Hi

After finding out about a recent affair my husband had I stumbled upon this site. This is not his first affair but the previous ones (two) were swept under the carpet rather than being dealt with. Both of us are committed to fixing our marriage and we have just finished reading the book His Needs Her Needs. We have both found the book incredibly inciteful and it has reinforced our view that we put very little effort into our marriage and each other and it was almost inevitable that it would result in an affair.

We have started to think about our emotional needs but I am confused by mine! I have always had a low sex drive and accept that sex is an expression of my emotional connection to my husband but I am not sure how to get that connection back. I feel uncomfortable with affection (not just from him, I am not touchy/feely with anyone, even at the start of our relationship). In my head I love the idea of romantic gestures, hugs, kisses and even sex but in the real world I am very closed off. If I could live in a Disney film I would be ok. But on earth I am boring and practical (as my parents were and are!). Do I just need to think of other ways for him to show me affection or should I just go with it and try and become the affectionate person I seem to want(?) to be even if it feels awkward?

This is a difficult thing to do when I am still trying to subdue the feelings of discovering his affair

Thanks.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That should be your first read after an affair. HNHN is great but will take you down the wrong initial path without SAA.

Have you watched the video "how to survive infidelity?"
How long ago was the affair? Does he still have an avenue of contact, including electronic with these other women (OW)?

Affairs are not the result of needs not being met. Many people are in marraiges where their needs are not met yet they do not have affairs.

Affairs are the result of a lack of boundaries around the opposite sex. Obviously your WH has had very poor boundaries in the past since he has had multiple affairs. What kind of extraordinary precautions have you put into place to change that and protect yourself from another one?

Recovering from an affair is a twofold process. First, you need to make sure the affair (affairs in this case) are completely ended and there is no contact with the affair partners for life, while putting EP's into place to protect your marraige from another affair. Second, to create a better marriage than you have ever had. It seems that you are doing the second step while skipping the first, and that is a recipe for disaster.

Who is the OW? How did he facilitate his affair? Have all these avenues been closed? Who did you expose the affair to?

The problem is that you have fallen out of love. It takes 20-25+ hours per week of undivided attention per week to fall in love and 15 hours per week to maintain. Women who are in love enjoy making love to their husbands. If you follow this rule, you won't feel closed off anymore.

Brainhurts and unwritten are correct: you should be reading Surviving an Affair, not His Needs, Her Needs. The reason your husband has afffairs is because he has poor boundaries around women. You could meet his needs 1000% but he will still have affairs if he has poor boundaries.

Thanks all for the advice.

My husband told me about both affairs (one was a one night stand with a girl from out of town, the other went on for a few months) after they had finished. He got rid of his mobile phone (still has to have one for work), and deleted his FB account. She lives up the road so we can't help but see her occasionally and she goes out of her way to make us both feel uncomfortable (although this has lessened over the last month). Our house is on the market and we are moving out of town. My husband has also agreed to see a councillor about his attitude towards women/sex/self control/self esteem etc. I have only spoken to two friends about it.

I will read the book as you suggested. Onwards and upwards. X

Can you rent out the house and move?

Is the OW married? Who did you. Expose to in OW's side?

Have you told your children?

The OW is not married but she has two kids from her previous marriage . My children are 3 and 5 years so I am not planning on telling them anything. She has told her friends so as expected it has filtered round the town a bit. My husband has spoken to two friends about what he did. The OW (and the separate one night stand) has contacted me via FB with all the crude details (which match up with what my husband has told me) but apart from replying with a "yes I do know all of this" I have ignored her as best I can.

Then you are not following Dr. Harley's plan.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Ask the moderators to move your thread to Surviving An Affair. You are not in recovery.

You also need to move asap. You can not be that close to this woman. The affair is only over when they have no contact.

Linda, I would stay focused on changing his lifestyle so he doesn't have a chance to cheat. Going to counseling will be a distraction at a very vulnerable time in your marriage. If you affair proof your marriage using the checklist, the problem will be solved.

Thanks again everyone. I have watched the video recommend, ordered the book and we accepted an offer on our house today. I will ask the moderators to move my post. X