My wife slept with my best friend. This happened about 6 years ago while I was across the country for a new job and getting a house for us and our three kids. She beat around the bush for a while but I finally asked her directly what had happened she told me straight. That was the day after it happened.
I don't think I need to tell anyone here how that felt.
I understand how and why it happened, she was in emotional need, me gone, taking care of 3 kids alone and going to school, she was quite drunk, as was my friend.
At the time I had to make the decision on what was more important, my own anger and betrayal or the ten year marriage we shared. I chose the marriage. I spent hours on the phone with her that night talking and reassuring her that I was not going to leave and I understood what was happening, and had even had the urge to do the same. I really do feel if I had not done that she would have take her life because of how bad she felt.
Fast forward to now...
Our marriage has survived, it is however, not the marriage that we want. In an effort to identify other emotional needs for myself I discovered that I had never let myself do anything with this issue. After that phone call I went to sleep as best I could and went to work the next day, it was very much swept under the rug in my mind. This weekend it has resurfaced and I feel there is something I need to finish with it.
I feel I should get good and angry, not necessarily at her, I feel like I should be crying about it, something, something I did not do six years ago. My wife and I spoke about it together, she has a great deal of guilt, shame, self-loathing, and she does not entirely trust herself. For my part I trust her, and there is always a little nag in the back of my mind. Besides, he is still on the other side of the country.In that conversation I again chose the marriage over my own needs, I did however let her know I was not done and planned on working through the emotional pain.
I just don't know how.
I have considered talking about it point blank with my friend, but we have grown apart and talk very infrequently so I don't think there would be much to save there. I have considered yelling and screaming at her, but that would undermine the trust and security we have built our family on. I have thought about beating the crap out of some junk we have lying around in the back yard. This actually seems the best solution.
I am the type that keeps pretty tight control over my anger, I have been keeping a lid on this for so long I don't know how to take care of my needs.
And so it is explicitly stated, I am not interested in revenge, I have not slept with any other woman since our marriage and I intend to keep it that way. Although with the rockiness of our relationship lately I will confess to have considered it.
How do people channel their anger and frustration, and betrayal? I rarely feel the need to be violent, or aggressive, so this is kind of new ground for me.
Would you be willing to help?

It sounds like you've never recovered from her affair.

Was the other man married? Why would you stay friends with someone that was involved in trying to kill your marriage? Who was all told about her affair?

Your marriage never really recovered. Recovery, around here, means more than "we didn't divorce." It means that your marriage is better than it was BEFORE the affair. It means you are in love.

If you were in love with your wife, and she with you, you would find that your feelings of anger and resentment have faded. Still being resentful 6 years out is strong evidence that recovery has not happened.

The road to recovery is very narrow. Here is a checklist that will help us figure out what still needs to be done. Would you mind going over it and telling us what has been done, and what is left to do?

Your wife will also need to provide you with Just Compensation. This is what you will need from her in order to heal yourself and your marriage.

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

No, he was not married, but in a loose partnership. This was the closest I had to a brother, and in many ways we are no longer friends. My wife told me about the affair the day after it happened.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

__X___The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
She told me the day after, and it only happened once. This was the soonest she could tell me because of our schedules and the time difference from coast to coast.

__X___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
We were planning and have moved across the country. She does not contact him and in many ways has her own anger against him.

Sort ofThe unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
After speaking with me about it she spoke with my friend and both came to the conclusion that it was a mistake and they both regretted it.

__X___The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
Again, we are a country away from the OP.

__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
Her only contact would have been through facebook and I already have access to that account.

__X___Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
This was pretty standard for us before this happened, we were very open about where we were going and who we were going with.

__X___Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
We each have access to view each other's accounts. She is quick to tell me where money was spent and why.

__X___Spend leisure time together.
I don't think we have spend more that a work day apart since this happened.

__X___Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
This was already planned.

__X___Avoid overnight separation.
This has not happened since the move.

__X___Allow technical accountability.
She is always willing to tell me of anything I ask, we don't have to many secrets, and those that we do have are respected.

__X___Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
The day after she told me I confronted my friend. Our children don't know about it, but I do not think it is entirely appropriate for them to have details, all they know is something happened. The adults in the family know and all of us have spoken to each other about it.


Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
This has been done.

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
The conditions for this were pretty straight forward: She was alone with kids and in-laws, and going to school for months. I realize her emotional needs were not being met, unfortunately I was across the country getting our new home ready for her and the kids. She went for drinks with my friend for her birthday. These conditions would be difficult for us to reproduce at this point in our lives.

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
My wife and I are committed to our marriage and to each other. These concepts are the foundations of a healthy marriage, and many are the principles that guide our own marriage.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to make clear, I am not afraid of my wife re-offending, this is why I have not called her a Wayward Wife, or a cheater, or any number of harsh words I could use. By using these terms we create an image of the other person that fits an idea I am trying to work through, not wallow in. I am not angry at my wife, I am not really angry at my friend. I am angry at the situation. If your car breaks down you don't get angry at the car, you get angry that it broke down.

There is no doubt in my mind she regrets what she did, and even when she had the opportunity to do it again with another person she did not. I feel she has given me compensation, and has proven herself to be trustworthy and supportive. In many respects our marriage is healthy and vibrant.

What I have discovered in talking with her and on personal examination is that I have unresolved feelings about what happened. There is a subtle difference here, and one that often lost on others, I am not angry about what she did, or what he did, I am angry about what happened, just as I am angry that my car broke down. I don't blame my car for breaking, and I no longer blame my wife for this affair, particularly because it was only once. Yes, I was wronged, and betrayed, and it hurts unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have come to a point where my wife and my friend are no longer the target of my anger and pain. If it were different my marriage would be in far greater trouble.

So it comes back to what do I do for ME. I have spent years working with my wife on her own guilt and shame about this, and finally she seems to have come to a point where she can manage it without self harm, or abusing me or the children. In doing this I have postponed feeling anything about this. My marriage is again secure enough to allow me to vent all these feelings, but I don't know how.

This is what I have come to you asking:
How do I vent these emotions?

I think you should write to the radio program at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and let Dr. Harley address your problem directly.

That said, I think you are letting your Taker deceive you. It is clear that your Giver was in control at the time of discovery. But it is not true that you denied you emotional needs in staying with your marriage. In fact, you stayed with your marriage *because* it satisfied emotional needs to do so. You recovery has disappointed you because your Taker feels that you have not been rewarded sufficiently for your perceived sacrifices.

The solution to your problem does not lie in the proper channeling of your frustration and anger. Recovery occurs when a husband and wife learn how to fall in love again. It is an amazingly mechanical process. It can be successfully done even when both spouses don't initially even feel all that much like doing it. So, are you interested? We can guide you.

There is your problem right there. Do you not see it? You are addressing the need for a romantic relationship by saying that you are committed. That is an exhausted Giver speaking for you, there. Your Taker knows that commitment isn't enough to sustain the marriage. You need to be in love. That is what creating a romantic relationship is all about. The answer does not lie is strengthening your Giver so it can overcome your Taker by somehow suppressing your frustration. The answer is to satisfy your Taker, too. You do that by being in love. You need to build a romantic relationship with your wife.

The subtly of what you are saying is not lost on me.
Yet, it doesn't change anything I've said.
The reason you still have unresolved feelings over this is not because you don't know how to vent properly. It's because you haven't fully recovered from her affair. You are not in love with your wife. If you were, you would not have these unresolved feelings.

The resentment of the past fades when the feelings are overshadowed by a wonderful present. This is true whether you're angry at your wife, angry at the OM, or angry at the situation in general (it doesn't matter where your anger is directed).

Some questions:
3. Do YOU still have contact with the OM? I noticed you still call him "my friend," and "in many ways we are no longer friends." In what ways are you still friends?

2. You said "We don't have to many secrets, and those that we do have are respected." What secrets do you keep from each other?

3. Does she still drink? Do you?

4. How many hours a week do you get out of the house together on dates? Doing what? Is it enjoyable for both of you?

Hello, Tarrasque. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Actually it comes down to what she does for you. In the end she is going to change your feelings. But you may have to motivate her to do that.

Yes I do see it that is why I am here. I have not used the terms Taker and Giver, however I do realize over the past six years I have Given quite a bit in helping my wife with this. Now I am at the point where I need to Take, and I would like to ensure that I can meet the needs of the Taker without harming my family.
I know if I make demands from my wife she would acquiesce, from our conversations I have made clear I need something, and I am not clear on what I need. I am not trying to suppress my frustration, I am trying to see how to express it. All my life I have had tight control over my emotions, right now that control is not doing me much good. The result has been I have suppressed my Taker for years, and I am aware enough to know that continuing to do this would lead down a road I do not want to take.

Excellent questions.

***EDIT***
I find myself wanting to deny and refute you, to force you at gunpoint to take back your words.

And I don't think I have a good argument against what you have said. I have to admit I am not as satisfied with our relationship as I was before all this happened.
______________________________________________________________

3. Do YOU still have contact with the OM? I noticed you still call him "my friend," and "in many ways we are no longer friends." In what ways are you still friends?
Since moving here six years ago I have called him a handful of times. We are on speaking terms, and he enjoys hearing from me. We grew up together, I was a single child so he became my brother, and the uncle to my kids. I have not called him in nearly two years, and he does not call us. I guess I am still friends with the person I used to know, as the person he is right now is rather off-putting and not someone I would associate with. I have not given this much thought before you asked, and I am thinking that our friendship was over some time ago. Me contacting him feels forced, and I am never satisfied with our conversations. To be honest the guy has turned into a bit of a loser.

2. You said "We don't have to many secrets, and those that we do have are respected." What secrets do you keep from each other?
Her secrets are mostly dealing with an abusive upbringing. I can piece together most of it, and more comes out all the time. It is not something I would like to push her on. My own secrets would be specifics of my first time with another man and very over the top sexual fantasies she has asked me not to talk to her about.

3. Does she still drink? Do you?
No. Occasionally I will have wine, but it is when I am cooking with it. A bottle of wine at our house will last at least a month. A couple years ago we got a bunch of single serving drinks and played a drinking game with them. It did not go well. I think we both had some resentment that came out that night, but we were not able to deal with it being drunk.

4. How many hours a week do you get out of the house together on dates? Doing what? Is it enjoyable for both of you?
We try to get out at least a couple hours every weekend. A lot of times we will do our shopping together. When we feel we want a date usually it is going out to eat. Sometimes just driving around, or windows shopping for aquarium fish or going to thrift stores. Yeah, we actually do have fun doing these things. Sometimes we will find something on Craigslist that is way out of the way and then go for it. We have even done searches for things while driving and then getting making that stop part of our drive.

I don't know what to say. If I accept your guidance I will be acknowledging I am not in love with my wife. If it is OK with you I would like to come back to your offer tomorrow, it is a difficult thing to wrap my mind around.

Being in love is a feeling, not a decision. It arises from the strong mutual reinforcement that happens when spouses meet each other's most intimate emotional needs.

When you described your situation to us, you in essence told us that you are not in love. Don't get all hung up in the terminology. Nobody questions your strength of character, commitment, or resolve. What we are observing is that you are not feeling what you should be feeling. Feelings will follow actions. We can tell you what your actions should be. Follow the steps, and you and your wife will be inexorably drawn to each other. That is what being in love is all about. When you get to that point, the problem is solved.

OK, I am following you so far.
What do you need from me for us to continue?

Have you read the basic concepts of the MB program? If I were you, I would start there.

Recovery from an affair is a difficult road. The semantics of it doesn't really matter, whether you blame her or the situation doesn't really matter. What matters is that 6 years later you are still thinking about it and harboring resentment and anger. If you follow the program for recovery, this would not be the case and many of us can attest to that.

Protecting your marriage from another affair is step 1. Whether you blame her or not, understand how it can happen or not, is irrelevant. ALL of us are wired to have affairs under the right circumstances. Saying you trust her is foolish, not because she is some evil wayward minded wife, but because we ALL have the ability to have an affair so nobody should be given blind trust. You trusted her the first time and an affair happened, and the same thing could happen again. Protecting your marraige by setting up extraordinary precautions that would make an affair for either of you next to impossible is the solution, not blind trust.

Creating a great marriage where you are romantically in love is the second step. This program unlike any other can help you do that.

We need you to learn about the Marriage Builders programme, so that you can understand why you have been given the advice you have. You're debating that advice with us, and resisting it, but if you understood the basis of it, you would make much faster progress. Its logic is impeccable.

Please read this article: The Love Bank to begin to learn why we say you are not in love with your wife, but why we also say that romantic love is easily achievable if you both do the right things.

There are more articles to read about recovering from an affair, and certainly you should read Dr Harley's (and his daughter, Dr Chalmers') book, Surviving an Affair. Please order it now from the MB bookstore http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html, or you can download it from Amazon.

However, the above linked article deals with the immediate advice you have been given on this thread.

Also, you need to end all contact with OM forever. It sounds like YOU and not her are staying in contact with him, this has to stop. Every time you contact him, however infrequent, is a trigger to for both you and your wife. There is absolutely no good reason to keep in contact with him.

You need to stop being on "speaking terms." This man is more than "a bit of a loser," he destroyed your marriage. Cut him off completely. If you are friends on social media, unfriend him. If there are gifts he gave to you, and especially gave to her, get rid of them. Anything that brings him to mind will keep you triggered, and you will not be able to put the resentment behind you.

Do you have complete transparency with each other about your current life -- passwords are shared, etc?

Good. Keep the alcohol away.