Giving her "the silent treatment for days" does not become acceptable just because you warn her you are going to do it.

Why on earth do you need "time alone to think"? Can't you think while you're in the bathroom?

Your quietness has everything to do with her, and you are indeed trying to shut her out of your life for the length of time that you "need some time to think and to be quiet". If what you do is stay away from her, or, alternatively, stay in the same room as her but refuse to interact because you want to "think" - which means not to talk to her - then that is directly about her. It's insulting and unpleasant.

Has it occurred to you that you need to be pleasant to live with, if you want your wife to be in love with you and meet your needs? How does needing to be silent when she wants to interact with you count as being pleasant?

Good grief.

Have you ever physically restrained her prior to this?

Your wording indicates this is something you do but she hasn't complained about it before.

Yes I have physically restrained my wife before this. I remember distinctly back when we were dating her having to leave and me holding on to her because I did not want those times to end either. For me that feeling is still there and if anything it is stronger than it was then. Somehow it was received differently then.

I understand what you are saying about my quietness affecting her because it is unpleasant for her. I also see it now as a selfish demand. There was no negotiation beforehand how we would spend the day. I just decided I needed some quiet time. I can see that clearly. That was definitely selfish on my part.

The past failure she brought up was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. I had gone outside for an early morning walk while she slept. When I returned she awoke and went into the washroom. I undressed and climbed into the warm spot in the bed to warm up. I put the TV on and then put my hands between my legs under the covers to warm them so they would be warm when she returned. When she came out of the bathroom she saw me sitting in bed with my hands between my legs watching TV, the home improvement channel if I remember correctly. After her comments I pulled back the covers to show her I was not aroused and had no erection. Clearly she did think it was truly happening in the moment but I showed her that I was not aroused and I truly was not watching for the purpose of being aroused. We did discuss the incident on the drive home and it was pleasant enough and I believe constructive. Only after the discussion I still had a nagging feeling that something was bothering me. It is definitely possible that she perceived my reply as blame shifting, but that was not my intent. Regarding checking her phone, I already stated that I apologized immediately. Also, we had prior discussions about not responding to the phone during UA time. Is that not what the U in UA time is all about?

Any woman would feel unsafe if a man physically restrains her.
It doesn't matter how quickly you apologize.

This is not a problem of the past -- you triggered her, and it is a problem that is very real in the present for her.

I thought you said this happened in the PAST? The way you describe, it had just happened? Did this happen years ago or am I reading you wrong?

Have you had issues with porn?

You are reading me wrong. This was a recent incident but it triggered her in her mind to an incident of the past where I actually was watching women on TV for the purpose of being aroused. The point is that this recent time I was not. Yes she was triggered but what she saw that triggered her was not actually happening. It looked like it might be happening but she was mistaken. I think Dr. Harley teaches not to bring up past failures, particularly during UA time does he not?

No, you are very wrong. She addressed a CURRENT event, not a PAST event. She saw your hands under the covers and addressed it. It doesn't matter if it wasn't happening, she thought it WAS. So this was not in the PAST. And you should stop trying to shut her up. WE KNOW WHAT DR. HARLEY TEACHES, SIR.

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This event was not in the PAST in relation to her comments. We do know the difference between past and present.

She is not motivated to follow Dr. Harley's teachings.

If you want to save your marriage, you're going to need to start following them.

One thing you need to do is quit explaining why you believe she should feel different. That's the heart of disrespect, and is a complete violation of everything Dr. Harley teaches, and she can smell it a mile away.

Do you want to turn this around and save your marriage, or do you want to try to compile a list of your wife's faults?

Indianajordan, with that history and because watching TV triggers your wife (brings your past into her present), why watch it at all?

Every time you watch TV she is likely wondering if you are comparing her to any woman who appears on the screen. You have unfortunately been quite hurtful in the ways you have let her know that she does not arouse you like other women do. Every time you watch TV, all of that is likely recalled into her present.

Can you stop watching TV? You could read or find a hobby to keep you occupied during your down time.

Yes I very much do want to save my marriage. I asked above what applying the program unilaterally looks like under the conditions of our separation.

I would try using the program to attract her back. I wouldn't use the program to get her in line, but start using it yourself.

IJ, do you have a todo list of things written down from this thread that we have suggested that you do?

Yes I believe I could stop watching TV. We lived a couple years without a TV before we had children and after the children started arriving we lived 15 years without one and we only got one then because our oldest went out and bought one. Even then it was mostly used for games. I much prefer reading or other activities.

I hear what you are saying. I will use the program only for myself. Clearly I am more than enough for me to handle. Thank you

Update: Soon to be divorced.