Unfortunetely Jeff believes his management had no right to stop their interaction during office hours and ban him from giving his parking spot for her usage as he pays for it. Ofcause he blamed me for all the problems as I went to the office to check out what was going on and then asked him to tell that lady not to bring him lunch in a conference room.

After I got STALKING warning paper because of her reporting on 10/18, and his management's formal guideline to them both, Corky63 sent that woman two emails warnign her of someone was watching her and had reported to the management. A week or so ago, he sent another email to a distant friend that he appreciated that woman's cooking a noodle dish for him very much and asked invited that man to eat there. That email was marked before 8 am. That afternoon he told me that he loved me. Those are all very confusing messages to me and in his heart perhapes. He could never clearly told me that that woman's report to police about me right between 10/17 and 10/18 which had caused the banning of their interations, but not me. Why did he blame on me and the management?

He argued with me on many accounts that they were just friends and she said that he has right to make friends with whomever he pleases and I have no right to stop them. He drove me nuts by all his sayings, as it seems to me that whatever he says is right! To me he is very controlling and manipulative. I admit that I lost control of my emotion from time to time when facing the saga. I asked to go somewhere for my quietness but he was affraid that I might go somewhere to meet my boyfriend. Could it be that he just project his own behavior onto me?

If I had better boundaries with women, what should I have done?

Never meet one-on-one with women and stopped meeting with her for lunch when she started sharing personal problems. Or stopped meeting with her when your wife expressed discomfort. Or Stopped meeting with her when she started doing you little favors. Any of these would be an appropriate boundary.

Now the only option is to find a job somewhere else.

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

why women leave men

basic Concepts

Is it also a problem if this sharing was in a group and not one-on-one?

Corky, Did you read those articles that Apples posted?

Sharing personal information under any condition can put you and your wife in a vulnerable position. So I would be extremely cautious from now on.

The real question is, does your wife see a problem with group sharing?

Why don't you email your wife and ask her this question?

Let her know that you intend to accept her response and intend to learn how to accommodate her feelings.

Can you do that?

I'm actually are very frustrated with my husband as he seems to think that
our relationship can just go as usual without him greatly apologize to me. If he won't give me all the assurance by doing things suggested this last few days by all moderators, I can't live with him anymore. He needs to take my concerns very seriously!

The issue is not if I want to keep this marriage, the issue is if he wants to keep this marriage he has to do his part as I am a victim of his affair. He has to be
very clear that I didn't cause his five weeks suspension. It is his co-worker lover did it to him resulting in suspension and monetary lost and did to
me by accusing me as a mentally illed wife, just because I politely had my husband told her "My wife doesn't want you to bring me lunch anymore."

Please advice me how I can survive this marriage without my husbands acknowledging he's affair and all the damages he and his lover have brought to
me.

You need to know that he has sided with her by announcing to me that I have mental illness on October 19 upon reading the police report, a day after I was served with Stalking warning paper.

Is divorce the best solution in this deadlock?

Yes, I have read the three articles.

My wife feels that since she is the victim that only I need to make changes. Yesterday she said that in order to prove that I love her I need to meet a demand.

I don't see her agreeing to the policy of joint agreement. I also want her to take anger management. Is this want a demand?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html

Are you going to end all contact with this woman and change jobs? Because the way you have behaved is abusive.

You need to study the materials here. you have been here for weeks but dont seem to know anything about the program.

When it comes to applying boundaries there is no negotiation, no POJA. A spouse has every right to ask their spouse to take action if it is in line with guidelines defined as a marital boundary. If you decline then we'd recommend she move to separate from your abuse.

Same applies to AOs. A spouse has every right to ask their spouse to take action to eliminate an anger issue. If declined then we'd recommend you move to separate.

A marriage cannot survive with poor boundaries and anger present. Regardless if you stay married each should work towards being better marriage material. Firm boundaries to protect their partner and eliminating anger to avoid hurting their partner.

You two need to stop arguing and bickering and get on with the MB program.

Your wife needs just compensation for your behavior towards her. It's going to be hard for you to ask anything of her until you clean up your side of the street. Be accountable and responsible for your part.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity.[1][2] Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

This is what you are doing to your wife. You and this creepy OW are tormenting your wife with your affair and then accusing her of being mentally ill when she calls you on it. No decent, caring husband would do the despicable things you have done to her.

I am catching up on this thread and am really shocked at how cruel and thoughtless you have been to your wife. Your affair with this woman and despicable treatment of your wife following her discovery have all but wrecked your marriage.

She is a victim and should separate from you until you leave this job and agree to never see or speak to this woman again. You can spin, lie and deny the nature of your relationship all you want, but what matters is that you KNOW how upset your wife is about this relationship. You have known it for years, yet you not only continued it, but you further abused her when she found out. You allowed this piece of crap OW to abuse your wife too so this was a double betrayal.

The fact that you have destroyed your marriage over this supposed "friendship with a coworker" indicates it is an affair. No man destroys his marriage over a "friendship" with a guy named JOE at work. Yet you destroyed yours over a "friendship" with some dirtbag.

So that is the first step. You need to find another job and get away from this woman. STOP tormenting and gaslighting your wife. You are not a safe person.

My wife does not want me to change jobs.

It needs to happen for the marriage to be saved.

Why? I have not seen her at work for the past three weeks.

If my wife insists I change jobs I would retire. We would then need to sell our home and move to an apartment. But she wants to keep her garden.

Or she could get a job to provide financial support if she wants to keep the house.

You need to read our posts and the articles rather than trying to argue.

I have read the articles. From the guidelines:


Why do you feel it is necessary?

Sorry, but you have to leave the job. You can't continue to work at the same place as the OW and recover your marriage.

Of course you CAN remain there but your marriage won't make it. As soon as your wife finds out you have resumed your affair - which you will - your marriage will end.