I am new to this forum and to the program, but I have chosen to take the path to working on the recovery of my marriage. Every day seems to confront me with a new obstacle-whether its within myself or with my spouse. We have been together since we were 15 years old. That is half of our lives already. There is not a memory that comes to my mind that does not somehow involve us together. I understand that I know no one here but honestly feel as though just getting all of this out will somehow bring huge relief.

Everything started 8 years ago when I myself had an affair with a co worker. My first mistake was letting someone of the opposite sex become a close friend. The friendship lasted for about 6 months until it developed into a more personal attempt. At the time I was very young and immature- and I made some very regretful decisions- I had an affair. Needless to say my husband and I divorced. After 3 months of sorting through and working things out, we decided to remarry and continue a new life together. I was very open with him (gave him access to everything and worked on building the marriage we both wanted). As soon as we were able I even quit my job.
A year after leaving my job, we had our first child. The experience was so amazing and I remember how happy we were for such an amazing blessing. 3 more years passed and then we had our second child. life could not have been more happy. we were happy.
Two years after our second child was born, my husband began a new job. It was a few months in when changes began-he started making comments about us spending too much time together or not wanting to have lunch together anymore. I immediately sensed a change in some of his actions, but he continuously denied. Right around this time, he introduced me to a female co-worker . There was a group of us girls who began hanging out and exercising together (at the time i was a personal trainer). She and I, along with a couple of other girls even went to out of town events together. There was always something about her that I questioned due to certain actions on her part- but everytime i would bring up anything to my husband he would simply tell me he thought I was over reacting or looking too much into things. Another red flag came when he all of a sudden asked me to stop hanging out with her. (she was an older woman who somewhat lived a "single" lifestyle- there were certain events i also witnessed with other men where I could see wasnt good for me to be around). I honored my husbands request. As time passed I had a gut feeling that there was something going on between the two. Over and over again, for two years , we would argue about these feelings and he would make me feel as though i had done something wrong or that i was obsessed with trying to make him hate her. the constant arguing during this time only seemed to make us drift away, but we continued to remain married.
Three weeks ago, he finally admitted to me that they had slept together 4 times before the time of him encouraging she and i to hang out. they still work together. there is still email contact (shes a receptionist) and meetings where they are both present. i was furious and so hurt that he would wait until two years later to tell me all of this-let alone let me be around her too.
My husband has taken the initiative to tell me all the details, he seems truly regretful , but there are times i feel he wants to just not talk about it anymore. In a way its almost like to that since I did something 8 years ago and he forgave me- thats what he expects too. and just start over. Is it wrong for me to think that the pain is worse because we are at a different time in our lives (6 years after remarrying, asking for gods forgiveness, having children together). he tells me the affair had nothing to do with what i was doing at the time- but that things in the past he feels did contribute to his curiousity. he tells me all that matters to him now are me and the kids. I have told him that i think the only way for us to truly move on is for him to leave his job. I feel horrible because 7 months earlier he was promoted to manager and we have been financially better than we ever have. He told me the affair has been over for 2 years but the guilt was driving him crazy. there is just still alot of hurt present and some days i feel i worry myself to death because he is still in the same environment with her only a few offices away. its almost like torture. how can he be okay with communicating with her or being around her in the same room?

Welcome to MB.

Here we do not consider 'recovery' to simply mean staying in the marriage. Many people stay in a marriage after an affair, but never recover from it. Recovery here means 1) ending all contact with the OP and creating a lifestyle that makes another affair next to impossible, and 2) creating a better marriage than you have ever had.

I would move your thread to the SAA site, because you haven't even begun recovery yet by doing step 1, which is to end all contact with the OP. Your WH still works with her every day, not only will this continue to threaten your marriage since the affair can start up again at any time, but it will keep you from recovering as you will constantly be triggered.

I would start with demanding that your WH quit that job. If he stays there, know that you are choosing his little job over your marriage and family. Know that you will be triggered every day he goes to work there, and every time you see her, and it will cause emotional and physical damage for years. Know that by making the choice for a better income, you are sacrificing your marriage and family and your own personal health. People change jobs every single day, most people do so several times in their life. No job is worth your family.

If she lives in your area, and you will continue to run into her, you will also need to move away. Ending all contact with an AP is that serious, it will keep you triggered for years and prevent any recovery from happening, even if you just bump into her at the grocery store.

Who have you exposed both affairs to?

my affair is something all family knows, his- i have only spoken with his mother about

my affair was 8 years ago, and something that i regret with the deepest burn--several times i still ask for gods forgiveness, my husbands forgiveness, and hate myself for what i did to him

I am new to this forum and to the program, but I have chosen to take the path to working on the recovery of my marriage. Every day seems to confront me with a new obstacle-whether its within myself or with my spouse. We have been together since we were 15 years old. That is half of our lives already. There is not a memory that comes to my mind that does not somehow involve us together. I understand that I know no one here but honestly feel as though just getting all of this out will somehow bring huge relief.

Everything started 8 years ago when I myself had an affair with a co worker. My first mistake was letting someone of the opposite sex become a close friend. The friendship lasted for about 6 months until it developed into a more personal attempt. At the time I was very young and immature- and I made some very regretful decisions- I had an affair. Needless to say my husband and I divorced. After 3 months of sorting through and working things out, we decided to remarry and continue a new life together. I was very open with him (gave him access to everything and worked on building the marriage we both wanted). As soon as we were able I even quit my job.
A year after leaving my job, we had our first child. The experience was so amazing and I remember how happy we were for such an amazing blessing. 3 more years passed and then we had our second child. life could not have been more happy. we were happy.
Two years after our second child was born, my husband began a new job. It was a few months in when changes began-he started making comments about us spending too much time together or not wanting to have lunch together anymore. I immediately sensed a change in some of his actions, but he continuously denied. Right around this time, he introduced me to a female co-worker . There was a group of us girls who began hanging out and exercising together (at the time i was a personal trainer). She and I, along with a couple of other girls even went to out of town events together. There was always something about her that I questioned due to certain actions on her part- but everytime i would bring up anything to my husband he would simply tell me he thought I was over reacting or looking too much into things. Another red flag came when he all of a sudden asked me to stop hanging out with her. (she was an older woman who somewhat lived a "single" lifestyle- there were certain events i also witnessed with other men where I could see wasnt good for me to be around). I honored my husbands request. As time passed I had a gut feeling that there was something going on between the two. Over and over again, for two years , we would argue about these feelings and he would make me feel as though i had done something wrong or that i was obsessed with trying to make him hate her. the constant arguing during this time only seemed to make us drift away, but we continued to remain married.
Three weeks ago, he finally admitted to me that they had slept together 4 times before the time of him encouraging she and i to hang out. they still work together. there is still email contact (shes a receptionist) and meetings where they are both present. i was furious and so hurt that he would wait until two years later to tell me all of this-let alone let me be around her too.
My husband has taken the initiative to tell me all the details, he seems truly regretful , but there are times i feel he wants to just not talk about it anymore. In a way its almost like to that since I did something 8 years ago and he forgave me- thats what he expects too. and just start over. Is it wrong for me to think that the pain is worse because we are at a different time in our lives (6 years after remarrying, asking for gods forgiveness, having children together). he tells me the affair had nothing to do with what i was doing at the time- but that things in the past he feels did contribute to his curiousity. he tells me all that matters to him now are me and the kids. I have told him that i think the only way for us to truly move on is for him to leave his job. I feel horrible because 7 months earlier he was promoted to manager and we have been financially better than we ever have. He told me the affair has been over for 2 years but the guilt was driving him crazy. there is just still alot of hurt present and some days i feel i worry myself to death because he is still in the same environment with her only a few offices away. its almost like torture. how can he be okay with communicating with her or being around her in the same room?

After my affair, I have prayed and still pray for Gods forgiveness as well as my husbands and all the pain I have put him through- maybe the hardest thing for me was thinking that when you have been through one situation it would make everyone realize all of the consequences in a way as making it something no one ever wants to experience again. i realize people are not perfect.

How do you feel about demanding that he quit his job and potentially moving? Is that something you are willing to do?

I do want him to leave his job, he continuously assures me that he has cut his ties and hasnt had sexual contact with her in two years. but they still are potentially around each other, have to communicate with email about work, potentially work on website information, meetings etc.

i am willing to do what it takes because even after everything- i have loved him for half of my life- yes he has made some wrong decisions but do i think he is a bad person- i dont think we could ever look at someone we love as a truly horrible person. i want things to work, its just very hard and i want to do the right things for us.

How do you feel about *demanding* that he leave his job. "I do want him to leave his job" is not adequate. If he stays in the job your marriage will never recover.

It doesn't matter if he hasn't had sexual contact with her in two years, he still needs to leave that job and end all contact with her FOR LIFE.

You also don't need to convince anyone here he is not a bad person. Everyone is wired for affairs, and will have one under the right conditions. That is why we don't focus on what kind of person he is, but rather creating an environment where it is impossible for him to have another affair.

yes i am ready to demand that to him- when we talked about it before he told me he doesnt want to settle for less than what he is now-that it will take time but he wants to do anything to fix things

It seems as though every time I try to talk to him in a calm way- he still says because of all the arguing he can't handle that anymore- he wants me to just stop bringing things up- I'm trying to go through the process, the right way- I feel so depressed and all alone

You feel depressed and all alone because your husband is not protecting you from the fallout of his affair. He is telling you he would like to move jobs, but does not want to "be less than he is now" - what the...?

I fell for that line, and while waiting for my husband to find another job the normal way (within his organisation), the sexual side of his affair continued for another 15 months or so. He denied that contact, but I could not believe it was not happening, and indeed it was happening, and on frequent occasions By the time I had proof of it, I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I don't want that to happen to any other woman. Don't let it happen to you.

You need to issue an ultimatum. Your husband needs to hand in his notice now, and leave within the month, whether he has a new job or not. Impending unemployment should concentrate his efforts wonderfully, but even if he is unemployed at the end of the month, you will be better off once he has left that job. You will no longer be falling apart, feeling "so depressed and all alone" every time he leaves for work. If he is prepared to face unemployment rather than hurt you one more day, you can know that he is serious about repairing your marriage. If he is not prepared to hand in his notice tomorrow, then pack his bags, wish him the best, and expose his affair to his employers. Plan B will be your friend from then on.

There is no other option to his leaving that job, and if he won't do it, that proves he doesn't give a flying fig about you, and you can proceed from that basis.

Who have you exposed to on the OW's side? What family members?

Have you read this?
Exposure 101

Thank you for the link. Yes I feel that is what we both need. 8 years ago everyone in our family knew of my mistake. I do feel that the embarrassment helped guide me through that particular time. I knew that in my heart I could never to that to anyone again-I was and always will be truly regretful of that time in my life. I think exposure would open up people here as well.

Currently the only people that know are two other co workers (who have had and are still having an affair -for 3 years now), my mother in-law, my husbands director (he no longer works there now, but my husband confided in him not long after it happened) and that is all.

Thank you Sugarcane. It is extremely hard on my because I am an at home mom. Both of my kids are in school this year so that alone is something that has been a big adjustment. I have mentioned to my husband about getting a job now..and before all of the affair was exposed to me (he did tell me although i suspected something for a while) he told me because of my past it makes it hard for him to trust me around other men. I completely changed my life around for him 8 years ago when i worked so hard to show him how deeply regretful i was for my own mistakes. Throughout the last eight years I have been nothing but open to his needs and honest with him about remaining faithful.

By being at home all day, I feel it only makes me dwell on things more.

Who on OW's side have you exposed to?

Will your Mother in-law talk to her Son and tell him to end his affair?