abuse. These are things that they have been aware of, some of the children saw these things when they were at home.