To all the betrayers, how does it feel not to be raising your children? It must be nice to walk off in the sunset, go anywhere, do as you please, have fun, run around with a woman while your wife is home going crazy trying to raise your children. My ex-H is doing all these things and acting like a teenager while I am trying to make sure my kids have a decent life. I work very hard to give them everything they need and my ex gets to play with them every other weekend then send them back home to me to assume all the responsibility while he has a good time. How do you live with yourself?

OOHH, AD, I can tell how frustrated you are. It's so very hard to be in your position; I'm there too. And it IS hard, because responsibilities and obligations come before you. Our greatest work and our greatest blessings, huh?<P>But, since you haven't been here long, you may not realize that our friends, the betrayers who are posting on this board are, with very few exceptions, working very hard to rebuild their lives and their marriages. After all, this is the MB board. Some of our SPOUSES, on the other hand, well that's another story entirely.<P>Take the time to read some of the posts from those on the other (betrayer) side of the fence here. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find a tremendous amount of pain, struggle, dedication, love, and honor among our members here. I've learned a lot and feel priviledged to have known these people. <P>This is a hard time for you, for all of us. Please vent here whenever you need to. We're all here for you. I'm glad you're here.<P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited November 09, 1999).]

AD, I agree with Lori. The betrayers here are Marriage Builders. We appreciate their presence, more so I'm sure, their spouses appreciate that they come to MB. Your question is welcome, the way it is phrased antagonistic.<P>Your issues are legitimate. My H has been out of the house for more than 8 months, but not all at one time. Only in this last separation (our 6th) for one month has he had actual visitation, before I cooked, entertained, made sure everybody (including H) was "OK".<P>Now he take one angry 14 year old girl (and if that doesn't make you shiver, you just don't remember) and another flighty 11 year old girl off for an evening--both refuse to spend the night where he lives. They are his responsibility. I've asked HIM your question, just as your question is really directed at your spouse, and he cannot answer.<P>I'm trying to pour soothing oil on you. This is a great forum, saves sanity, if not actual lives, every day. And we need our balance as is provided by those who have broken their vows, as well as those of us who have kept them.<P>Peace.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Hi AD,<BR>I too know your anger and the resentment that is building up inside you.<P>I am wrestling with some demons of my own. As I write this, I contemplate getting a divorce, but making the custody arrangements in such a way, that it will have the greatest impact on his new, cushie life. I want to impose restrictions and conditions that will make enjoying sunsets impossible. Can i do this? I dunno, appointment with lawyer is on Friday. We'll see. <P>Up till now, I've behaved impeccably, with the restraint of a saint. And the more responsible and calm I am, the more he seems to act like a lout. Enough. It's time he sees that he is responsible for half, and by god is he going to get his half in spades. I'm thinking of dropping off our two huge Alaskan Malmutes on his door step...and telling him they're his problem (he would never put them down), all their feeding, exercise and vet appointments. In addition, 3 to 4 days aweek he'll need to look after our Baby D. His turn to wake in the middle of the night for a feed and change, get him up to his elbows in dirty diapers. Hopefully, she can be teething at the time (heehee). <P>Furthermore, after trying to keep up with all these 'new' responsibilities, he might just be tooo tired to want to do 'single' things on weekends.<P>I know, I'm ranting and raving. I won't go through with it, but boy, would it be nice.<P>So AD, the reason they can and do act that way is 'cause they've got a good woman behind them; US!! They know that at least someone will be responisible. and so they get away with it. Bring back the old days, or Arabic customs. A little public castigation, or chiding never hurt.<P>SORRY BETRAYERS, but AD got me going...

AD,<P>First, I am a woman who has been married nearly 20 years. My H cheated on me, on our marriage 12 years ago, and we made it through that because we loved each other tons, and because we wanted to. <P>Earlier this year, I made a <B>TERRIBLE</B> mistake. I had a three month affair. And so, I have become on of the people here who is both betrayed and betrayer.<P>Why am I here? Because I am a Marriage<B>Builder</B> who realized her mistake and scoured the internet to find some help. I read books, went to a therapist, and begged my H to forgive me. When all else failed though, I came here. This place has become my solice, my place of refuge, the place where I am loved... but sometimes it is also the place where I am put in my place, hurt, and yes, sometimes asked how I can live with myself. <P>Let me tell you how I live with myself. I made a MISTAKE. I have hated myself to the point of near-suicide. I have had health problems related directly to my choice to have an affair. My H has suffered, and yes, my children (who are older, but suffer nonetheless). But here's what I've done: I've realized that my family is most important, and I realized it early on, thankfully. I realized that I was selfish and wrong, and have done something about it. I have asked for the forgiveness of my God, my H, my children, and most recently, have offered my apologies to the W of the OM.<P>You are here for a reason. It is to build your marriage. I wish you peace and good wishes as you begin this journey. Your H is smack in the middle of this thing. You will be there for your kids because you are a good mother, and you love your children. I pray that your H will see the truth of his fantasy and come home where he belongs.<P>Remember this though... when you say things like - "how can you live with yourself" you hurt people like me. I have worked very hard over the last year to find a way to do just that.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I guess that question is for the betrayers who are gone from their home and neglecting all responsibilities. How could ANYONE, I've asked, leave their responsibilities? How could anyone leave their kids? I cannot imagine, no matter what. <P>Trying to make sense out of madness of those who choose to go this way could never understand. I couldn't either, and I WAS a betrayer.

Hi AD and Welcome....<P>I am sorry for the pain and unfairness of this whole mess....I am living it also, but am fortunate in that I don't have to see any children being put through it...THAT I don't think I would handle very well at all!!<P>The Betrayers here, as you've been told and will understand yourself - once you read around here a bit, are all in some stage of working on their marriages and themselves...<P>Unfortunately, your H and mine and a lot of other spouses and x's do not have the courage to do what the betrayers here are doing....FACING THEIR RESPONSI- BILITIES AND learning how best to handle the problems in their situations.<P>One day our "Betrayers" will discover what they had and threw away.....<P>Hugs and Prayers to you and your children,<P>Sheba

I'm the betrayer and would NEVER in a million years leave my kids. It was never an option ... even when I thought I wanted to marry the OM.<P>No stereotyping allowed.

When you find out how they can do it, then please let me know. Been doing the same as you for nine months since the W split.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Perhaps the only way they can live with themselves is to pretend the children don't exist except when they are physically present. I wonder if their is a connection between a tendency to hyperfocus and the ability to compartmentalize the children. I have seen the kids stand right next to their father and call, "Daddy, Daddy" and if he were concentrating on something, he wouldn't even hear them. I couldn't do that if I tried.

im quite sure that my H figures he was sending home enough money to support us while he was living with her, and recently he pointed out to me that i don't seem to need his help for anything (i do, but i daren't ask him, as he used to tell me i was a lazy good for nothing, and i need to prove him wrong).<BR>he's home now, but i still get the feeling he would rather be anywhere but here, as much as he claims to love the babies....