I understand this thought, which is why I have left him alone with the girls from time to time. But it wasn't under the guise of exposure therapy. My fear with exposure therapy is:

1. I'm not sure if I'm qualified to participate in exposure therapy as my understanding is that this needs to be led by a licensed therapist. Currently, my husband's therapist is not advocating exposure therapy for my husband.

2. I am still wary of exposure therapy with our kids because I fear his anxiety--as a direct result of interacting with them--could have a negative psychological impact on them. Granted, it still happens (I do leave them with him), but it weighs on me.

If I were you, I'd look around for another therapist. I'd start with Dr. Harley, and get your husband to talk to him. Then find a therapist who will help him through exposure therapy.

This is your own anxiety talking to you, and it is understandable. I empathize. But, the best time for your husband to go through exposure therapy is when your daughters are so young they will not remember when Daddy was so anxious around them.

1. I will definitely talk with Dr. H about this--right now my husband's therapists works on relaxation/breathing techniques, but without any additional exposure.

2. Good point--my fear about my kids feeling guilty about DH's anxiety is definitely MY anxiety. The faster my DH can tackle this, the better it will be for the entire family.

Is there a plan for exposure in the future after the relaxation techniques are mastered? I'd be very concern if there wasn't.

WLL, you said:

"2. I oscillate between trying to be calm,caring and listening when he's struggling with anxiety (more like SugarCane's/LivingWell's suggestions) to being completely detached when he's having an episode of anxiety so that he is forced to calm himself (more like DidntQuit's suggestion). I'm not the coddling type by nature,so it feels healthier for me to detach,but DH feels much more supported when I listen and am supportive. My fear is that talking about his "bad thoughts" is part of his compulsion,so I've worried that being supportive is not supportive of my DH,but supportive of his OCD. This is why I need Dr. H's help--I need to figure out what is best for my DH and do that regardless of how I feel about it. I definitely need to stop DJing when he tics, that is wrong."

This IS the challenge. My husband deals with anxiety and OCD as well. It is probably good that you are "detachable". I have had counsel from Dr. Harley about this.

Most disorders can be broken down into instincts, behaviors and habits. So MB concepts DO work. But it takes more effort and understanding on both of your parts.

Remember that need meeting should be done in a way that you are enthusiastic about.

Also, it would be good for your husband to leave when he is anxiety-outbursting. That will become "learned behavior to your children over time. They may be pre-disposed, and seeing you both handle this productively with Dr. Harley's help will give them great tools for their future.

I very much agree with this.

I will ask my husband about this.

I agree with this, too. I really want for our children to see us handling this in a healthy way. I don't want my husband to feel shame, I want for him to feel empowered to control his OCD.

I also agree with the rest of your post, DidntQuit--we both need to enthusiastically agree. Did this come easy for you and your husband?

NO.

Wish we had known about MB long before bad instintual behaviors got out of control.

I really think you need to be kept in the loop on what his therapist is planning for him.

Agreed--this is my fault because I've been lax about getting involved in his treatment. It would probably be helpful for me to join him in some of his sessions. Ideally, I would love to work with Dr. H since I would like to work through this using MB principles.

You're on the right path contacting Dr. Harley.

Wanted to update this thread because I heard back from Dr. H this morning. This is an excerpt of his reply:

"In my book, He Wins, She Wins, I discuss how important it is for a person with an emotional disorder to take responsibility for it. It should not be up to the spouse to �cure� her mate. Emotional disorders left untreated makes it impossible to meet emotional needs or follow the Policy of Joint Agreement when making joint decisions. It also greatly limits the possibilities that are acceptable.

To summarize, it�s up to your husband to handle the problem, and he should tell you daily how grateful he is to you for your patience."

The last paragraph made me chuckle a little because I'm constantly wishing I had MORE patience when frustrated with husband's OCD.

He also noted that wives have a much more difficult time when their husbands have OCD--the husbands often don't understand why their wives are irritated.

Talked with husband about his treatment this weekend and we both agreed that he should likely find another therapist as his therapist can't prescribe medication and seems too busy to see husband as often as he should.

Because I feel that H should be taking care of this on his own, I'm hoping he follows through and does this, but with everything going on right now I can EASILY see this taking a back seat until I remind (read: nag) him. But I'll give him some time to take action before bringing it up again.

Bring it upon a regular basis until it is resolved. Keep it on the front burner.

Would you consider posting his whole reply? Is there something confidential that you do not want to share here?

I wouldn't give him too much time. As my wife suggested (in Dr. Harley's own words): keep it on the front burner. Bringing it up frequently (daily or so) is a good way to send the message that you are serious about needing him to overcome this.

I would give it 3 days then ask again how his search for a new therapist is going. If you give more than 3 days, it seems like it is not that important to you. (3 d says is also the length of time I use for business situations.)

Less than 3 days is fine too.

No problem posting his entire reply--here it is in full:

Hi [my name],

OCD is definitely one of the emotional disorders of husbands that wives find difficult, if not impossible, to tolerate. But when wives have the disorder, husbands seem to adjust much better to it. So men with OCD usually don�t understand why their wives are having so much trouble with them.

Most husbands who are doing a good job overcoming the symptoms use a combination of medication, such as Prozac, and behavior therapy. Minor tranquilizers, such as Xanax, are to be taken when the husband is having a panic attack, or is overwhelmed by some unforeseen event. Since most men with OCD don�t like taking any medication, it�s usually a trick to get them to take it long enough to find a successful dosage level for their physiology.

In my book, He Wins, She Wins, I discuss how important it is for a person with an emotional disorder to take responsibility for it. It should not be up to the spouse to �cure� her mate. Emotional disorders left untreated makes it impossible to meet emotional needs or follow the Policy of Joint Agreement when making joint decisions. It also greatly limits the possibilities that are acceptable.

To summarize, it�s up to your husband to handle the problem, and he should tell you daily how grateful he is to you for your patience.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley
--------------------------------------

Thanks for the advice regarding his therapy and keeping it on the front-burner. That makes sense, I can certainly bring it up every other day until it's done. The last psychiatrist my husband saw was not great (this was last year--he was seeing both this psychiatrist as well as the psychologist he's currently seeing), so I'm afraid the last bad experience will leave him less motivated.

I haven't replied to Dr. H, but was thinking of asking him for an resources for finding a psychiatrist that specializes in OCD. Wondering if this is too much "help" for my husband...should he be doing this on his own?

Hi lovely marriage builders,

I'm stuck. It's now over a year later and OCD is still an issue in our marriage.

I kept it on the front-burner and there were times when DH seemed better (working on it on his own). But I'm afraid I went about it in the wrong way...making him feel worse about it instead of being supportive. Basically DJing

I haven't kept my side of the street clean--definitely some AOs and DJs in moments of frustration. DH told me last week that he's on the verge of wanting a divorce because he feels I'm obnoxious and nothing will change. I brought up his OCD and he told me that he does not mind his OCD and he's already gone to see multiple therapists because I've asked him to, so in his mind he's done with therapy.

I feel stuck. On one hand, if he refuses to address this, I don't see how we can ever have a healthy marriage and I'm ready to throw in the towel. On the other hand, if I were a better wife, he would likely be more willing to change. Right now he sees no advantage because I'm still making mistakes.

Do I cut my losses and separate? Do I do a better job of cleaning up my side of the street in effort to give it my all? I feel like I've been talking about MB off and on for the past couple of years, but I clearly haven't sold him on it since I can't seem to do a good job of fixing myself, so I doubt he's itching to sign up for the online course. I'm at a loss since I don't want to fail at this, but I can't seem to do it on my own.

EDIT: I should add that DH stopped seeing his therapist last fall. I believe it started as a scheduling conflict, but ultimately my husband wasn't seeing any benefit--pretty typical for him.