Your wife is picking up on behavior you are not. You need to listen to her and respect what she is saying. You may need to change jobs to remove all contact with this woman.

Shere- i hope you are still here and will start your own thread so we can hear your side.

This website is actually designed to prevent people from developing relationships. Private messages and emails are disabled.

According to the books after an affair you should set one day aside to ask questions about it and then not mention it again. But Shere-ling has been asking about it for eight weeks and has been abusive, including physical. She says she will not forgive me until I confess. She still asks whether the affair was physical.

Our management has said that Yau and I can have no contact at work. They also said this restriction on contact will stop if Shere-Ling and I divorce, which she interprets as encouraging divorce.

But in my opinion this was not an affair but just a co-worker relation. Below is an edited email.

Dear Yau,

Greetings! I am very glad for you that you have a clear head now knowing that the most important thing in your life is your family and your family only.

Please stop sharing your personal problems with other woman such as Beng and your husband with my husband which you have done in email form and personal conversation during work hours, some even used office equipment. Some of your behaviors according to what Jeff told me actually have violated what you had stated in your email enclosed at the bottom of this email. Your own emotional needs you need to find fulfillment from your own husband but not Jeff. This is my friendly reminder to you for if you do it again I will have to tell your husband all the emails you wrote to Jeff so that he knows that you need him and he would spend more time with you in supporting you and meeting your needs.

Jeff told me that you felt sorry for what you did on September 2nd and asked for my forgiveness. Therefore I suggested to Jeff that we pay you a friendly visit yesterday in very good intention for reconciliation.

***EDIT***
Once again I hope you are a wonderful lady of your words who has clear head in keeping your own words. Please also know that I care about you very much and prayed with a friend of yours last night, asking God to bless your family life, especially you have ample time with your husband in good communication and loving support of each other.

In Christ with LOVE,
Shere-Ling


Jeff, I am friendly to remind her and even you not to stop at my restaurant, it is a business not a place that I have to deal with your family's problems. I have customers there and if she does anything inappropriate, I will end up calling the police on her which I do not choose to but I have no choice if she keeps bothering me. I hope she understands the consequences of her actions and stop it now before too late. Please let her know about this as soon as possible.

I would like to ask you not to send her any information about me and my family since she has been creating so many problems to our family, She does not need to know anything about me and my family, and she does not need to know my restaurant address, phone, website......

Jeff, I don't want to hear anything about Shere-Ling and you at work any more. It is not my business, and I do not need to involve in your family's problem. I come here to work and go home to enjoy with my family, which is what I am enjoying the most and the most important to me.

Yau


Jeff, I submitted a JIRA ticket to unlock my PFNPRD oracle password or reset the password, I have not heard anything that it has done. It has been few weeks now. Can you look into it?

I hope everything ok at work and at home for you. If Shere-Ling is going to read your e-mails, please be careful about e-mail me. I really don�t want to create other problems for your family any more. I don�t want Shere-Ling to worry and give you hard time at home. We are only co-workers and I want her to understand this.

Yau

why are you still talking to this woman? STOP.

When you agreed to keep secrets from your wife, you crossed the line. Stop defending this.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to get away from this woman. Move, change jobs, change emails and phone numbers, whatever you need to do to eliminate this woman from your life.

BTW, your wife sent that woman a very pleasant email.

Here's the EP list from SAA... even if it was not yet an affair, your secret friendship with this woman was on its way to one. Following the EPs on the list may restore your wife's faith in you.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

From his wife -
Unfortunetely Jeff believes his management had no right to stop their interaction during office hours and ban him from giving his parking spot for her usage as he pays for it. Ofcause he blamed me for all the problems as I went to the office to check out what was going on and then asked him to tell that lady not to bring him lunch in a conference room.

After I got STALKING warning paper because of her reporting on 10/18, and his management's formal guideline to them both, Jeff sent that woman two emails warnign her of someone was watching her and had reported to the management. A week or so ago, he sent another email to a distant friend that he appreciated that woman's cooking a noodle dish for him very much and asked invited that man to eat there. That email was marked before 8 am. That afternoon he told me that he loved me. Those are all very confusing messages to me and in his heart perhapes. He could never clearly told me that that woman's report to police about me right between 10/17 and 10/18 which had caused the banning of their interations, but not me. Why did he blame on me and the management?

From his wife -

He argued with me on many accounts that they were just friends and she said that he has right to make friends with whomever he pleases and I have no right to stop them. He drove me nuts by all his sayings, as it seems to me that whatever he says is right! To me he is very controlling and manipulative. I admit that I lost control of my emotion from time to time when facing the saga. I asked to go somewhere for my quietness but he was affraid that I might go somewhere to meet my boyfriend. Could it be that he just project his own behavior onto me?

Could you post these in your thread (and any other thought you have)? It helps us keep track of you stick to your thread and it usually prevents arguments.

From his wife -

Yes, he attended to all lunch events she invited him after she and I had some very bad exchanges. You know she reported me to the police. His very actions indicated that he would prepher her more than me, very disrespectful to me, his wife. And that gave her a lot of power - if you, my husband, don't even respect your wife, why should she?

His argument is that not all couple shared all things with each other. That woman might not know that I told him the police incidence. Again, I feel it is very hard to live with him as it seems to me he always has his reasons and my feelings is not important to him.

I will try my best. Sorry about this as I thought the original text is right here and would be easier for you people to view my reply.

I married **edit** because we both worked in IT and had similar income. When she was working her income was higher than mine. Then she decided to retire at age 48 and we relied on just my income. I was opposed to her retiring but we agreed that I would manage our finances and she would get my permission before optional purchases.

Then her friends told her that half the money I make is hers and she says to me who am I to control her spending. We were going to take a train trip together but **edit** decides to spend money to fly to California to visit her school friends.

After talking to a friend at church about her hobby flying she then decides to sign-up for flight school despite my opposition. I went to the airport to express my opposition and she calls the police on me because I have no right to control her.

The feeling is the same from my husband towards her. He once said that he is interested in her. Then changed his saying to "interestred in her as a friend." The problem now is not she won't cut off her feelings to him. It is his problem as he won't want to cut off his feelings and contact with her. On three occassions he sent her emails after that woman called the poice the second time between 10/17 to 10/18 on me.

My hasbuand has problem confesses his wrong doing, it seems to me that he always thinks that someonelse is at fault.

Corky,

Dr. Harley wrote an article that sheds light on situations like yours. Can you please read it and let us know your thoughts?

Here: Are Friends a Threat to Your Marriage?

Have you noticed that your opinion above does not help your wife to recover from your inappropriate relationships with other women?

Your wife needs you to be radically honest with her about your interactions with those women. Even if you think your behaviors shouldn't hurt your wife, they still do.

So how can you help your wife to have hope for the future?

1. Tell your wife about anything you said to or did with other women that you are afraid to tell her because it would upset her. (since married) Do this in writing if necessary.

2. Tell your wife about the most recent contact you had with each woman mentioned above. Do this in writing if necessary.

3. Answer truthfully any followup questions from her.

4. Agree to take a polygraph test if necessary to give her comfort that you are being truthful.

5. Agree to implement the checklist from Surviving An Affair, and take extraordinary precautions to give your wife peace of mind and prevent personal relationships with other women.

There was little intimate conversation between my co-worker and I. We mostly talked about work and mutual friends. She also talked about her restaurant. The most intimate conversation we had was she asked what my wife was doing for work and I said that she was working part time as an interpreter. I asked if her husband had the same job and she said that he did. She did express disappointment that he did not advance his career and wished her husband supported her financially in the manner I supported my wife.

My wife said that just by listening I was too supportive. She thinks that this was an indirect way of her saying that she wanted me to replace her husband.

There was no other discussion of personal problems or sharing of feelings.

I do feel my wife does not love me and her life is independent of mine. She says that I am boring.

We do have complete transparency and can see each others emails. But she cannot see my work emails as that is against the law as I work for a state agency. But now she complains that I monitor her too much.

My wife has said that she intends to torture me until I file for divorce. She also said that since I am her husband she does not need to treat me decently.

My wife has been making massive love bank withdrawals. Constant threats of divorce, insisting I must confess to a sexual affair. Angry outbursts including physical assaults. She has been interrogating me about this alleged affair for eight weeks with no end in sight.

She did express disappointment that he did not advance his career and wished her husband supported her financially in the manner I supported my wife.<--this is a personal problem.

You have poor boundaries with women.

At the time we got married my salary was 1.5 times of his. At one point my salary was two times of his. Then I switched into doing campus ministry using my MDiv with his support as he said if I could bring in a couple hundred dollars a month that will be fine.

Unfortunately last 2 to 3 years he changed his value. Plus his brother-in-law reminded him that he's a master of the household since he makes the money. Sure enough at the end of 2014 he made that woman who is doing IT fulfill his dream of a wonderful wife, and he started interested in her. He told me at one point last two months that they saw each other once a month and then about June she moved down to his area, so they saw each other every day. His best friend at work Doug also told me he chased after Yau, took her to lunch once a week and brought gifts for her, not hold lot of
Money's but certainly some. Moreover, my husband told me that he just needed to see her every day right after he returned back to work on October 10. That's why after five weeks of suspension he was very eager to see her lovely face, lovely body, lovely money she makes again. Please let me know with such a depleted love bank marked my name due to my work situation, where will the love come from? I think that would come from a wealthy women dropping a lot of money into his love bucket. Should I wish him luck? Sadly I ask myself!

Sorry the above is from me, his wife.

At the time we got married my salary was 1.5 times of his. At one point my salary was two times of his. Then I switched into doing campus ministry using my MDiv with his support as he said if I could bring in a couple hundred dollars a month that will be fine.

Unfortunately last 2 to 3 years he changed his value. Plus his brother-in-law reminded him that he's a master of the household since he makes the money. Sure enough at the end of 2014 he made that woman who is doing IT fulfill his dream of a wonderful wife, and he started interested in her. He told me at one point last two months that they saw each other once a month and then about June she moved down to his area, so they saw each other every day. His best friend at work Doug also told me he chased after Yau, took her to lunch once a week and brought gifts for her, not hold lot of
Money's but certainly some. Moreover, my husband told me that he just needed to see her every day right after he returned back to work on October 10. That's why after five weeks of suspension he was very eager to see her lovely face, lovely body, lovely money she makes again. Please let me know with such a depleted love bank marked my name due to my work situation, where will the love come from? I think that would come from a wealthy women dropping a lot of money into his love bucket. Should I wish him luck? Sadly I ask myself!