I need some advice. I have no idea what to do and am just confused and in pain and miserable.

A few days before I was supposed to move out and start plan B, WW said she ended the affair and started acting better. I didn't tell her I was getting ready to leave. The week or two before telling me she ended it, she was fighting with OM and trying to end the affair with him on the VAR. I emailed Dr. Harley and he said continue plan A until she runs off to OM again.

WW has been calling me a lot throughout the day and is no longer being mean or arguing with me. She also has started laughing at my jokes and just being more pleasant in general. But I have zero transparency and she shows zero affection. And she showed no withdrawal symptoms. She had a little trouble sleeping for a few nights and was in a bad mood for a week, but that's it. No depression or anything.

Do I go back to asking for transparency everyday like I did during our last false recovery period? I assume I have been depositing love units during this time that she is being nice. But if I start asking about transparency again, she is going to fight and shut down and not let me deposit anything. But I am also miserable without transparency.

Or do I skip the transparency and start telling her we need to move?

Dollarbob, on the radio show a few days ago, Dr. Harley gave some great advice for this type of thing. I think the advice was for the poster PTSD.

Do you listen to the show? I don't see how anyone who is serious about their marriage could miss it!

You cannot move forward without transparency and a move to a new home. You have done 6 months of Plan A, and now you're at a crossroad. Either she needs to give you transparency and move with you, or you need to go to Plan B.

I'd tell her that it's great that she has ended her affair, but now you need to take steps to heal. Show her the checklist, talk about transparency and moving. If she balks, go to Plan B. Don't tell her about Plan B, or threaten her with Plan B, just do it.

Yes Didntquit, I listen to the show most days.


Prisca, that was my plan exactly until I emailed Dr. Harley and he told me to continue plan A a little longer until she leaves me again. I can see where that makes sense I think. I believe if I leave now when we are "getting along", her and everyone else will say she ended the affair and gave me a chance and I left her. If I wait until she leaves again, her and everyone else will say that I tried my hardest and she ruined it. I believe everytime her and OM argue or she gets sad, she will remember that I tried and she ruined it, and maybe that will make her more likely to accept the checklist. At least that is my theory.

I don't look forward to moving in with my parents, leaving my home and possibly losing time with my kids eventually, but I am ready to get on with my life. And I want to hurry while she is somewhat dependent on me right now after switching to a lower paying job with no insurance benefits. The kind of luck she has though, she will probably inherit a million dollars tomorrow and dissappear with OM forever.

Maybe I should start bringing up the checklist again everyday? That will make her mad and make her argue with me and may speed her up into running back to OM. Then I can hurry up and leave. But I worry that her last memory of me will be us fighting and me "trying to control her."

I am pretty confident that she will return to me after I start plan B. I think after putting up with her abuse for 6 months and refusing to divorce her has emboldened her and made her think she can do whatever she wants and I will always be there. I'm just not sure if I still want to move away, but I am sure I don't want to live with her and remain so near to OM.

If she hasn't agreed to transparency, then she hasn't "ended the affair."

So should I start telling her I need transparency again and bring up the checklist? I'm lost now since Dr. Harley said to continue plan A a little longer.

I feel almost as bad as I did after d-day because I no longer have any plan. We have been getting along good but I also haven't mentioned transparency or anything at all. I've asked a few times if she has had any contact and she says no. And we haven't spent any time apart except for work. But I assume they are talking somehow. Even though we get along good and spend a lot of time together, she still shows no affection and doesn't respond when I say "I love you". And she seems to be perfectly content with the state of things right now. So I assume her and OM are talking, or she is waiting for something and trying to act friendly until that time comes.

Have you gotten some mild anti-depressants from your family doctor? Did you let Dr. Harley know that your mental health is suffering? His advice would have been based on the assumption that you were still emotionally healthy enough to continue. You need to go to Plan B if you are on anti-depressants and you are still having a difficult time emotionally.

The doctor increased my dosage last week since I was on a very low dose. My depression is under control right now and I feel fairly well. I do feel more tired and weak, but I can't tell if it's the affair or something else.

I know I should be pushing WW for transparency and to make some changes, but I feel so tired and I don't feel like I have the energy for when she pushes back and throws a tantrum.

It's frustrating because I can't tell what is going on. She calls me multiple times per day and talks with me and laughs and seems happy. But when she gets home from work she gets in the bed and watches tv until bed time. She doesn't help with any chores or anything. She is still in a good mood at home, but she doesn't show any desire to work on the marriage. She also covers herself when she is shirtless and I walk by. She isn't spending time on her phone or computer or acting shady though. I hate to leave now in case she really isn't talking to OM at all, but I also hate living like roommates and not following a plan to restore love to the marriage.

I think I will talk to her after work and remind her that it has been 1 month now since she said she ended the affair. I'm going to tell her I feel bad and I need transparency and we need to move and I need to know the affair is over. And we also need to follow the plan to restore love and intimacy.

Does that sound like the right thing to do?

The doctor increased my dosage last week since I was on a very low dose. My depression is under control right now and I feel fairly well. I do feel more tired and weak, but I can't tell if it's the affair or something else.

I know I should be pushing WW for transparency and to make some changes, but I feel so tired and I don't feel like I have the energy for when she pushes back and throws a tantrum.

It's frustrating because I can't tell what is going on. She calls me multiple times per day and talks with me and laughs and seems happy. But when she gets home from work she gets in the bed and watches tv until bed time. She doesn't help with any chores or anything. She is still in a good mood at home, but she doesn't show any desire to work on the marriage. She also covers herself when she is shirtless and I walk by. She isn't spending time on her phone or computer or acting shady though. I hate to leave now in case she really isn't talking to OM at all, but I also hate living like roommates and not following a plan to restore love to the marriage.

I think I will talk to her after work and remind her that it has been 1 month now since she said she ended the affair. I'm going to tell her I feel bad and I need transparency and we need to move and I need to know the affair is over. And we also need to follow the plan to restore love and intimacy.

Does that sound like the right thing to do?

I'm more concerned about your health. This kind of emotional exhaustion can result in long-term health issues. Please take care of yourself. If you're ready for Plan B, I would suggest that you go ahead and do it. I lack experience with this sort of thing, but I can almost feel the pain as I read your posts. Only you can decide when enough is enough, but I would urge you to err on the side of staying healthy.

Thanks nmwb77 for the concern. I'm pretty much ready for plan B, it's just depressing thinking about that because I will have to move in with my parents. And I hate their house. Just something about it. I think I would mind less if I could afford to have my own place. But I also worry about the kids too.

WW is acting like she plans on staying in the marriage. She is scheduling things for us to do as a family in the future and planing future vacations and things. But she is also starting to complain about things I have done in the past. For instance, I brought her flowers home a couple days ago. Today she remarked "you have only bought me flowers about 4 times in the 8 years of our marriage."
She also complained when I told her I wanted me and her to go shopping instead of her and her mom going. She ended up going with me, but complained that I never wanted to do things together in the past.

Since I am very close to starting plan B, can I threaten her? If I start telling her I need transparency and she keeps declining or fighting, can I say "I need transparency or I am leaving."?

I feel that she is so used to my plan A the past 6 months that she believes she can do anything and I will always be chasing after her.

No, threatening is not going to get you anywhere. Threats are always done out of a position of weakness. Don't threaten, just do. But complaints are actually a good thing. It means she's in what Dr. Harley calls the conflict state of mind. That's moving back from withdrawal and towards intimacy.

Maybe one of the veterans can chime in, but I think you may want to insist on transparency again. You may be on the verge of a breakthrough.

She is noticing your nice gestures but wondering if they are going to continue. When she says that you didnt before, tell her that you should have, but that was the past and you plan to take care of her better from now on. It is a good sign that she is comparing the old you with the new one. She has tentative hope.

Do you have access to your show? Didn't Dr. H answer the transparency question? I thought he said to hold off any demands and focus on drawing her to you without pressure. Not in those words, but the general idea. Do I have you confused with someone else?

Something to add about her comparing the past with the present-
Try to see her comments as observations instead of criticisms. It's very surprising to us when our spouse does something differently. In this case it's a good thing. Reassure her that your changes are intentional.

Last night I was complaining about her being mean. She said "I'm not being mean because I started back talking to OM. I'm being mean because you keep annoying me." Then she said, "I wish I was talking to OM. It would be a lot better than this."

I told her I need transparency and that she hurt me in the worst way possible. She said she doesn't care. I said I need her to help me instead of making it worse. Then we went to sleep.

All this. ^^^^ Relisten to the show, Dollarbob.

You can do this. Things are looking up. Don't blow it now. Stop the demands and the complaints for the time being and plan A all the way. You are making progress! Don't stop now, make it even better. Rock Solid niceness.

Dollarbob, can you please listen to the last 10 minutes of the radio show thats playing today?

Dollarbob,

You are being tested by your WW. They will always test your resolve and try to find out how serious you are about your Plan A. I went through the exact same thing with my WW. I am far from a perfect marriage. But, I see a lot of similarities in what you are describing. Expect your WW to put up resistance to your efforts to deposit love units. Expect her to throw in mean jibes at you and act like you are dragging her along to everything you suggest you do together. She will still do it and appreciate it even though she says the opposite. This is your test and you must "kill her with kindness"

As others have mentioned, stop the complaining at all costs! When she brings up the comments that you haven't done nice things in the past, reassure her that this is the NEW you and it's here to stay. Tell her you both don't want to go back to the lousy marriage you had in the past and you are only focused on the future.

I think what you are seeing is a good sign that you are headed in the right direction. This is the final stretch, so don't give up!

I was finally able to listen to the last show, Didntquit. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. That wasn't my question at the end, but the guy had the same name as me and the answer did fit my situation.

WW was in a great mood yesterday and being nice. There was a song on the radio that she said she wished would have been our wedding song and she was continuing to talk about and plan activities for us to do together as a family. She has every weekend planned out until after Christmas.

Things seem to be getting better, but it's only temporary I think unless I get transparency and we move away from the area where OM lives. It's just hard to bring up those things when she is being nice and friendly. I have been waiting until she gets angry or starts being mean, and then I bring it up while she is already mad. That may be a bad tactic, I'm not sure.

What are some nice things I can do besides buying flowers? It looks like the flowers had a good effect last week, but I need to do something else too. It's too hard to pick out jewelry and stuff. And I've been doing 100% of the chores and 99% of the childcare, so I can't put in any more effort there.