Statistically and realistically, there is next to no chance this will ever happen. Relationships born from affairs are very unlikely to succeed, and even if they do, they are not happy 'perfect' relationships.

However YOU have followed a plan, and will continue to do so in a Plan B where you are protected from even hearing about what WW and OM are up to. YOU have every opportunity to have a great life, even without your WW. So stop focusing on what she may or may not do, and focus instead on what YOU can do to have a great life.

Thanks for all the encouraging words. It helps a lot.

Will it hurt anything if I talk to her tonight and remind her I still want to follow the plan for transparency and moving and reconciliation, even though I haven't mentioned it in the past 2 months? Then I can do a good plan A tuesday and maybe Wednesday and dissappear after that?

It will make me feel better to hear her say she isn't going to agree to transparency and to move before I leave. The good news is that she will probably lose the house after I leave. So if she does come back, we will have to move somewhere anyway.

Most of the time I feel like I don't want her back, but there is that small part of me that still wants my kids to be spared of the pain and have both parents. And I feel bad because we haven't fought or argued any the past 2 months. We've gotten along better than ever, but it's all been on my sacrifices.

She's going to be really mad when she finds out she has no money for shopping on black Friday because I am about to give it all to the lawyer.

The time for Plan A is done. You asked this back in August and you were told, no, it will be in your Plan B letter.

No more stalling.

What your kids need is a parent who is devoted to taking care of them vs devoted to having a death grip on a WW who is not interested in recovery.

I became a MUCH better mother when I let go of my ex WH. My children have thrived despite divorce and a wayward father.

Who cares If she is mad? You will be in Plan B and it's not your problem.

This IS Plan A. You sacrifice by filling needs without getting the same effort back. It is not sustainable, which is why it is not something you can stay in forever. Your WW has shown you multiple times that she is not interested in working a true recovery (or presumably even ending all contact with OM), which means you will continue in the status quo, with you sacrificing, indefinitely. It is time to move on to Plan B.

Part of Plan B is that you stop worrying(slash obsessing) about your WW.

There is absolutely no way to know what she will end up doing. But her life is NOT going to be easy, whether she goes with the OM or not.

I was in a FR for years with a WH who was not serious and I totally get where your mindset is at - you are soooo focused on how you can make this M work and how you can get your WS on board. A big part of the reason that I stick around MB despite being divorced is that I want to show people that you can be successful and happy even if the M doesn't work out by following MB.

(Using MelodyLane's words) trying to stay married to a WS is like hanging on to a dead, rotting corpse. It's time to let go. Once in Plan B (as long as you REALLY follow it), you will start to feel relief and each day you will find it easier and easier to focus on rebuilding a life for yourself and your children and less and less on your WW.

And in the case the your WW decides to get on board, your Plan B requirements will give you the best shot at R. So it's win-win.

Markos and I recently encouraged a man at our church to go to Plan B. He'd been at Plan A for awhile, and while he wasn't completely discouraged, it was beginning to wear on him visibly.

We saw him for that first time in weeks yesterday. You could tell from a distance that something was different. He looked ... lighter? Like a burden was gone. Happier. Peaceful. He had finally gone to Plan B. He says he's never been happier in his life.

Plan B will be good for you.

Thanks everyone. I'm ready.im going to take off of work Thursday and as soon as she gets to her job I will go back home and start gathering my things and bring it all to my parents.

Are you moving your children as well as yourself?

Did you ever expose to your 5yo?

Yes I am taking the kids with me, but only for a week and then she will have them a week, rotating.

I exposed to the 5 year old. He met OM before and knows who he is. When WW had started being nice to everyone for a week or so, my son actually said "mommy is being nice. Maybe she isn't talking to OM anymore."

I've been getting everything set up today. I took off work next tuesday which is the day both me and WW get paid, so that is the day I will leave.

What about the kids though? Isn't it wrong for me to take them without letting WW say goodbye? She will see them tuesday morning and then when she gets home from work and sees my note, she will realize she won't see them for a week.

Do I have to be so secretive? Can't I just text her at work that morning and tell her what I am doing. And then block her number on my phone after that? Why do I have to leave a note?

I feel bad. Even though she did the same thing to me a week before D-day.

It's driving me crazy. I was just feeling good about leaving. I tried to pat her on the back and she said stop. So it reinforced my decision. Then she was asking what size picture she should order to hang on the wall. The picture is our family portrait from Sunday.

Why would she be worried about putting up a family picture taken with someone she won't allow to touch her more than 2 seconds or reciprocate something simple like saying "I love you"?

Simple. She wants her family but isn't in love with you.

Your main concern is that she isn't interested in rekindling your love. That's why you're going to Plan B.

You need to start getting your head around not paying attention to what she's doing. When you go to Plan B you need to go dark so you can move on. For your sanity you will need to learn how to move on without her. Start a new life. Focus on those kids and yourself.

The ONLY way you don't stay dark is if she agrees to the terms outlined in your Plan B letter. She needs to agree to enter a program of recovery or you're moving on.

The part in Surviving an Affair that says I also send a letter to OM saying I will wait for WW--is that necessary? That feels somewhat emasculating. Like I am telling him, "ok, you win. But please let me know if you get tired of her so I can have the scraps."

You will never recover your marriage if you think of your wife as "scraps" because she had an affair. Yes, she did the most horrible thing one person can do to another, but no marriage recovers when the betrayed husband sees his wayward wife as scraps.

If that's what you see, it is better for you and your children if you just move on and not look back. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just moving on and being the best father you can be.

I don't see her as that, but I am afraid that is what OM will see it as. And it makes me mad that everytime I tried to confront him he hid from me like a coward, yet he still "wins".

Another question:

What is the difference in moving on and going to plan B? If I decide I don't want to save the marriage, shouldn't I still go into plan B just to have some peace and start to heal?

It's the same thing. If she agrees to EPs, you can consider trying again, but once you start Plan B the focus shifts to moving on without her. I started Plan B still hoping for recovery, but over time I realized I was better off without my XWW. There's always a chance as long as you leave the door open, but Plan B is a great way to begin your healing.

Finally made it to my last day at home before I leave tomorrow. I was worried about WW being suprised and furious and all thst.
But she texted me a while ago asking why do I want her and why do I love her. She hasn't asked that stuff in a long time. So she may be making her move with OM as we speak. Or just depressed. But I assume she has been talking to OM for weeks now and is planning on making some kind of change, either with me or with him. Unless she does it by tomorrow morning though, I won't be around to find out.