Hello,
I was the ws in our marriage, one a in 20 years. I asked for a D and my husband found out and wanted to work it out. He found MB and was quite rigid with it early on. After about 6 months he said he could not listing to the podcast nightly because there was always talk of an affair and it triggered him. So we got off track with the program. I found the radio shows very helpful. We have read the books and started the workbooks but now don't do anything. He blames me for not following MB about negotiating but yet continues angry outbursts. Just tonight he had an outburst mild compared to history but I told him right way that I was triggered by it and he started blaming me for our talks always failing. I see him withdrawing and being controlling like he was when I had the affair. I am very fearful that he won't continue with the recovery work. His anger is so scary to me I feel I am returning to being afraid to say anything so there is no way to follow the POJA. I am back to apologizing for envy thing and either I ask him to do his part and he blows up or I just accept. Not sure how to get out of this dynamic. It is d finitely what brought me to verge of D and affair to begin with. Any suggestions on how to help bring BS back to MB. I believe deep in his heart he wants us to recover but is so avoidant of anything that is not easy.
Thanks

Welcome to MB.

Does your BH post here?

Who was the OM?

Has all the EPs been put in place? Are you being completely transparent?

What is he doing about his AOs? Is he in anger management?

Hello cmkh, welcome to Marriage Builders. Will your husband come here and post to us? WE can help you both get through this.


The first suggestion is to stop blaming him for your affair. An angry husband might lead to a divorce, but it is irrational to say it caused your affair. An affair is caused by poor boundaries around the opposite sex. You need to stop using that as an excuse. Did you feel entitled to have an affair because of his anger?

No BH does not post here.
The OM was in another country. No contact all EPs done even telling kids.
I am not transparent about my fears of my husband. I am back to being afraid of him - he is not working like he used to be on AOs.

I guess I did feel entitled at a certain point. I realize now I have had poor boundaries all my life but I never cheated physically or with a friendship with a man before.

I just want to run away when BH is angry and he gets so scary if I bring up any of my concerns.
Also unpredictable, sometimes open but other times blames me for everything. BH is slowly returning to criticizing and lecturing me at every turn and I can't take it. How can I get out of this dynamic for the sake of both of us, even while BH is sinking back to old habits

Yet you did cheat. So that is an indicator that you have poor boundaries and it needs to be addressed.


If he won't do something about his anger, you should plan to separate. What happens when you bring up your concerns? Can you give an example of what you said and his reaction?

Will he come here and speak to us?