I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks, most of us know

As hard as it may be, try to remain composed when you exchange your son and don't give away the fact that you are having him spied on. The less he knows the easier it will be to get the evidence. Can you have someone else do the exchange today?

No, but I can act. I have been all this time. I don't know. I almost don't care at this point. I want to tell him that I know and tell him I am divorcing him. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. I should get hard evidence even if I choose to divorce him, right? I mean, how much more could it possibly hurt.

If you can get hard evidence it would be the best case scenario, even if you divorce.

For one reason, because even if you know he was having an affair, he will spin the story to others. The more evidence you have the less he will be able to do that. He will also spin the story to you and cause you to doubt your own sense of reality and question whether you are doing the right thing.

If you get the evidence, you will not need to decide right away about divorce. You can expose the affair wide and far and then go into a dark separation. You can decide to divorce at any time.

Yes, I just was talking to my sister and she said that if I have the hard evidence I will never have to doubt myself. I will know the truth. I will know I'm making a decision based on the truth and not assumptions, innuendo or imagination. I don't know. I am going to get an attorney this week and try to figure out what else I need to do to get my ducks in a row. That will give me something to do while I wait for more evidence.

April, you must stay committed to getting the evidence so you can kill this affair. Regardless of your choice, you don't want to have to deal with a wayward spouse in divorce proceedings. Just imagine how you will feel if you file for divorce and he suddenly "meets" a new woman [the suspected OW] and eases her into your child's life? Your child will have to accept this woman even though you suspect she is the homewrecker who ruined his parents family.

You have to find out the truth and get the evidence.

If you can get the truth, there is a strong chance you can save your marriage if you chose. Getting the truth gives you options. Not knowing leaves you groping around blindly in the dark.

Yes, I am going to get the proof. To be honest, I am afraid of exposing now. Especially before confronting him. I just don't know what I am getting myself into. At this point I don't know if I want to save our marriage. I want the truth, for sure, but if he wants to go and be with her and leave me - all I want is for him to know that *I* know the truth. After that I don't think I will have a problem telling my family and his family that we are divorcing because of his being unfaithful. I would have all her details, so they would know. I just don't know about leaving the door open to reconcile, or telling them I want to take him back and that I will forgive him if he ends it, because I don't know if that's true anymore. I also know I would probably want to let her BS know. Because I would want someone to tell me. I am waffling. I feel like once i have the truth, will I feel strong enough to expose them out of the blue without confronting him first? Will I be able to handle the wrath? The rejection and pain? (Trust me I know it's all there now, already, even in small doses, and he is already GONE, but still). It's a lot to deal with and I go back and forth about what to do, minute by minute. And I am suffering.

You won't have to deal with the fallout or wrath from him. You can expose and go immediately into Plan B where you have no contact with him, and you won't have to hear his tantrum.

There is no reason NOT to expose really, you are already separated and on the road to divorce. So what is there to be afraid of???

Why do you want to confront him? He already knows he is having an affair. And he already knows you suspect that. There is no reason to confront him about something he already knows. You exposing to everyone and going into Plan B WITHOUT first engaging in some emotional confrontation (and tipping him off) will send a very clear message that you are a strong woman and are not messing around.

Just get the evidence and do a full blown exposure, and then go directly into Plan B. While you are working to get the evidence, I would recommend you get your exposure list ready to go and also get your IM and Plan B set up.

You don't have to decide about this now. The Plan B letter and none of Dr Harley's advice suggests that you should 'forgive him if he ends it.' There is no such thing as forgiveness, and the process or getting you to leave a Plan B behind and reconcile is much more than just 'ending it.' He would need to agree to all of your conditions, and even then you are free to leave the marriage at any time. Following the plan gives you the MOST options.

Yes, everyone is "afraid" to expose so that is a natural reaction. However, it is the best thing and you just have to put your fears aside and do the right thing. Keeping his secret only serves to enable him and makes it much more difficult for you to ever deal with him because he will remain fogged out. Keeping the secret also gives him the opportunity to spin the story and tell lies about how your marriage ended. Believe me you don't even want to allow that to happen. His lies will effect you for years to come. Trust me on this.

Exposure is simply the absolute best thing that can happen to ALL CONCERNED. It is all upside with no downside becasue everyone benefits.

And you don't have to leave any door "open" but you can leave your options open. You can send him a Plan B letter and tell him to get in touch with you when he ends his affair. At that point you can decide. You don't need to decide now and you certainly don't need to decide when you don't have the facts.

I know you all are right. I am sure you are sick of repeating yourselves over and over. Today has been such an emotional rollercoaster. He came to pick up my son and told my son lies to his and to my face about why when my son tried to call him this morning he didn't answer. He's so out there he's willing to sacrifice time with and his relationship with his son. He's a complete stranger.

I've been alone the past few hours trying to get work done on my computer and I have been going through 5 minute spurts of crying on/off. This is so [censored] hard.

I will start making lists this week, and drafting letters. I can post them here for help? I just want to make sure what I am saying is true and effective and maybe leave out the stuff I am unsure about. But I will leave that to all your expertise.

If allowed to his own devices, he will tell your son lies about how your marriage ended. By not getting the truth out there, you allow your H to tell lies to everyone. One of the purposes of exposure is to prevent this. Believe me, you don't even want to be dealing with his lies for years to come.


I promise you wll feel better if you can get this wrapped up and go into Plan B. PLEASE be as aggressive as possible in getting the evidence.

Yes, I agree. I am trying to be as aggressive as I can. I can't afford to put the GPS on for too long because of how expensive it is, so I'm trying to strategic. So far I think they've been finding ways to somehow meet on the weekend. I don't know if they will repeat an over night, but that would be my best bet. I might also have the PI just go one day in the middle of the week to watch him after work again and see if she can get a video of him getting into her car and follow them. I can't imagine that FIRST day that she went there was the first and only time that happened.

I am printing off our bank statements, because he has been burning through gas like crazy. He's spent $250 in gas in the past 10 days alone. He's gotten gas every day for the past 3 days and that is not in any way usual. He's also gotten cash out a couple of times. I am compiling a folder of "evidence". I am writing down the times my sister and I drove by his friend's house and that he wasn't there. I have the phone records of their long convos printed out. I have the two days of VAR recordings, which I just listened to again and there is a very FAINT GPS instructions going in the background of one of the times he said he was just "driving around", and him laughing and being out of the car for a while. I want to listen to that again when my son is not around to see if I can hear the final destination on the navigation.

Melody, my sister is agreeing to be IM, how do I get her email to you?

Notify the MODS and they will pass your email address to her.

Has she already done this? I just looked on Amazon and it seems you can buy your own GPS tracking device for under $100. Looks like there may be a monthly fee in addition to the cost, but it's a lot less than $150 a day! Is there a reason why the PI needs to put it on and track it? Could you or family get it on the car and then you track it yourself?

Best of luck to you. I've been following your thread and I am very inspired by your strength.

I just exposed. He is still denying. Unbelievable.

What happened, April?