My WH and I have been married for over 16 years. He told me he wanted to separate in April 2016. He said that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that we don't have anything in common and he wanted to explore other opportunities before we get too old to make new lives for ourselves. He was 19 when we married (I was 24 and pregnant) and had never had a girlfriend before me. We were very in love though he doesn't seem to remember. He said that he has never been able to get over the idea that there could be someone out there who he is better suited to.
I told him that I believed we could have an amazing marriage if we both were prepared to make changes. He disagreed and stated he wanted to be free. I also said that as this was his choice and not what I wanted, he had the responsibility of telling the children (16 and 13) and other family members. He didn't want to tell them because he didn't want to hurt everyone and never wants to look like the bad guy.
So he stayed. He is in the U.K. Army and was posted to a new unit about an hour away from home in May (previous post was hour away too, both commutable). They provided him with a flat for when he works late. He used it increasingly but said he hated being away from me and children. In the summer he had to be away a lot with work and he decided he would tell the children before they went back to school (which is in Sept in U.K.) He chickened out. I said that if he was staying for their sakes he needed to try again with me. He agreed that he did love me and hates when we are apart. So we began spending lots of time together, me avoiding love busters and trying to fulfill his emotional needs (a bit like Plan A). He was very attentive and only stayed in the work flat once a week.
At the end of Oct he went away for 3 nights and a week later came back from some training and told the children he was leaving me (5 Nov). They are devastated as am I. He went to live in the flat.
Last Saturday he came round to see the children and I spoke to him. He admitted to having feelings for someone at work, that he had been doing a sport challenge with just her at the end of Oct but he said that nothing had happened apart from a kiss and having dinners together. She is being cautious with him and doesn't know that he drinks excessively and smokes (she seems very straight laced and probably wouldn't like this about him). He said that she is going to the other side of the world to be with her boyfriend for 3 months to see if she wants to make it work. He also said that he still wanted to be separated so that he could basically do what he wants. Before he left, I asked him to do the Emotional needs questionnaire, which he said he would. He kept wanting to give me a hug, which I resisted until he left, when we hugged but wish I hadn't.
I found out about excessive spending, that he was with just her on the sport weekend at the end of Oct, that he has been to strip clubs etc and have asked him about them since April when I started finding out about them. He has lied about everything until I've told him I have proof, only then does he admit things.
I have told the children, his parents, my parents, my brother, his best man and several of my friends everything. I am cautious of exposure at his work because he could be disciplined and lose his job (he is the only earner) and the same to her friends.
On Tuesday (2days ago) he tells me he understands why I told everyone everything and that he feels really exposed. He said he is living in hell and thinks he has made yet another bad decision. He asked if he could drop off the completed questionnaire to me. And would I go to marriage counselling with him? I said I would but that this wouldn't be easy for him. That I didn't want our children growing up thinking this was the way to behave or let someone get away with very bad behaviour towards them. And that living under a cloud of lies has been awful and I'm not prepared to do that ever again.
I believe in Jesus' restorative power and am willing to do what it takes to save my marriage. I'm not sure what WH thinks about God right now, he has been pretty negative towards church for a couple of years and stopped going in Feb. I'm not sure if he has ever truly accepted the gift of grace.
WH may be suffering from PTSD, depression and alcoholism. I also think he may be in withdrawal from OW.
I want counselling to be through MB. (I have read through the precepts and lots of other things on the website. I have his needs her needs and fall in love stay in love, which I am reading.) I don't know if we can afford it (because he has spent most of our savings on drunken experiences... I am so angry!) and how to go about it because we are in the uk.
Please help me make a plan... and thank you for giving me hope that my life and marriage could maybe have some joy in it once again.
PS he just messaged me to ask if I would meet him this evening... I said I'd think about it.

Welcome to MB.

It sounds like your WH has been in an affair for much longer than you think, either with this OW or with others. I don't believe for a second that they have just kissed and gone to dinner, I believe the affair is probably much more entrenched than that. What kind of snooping have you done to find out exactly what is going on?

What have you exposed exactly? Have you told your friends and family that he is having an affair?

One of the greatest problems I see with your exposure, is that you are refusing to expose to his workplace and to OW's family and friends. Since this is a workplace affair, he will have to leave this job in order for your marriage to survive. This job is very destructive to your marriage already, since it has you living in two different locations. This situation has made your very susceptible to affairs and secret second lives, which you are witnessing. So you see, this job needs to go. You absolutely need to expose to his and her employer. If they get fired that is going to be a good thing for your marriage. Not exposing is choosing the job over your marriage.

Talking about filling EN's or the MB program with him right now is not going to work, so I would just stop doing that. You have to kill his affair first and make his SSL impossible before you can work on having a great marriage. Doing a thorough exposure, including (and most importantly) to the workplace, and also to OW's friends and family, is the first and most important step to doing this.

Once you have thoroughly exposed, I would demand that he end his affair and quit his job. If he refuses to do this you need to plan to separate. Dr Harley only advises women to be in Plan A for 3 weeks, and it seems you have been plan Aing for most of this year. This will cause you emotional and physical problems over time, if it hasn't already. If he refuses to end the affair or create a marriage that is not open to affairs, you need to separate from him completely. Are you prepared to do this? We call this Plan B, I would advise you to read up on Plan B.

He has only known the other woman since May (which is after he told me he wanted to separate.) But yes, I do think he has been having at least an EA, and probably physical. Everyone I mentioned above knows about the A and about the spending.
OW has gone abroad for 3 months.
'Plan A' was only the first 3 weeks of October. He hasn't been around much other than then. Which is when I was snooping. Took photos of his phone - contacts, messages, no photos or non-work messages between them. Not much to report. He is in the army and knows how to cover stuff up. Probably only talks on the work phone and sees her in person when she was going into work (she's part time). Now she's away I can't even follow them, would have been difficult though cos I don't know exactly where she lives, it's nearly 2hrs from my house.
As for other affairs, he had an EA which led to a one night stand about 7years into marriage, I dreamt it was happening and confronted him the next day. He admitted it, left that job and joined the army. When we had been married 2years, he left me for a month, had a one night stand (which I dreamt was happening) and never saw her again after I confronted him. He signed on with a dating website this summer when he thought he was going to leave me and then unsubscribed when I saw it on the bank statement and I asked him to unsubscribe.
He is very insecure about himself and does not make friends easily (that's why me telling his friends has been such a shock to him). He does stupid stuff when drunk (spending money on things he shouldn't). But is never abusive.
He can't quit his job (you have to pay your way out of the army in the U.K.) but I was going to insist that he requests a posting near to home. I have this 3 month window while she is away to try and make this happen. This is my plan so far...
1. Not let him move back in (how long for?)
2. Get him to write the letter saying it's over to the OW
3. Insist he stops drinking and smoking.
4. Ask him to agree to and sign the Honesty policy and PJA etc

We are already separated, he lives an hour away. I can just drop the kids off at designated place and pick them up later for dad dates, so he doesn't need to see me. I've read plan B several times and am prepared to do it but don't know how as he has already left. I can't just save up money to do it, it's already happening. But he has said on numerous occasions that he will always look after me and the kids financially. I asked for his wedding ring and the credit card when he left, which he gave me. Should I give him the ring back if he requests it? How can I improve the plan?

He phoned me today to say he's booked 2 appointments with a marriage counsellor (who our best friends saw when they were having trouble). He said he is sorry and knows that he should never have left me or said hurtful things to me. I think I should give him the ultimatum as soon as possible.... that he has to do whatever it takes to win me back (the MB way), or he can't come home and we'll get legally separated.

Welcome to MB, from one UK resident to another. I'm sorry to hear about the problems in your marriage.

There are a number of issues here: his alcoholism; his affair, which you need to know has been fully sexual; his wish to live as a single man - in which case, what does he want from you? Why is he asking to go to marriage counselling? Does he want to work at reconciliation?; the need for him and OW never to work together again, if you are to attempt reconciliation; your desire to do MB coaching from the UK.

His alcoholism is an overarching problem. You cannot recover this marriage, and should not attempt to do so, until your husband has been dry and attending AA for some months.

He is lying about not having had intercourse during his affair, and if he is to reconcile with you, he needs to admit the truth, and give you full details of how long this affair has existed, and how and where the pair were able to meet. How did you not know when he was with her? Where did they spend their time?

If your husband wants to reconcile (and I'm puzzled at his saying he wants to live separately, but wants you to go to counselling- how does that make sense? Is that simply drunk talk?)...he needs to never work with that woman again. If you can prove that she is leaving the job shortly to go across the world, and if you know she will never come back, he could stay in that job - as long as he allows you to see his workplace communications, so that you know they are no longer in contact. But even if she does leave, how can you know she will never go back? The only real solution is for him to prepare now to leave that job, which would be the best way of getting a new start anyway - and he would have a few months to find another, if she is travelling soon. This is all presuming that he wants to go back to you, and is dry.

Is he still saying that he wants to live separately? If so, grant him his wish and stop fighting for the marriage, and stop listening to any more of his crap about how he has made mistakes and wants to go to counselling. It's marriage or nothing. You are not his therapist or his mother. If he wants to cry about his lousy life, he can do it to someone else. It sounds as if he needs to see his GP about his depression - but make sure he tells him or her about his self-medication with alcohol, also.

We can talk about Plan B when we know more about his stance on living alone, his willingness to go to AA, and his willingness to leave the job.

If he wants to go back to you, will admit the extent of the affair, will go to AA and be dry for at least 3 months, will leave his job and all the rest of it, you can do the Marriage Builders phone coaching from the UK; you just need to agree a suitable time when either Steve or Jennifer Harley - Dr Harley's kids, who run the phone coaching service - are working. That is not hard to arrange.

However, the very best thing you could do right now is write to Dr Harley, the founder of this programme, care of the radio show that he produces every weekday (and to which you should listen right now, online). Tell him what you told us, and I think he will say the same as we've been saying. All the advice given by us comes from our familiarity with his work. He will give is advice free, and will follow up with you when you need more.

Also, right now, order the book Surviving an Affair from the online bookstore here, or download it from Amazon.

So, begin by telling your husband what you need from him (sobriety, NC, new job, openness and honesty about the affair, the goal of living together, MB coaching) and see whether he is willing to work on those things. If its not too late, go out with him tonight. If it is too late, arrange it for another night. If he shows the slightest reluctance or tendency to argue, get up and leave.

And write to Dr Harley, tonight.

This is balderdash.

He did not separate from you for no reason. He separated from you because he had already started an affair with her.

SugarCane what does NC stand for?

No Contact.

Completely and utterly.

Have you exposed to the children? Have you told the OW's Boyfriend?

The children know everything I know.
I don't know how to contact OW or her boyfriend (which is apparently a fledgling relationship). I want it to work out between them so she doesn't look to my H. I will try and find a way to email her though, to ask her to stay away from H and if she could move post, seeing as she is only part time.
Looks like WH was obsessing over OW and she wasn't interested. Like I said before he doesn't connect with anyone easily. I had to stop myself from smiling that his bid for independence resulted in nothing. She has no respect for him. He said everyone at work thinks he is unhinged and a stupid drunk.

I finally know what his problem with me is... not having been in work for long periods of time (because he's not been around much, cos of the army). He had said that I wouldn't need to work while he is in the army. But he has become increasingly dissatisfied with this arrangement and spent money badly out of anger and frustration. I can get a job now that the kids are older and more able to fend for themselves. But this doesn't help with his independent spirit or his suppressed anger or his alcoholism.

He is displaying many signs of severe depression (not just withdrawal, this is much deeper). I asked him to go to the doctor and told him about a PTSD specialist that I have the contact for, if he would consider it. Re-suggested AA and anger management classes.

Looks like I'm going to have to implement Plan B as he said that requesting a transfer would probably get him fired (because he is already undergoing discipline for drinking) and he cannot ask her to move (he might be concerned that she might say he harassed her). He needs to keep his job otherwise we will lose our house and have no money and not be able to feed the children or me. I have to protect the children's security. I have to keep protecting my heart.

He is immensely sorry and desperately wants to reconcile with me. But he is also feeling sorry for himself and his bad decision making and not really prepared to make changes. He is wallowing in self pity. If he has NC with me and OW is away, surely this will force him to make changes. I just hope he doesn't do anything desperate or irreversible.

You need to find away to contact the Boyfriend.