A little bit about myself. Im almost 50 and have been married for over 20 years to a guy I truly love. Our relationship has had many issues and we have never seeked professional help (with the exception of one failed attempt), he is now asking for a divorce again and I really think he means it this time.

So we were married, in what some traditionalists may call a shotgun wedding. By this point however, we were totally dedicated to each other and in fact owned a house together (both names on the deed), so neither of us had any attention of going anywhere.

So although we had lived together for a year, there wasn't much time to explore life as a couple before welcoming our first child.

Fast forward to another kid and 2 still births (both at 20 weeks). After the second stillbirth, I went into a dark but understandable place. Spent too much time on what we started calling "dead baby websites" and because both husband and I knew that it was a bad place for me to be emotionally, I started lying about being on them. Then I decided to use the same internet to look up someone I knew from college. Just a male acquaintance, but he lived and had deep roots to this city I had come to call home, and figured he was still here. So I found him and emailed him. But I lied about how I found him. I don't know why, even after almost 13 years of soul searching, I don't know why. Embarrassed? Uncomfortable enough with my relationship already that I wasn't sure how he would take it?

I am sticking to my side here. I know he has feelings, and opinions, but I am not putting words in his mouth, nor asm I going to try to pretend why he thinks like he does.

This guy and I did meet once, I did some filing for him and my hubby knew. Told me to get paid. I even took one of the kids (the other was school aged). I got paid, with a book about his favorite topic at that time, spinning. Awkward. money and the talk about, makes me very uncomfortable, I never even ask it in job interviews. And that is something normal.

Promptly got pregnant with kid#3. Hubby still feels that there was something more than that to this relationship. I have explained that I don't know why I lied as it seems pretty stupid thing to lie about, but i did, and I can't deny it.

So then guy #2. A guy I did have a sexual relationship with in the 80's (college). Found him too. Not intending on rekindling our relationship, he was always a friend with benefits and not a boyfriend, so no big emotional ties there. But he talked and more importantly listened, which hubby never seemed to.

Long story short (because its already way too long). After I was caught emailing #2 again the second time, and even though it wasn't a physical affair, or even an emotional one other than "hey, this is cool" day to day talk (same talk I have with the grocery store clerk), hubby laid down the law, "I catch you doing it again, its divorce". after he had wanted one the first 2 times too.

So last week, he found an email with a link to something (knife blocks) that I had sent him. Literally that was about it and about as romantic. So he says, done. Divorce. he says he's rolled over too many times now and he needs to stand his ground. I think its a stupid boundary (although it is one he can make) and we need to work on the causes of this idiocy (lack of intimacy (although intercourse every night), lack of conversation, lack of his desire to spend time with me or the kids (well down to 1, the other 2 are in school out of state), but he says, I've pushed him too far.

I have already signed up for counseling, because I need to know why I am causing this self destructive behavior (not only here, but been a case or 2 with work/friends too). I want him to join me too, but he just laughs and says no.

We really don't see eye to eye on most of these relationship surveys, at least in the past 13 years. Is it time just to call it quits? I love him, but we are 2 people in the same house right now and have been, and I hate it (and have hated it).

You need to read this The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Do you understand the addictive nature of an affair? Do you understand boundaries?

I do understand that and I do understand boundaries. After the last ultimatum (3 years ago), I really tried to make our marriage work, but when my "giving" wasn't being recognized and I never saw any improvement to our "marriage as roommates" relationship, I don't know why it happened. Thanks for the link, I'm reading it now.

I honestly se it as a cry for help, that I need to start at the breaking point again and work up. These past 3 years of almost monthly "I give and I give and I give" and yet you say you don't receive or are unwilling to receive into arguments that end up breaking all the rules, interruptions, bad names, etc. I've grown exhausted.

I'm not honestly saying that divorce isn't right, it just seems to be a threat/consequence and not born of true "I've had enough". Maybe I'm wrong.

Hello lstouf, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your relationships are caused because you seek them out. You actively seek out these men, seek and you shall find. Your husband knows this and has decided to give up, which most married people would do in this situation. He knows nothing will ever change because you blame him for these inappropriate relationships. Because you won't take accountability for them, he knows nothing will change and this will be his future.

NOW, if you wanted to change this dynamic, you would first need to stop trolling for action and create such a transparent lifestyle that it would be impossible to pursue men again. You would need to agree to affair proof your marriage and stop pursing opposite sex relationships.

In this safe atmosphere, we could show you and your husband how to create a romantic, passionate, happy marriage. Your husband might be willing to try this if you commit to protecting him in the future from your marriage wrecking behavior. Stop blaming him for your poor behavior.

But you don't practice appropriate boundaries for a married woman. That is the issue. Your marriage can be saved, but not if you don't observe boundaries. Having these relationships does not help your marriage in any way, so it makes no sense to say "my marriage was unhappy, therefore, I trolled for creeps." <----that makes no sense at all.

You trolled for men because it excites you. Stop blaming your husband for your actions.

I also think that the Policy of Joint agreement is good (my be too little too late) because I see the point in the above document, and I see that it should have been off limits from the get go. I have always had mostly male friends, and this knowledge isn't something new to him. But I haven't had sex with most of them either.

I think I was so against it, not because it was a bad idea, but that it seemed so unilateral and one sided. We didn't get to talk about any of the things (albeit less important overall, I should think) that should have been conceded on his part.

What this boundary with ultamatum ended up being was "hey, I'm taking away the guy you talk to and not going to fill any of the emotional needs you have". In fact, he laughs at me when I talk about having emotional needs because he says his were not met for so long. When I tell him that I can't tolerate us sitting there and without a word or any prior knowledge by me, he goes out the front door with out saying a word and gets in his friends car who has come to pick him up and leaves. The next time he does it, he smirks. Its like payback for hurting him.

I try to move on from the past (of me ignoring his needs, etc), but he always comes back to it when he tells me why he won't meet mine.

Thank you for that. I shouldn't blame him. I know and you are absolutely right. I hope it isn't too little too late. I really do, I do love him. I don't blame him. Maybe subconsciously I do. I tried living a transparent lifestyle, I have no passwords on anything and he can see anything of mine at any time. We have a hard time communicating about anything, because we start, I feel that he isn't understanding my point (he is always right??) and the "compromise" looks an awful lot like his starting point.

I really want to replace the excitement I feel from being "bad" with the excitement I should and WANT to feel with my husband, it just seems to self defeating.

I don't think you understand the concept of emotional needs. Emotional needs are something, that when met inside of a romantic relationship, creates romantic love. It is not a "need" like air or water. It is a need that is REQUIRED TO CREATE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP in the context of a marriage. So when you say you allow men outside of your marriage to meet your needs, you are saying your love bank is open to others.

That is a danger to any married person because it is how affairs begin.

If your love bank was open to others, it was closed to your husband so I believe it when he says his needs weren't being met either.

When you are a married woman, your love bank should be closed to outsiders. Having these relationships has not helped your marriage in any sense at all. Now your husband wants a divorce. I would too.


Do you know how affairs start? Go count the threads over on the Surviving an Affair forum, there are 1.2 million. They all started as opposite sex friendships.

I say all this because I don't think you understand the concept of emotional needs and the damage you have done to your marriage. This can be fixed, but only if you stop trolling for men and focus on your marriage.

You have blamed him throughout this thread. You said you sought out men to meet your needs because your needs were not being met by your husband. That is blame shifting.


This is a good first start by admitting you troll for men because it excites you. That is what you should tell your husband if you want to stay married. Start by telling him the truth and offer to affair proof your marriage so it would be impossible to cheat again.


A transparent lifestyle means he sees everything.

Still hurts.

I certainly hope that I'm not too late. I absolutely understand what you guys are saying. I might be dense, but I want to learn.

I do understand about emotional needs. 13 years ago, my husband said I wasn't meeting his...maybe grief from the loss of our son (and all the other emotions tied with that), maybe I needed to get some space from the inherent needs that this grief was causing in my marriage, maybe it was plain, I needed to open my Love Bank to others, because of some still yet not understood reason. That closeness at that time was cloying.

When this happened again 3 years ago, I really did try to dedicate myself back to our marriage and really listen to what he wanted and needed and tried to be that person. I let no one else have access to my Love Bank at this point. 100% dedication to making my husband feel loved, and wanted. But it was already like it was too little too late. The damage was done and he had closed his Love bank to me. I'm not sure, nor do I care, where he was getting points in his love bank. because I'm the one who made him close it. And I hated (and still hate) myself for it.

I can't tell you the begging that went into asking him to help me fill my love bank, and I wanted to fill his. And I know that I went about it wrong. Asking, the pleading, then accusing, then screaming, IS ABSOLUTELY the wrong way......but I didn't have the skill set to help me figure it all out.

I'm glad I found you guys....I think. Like I said, may be too little to late, but I can't bring this marriage back from over the precipice with the knowledge I already own.

You did not need to open your love bank to anyone outside of your marriage. As long as you have that idea, marriage with you is not safe. When your needs are not being met, you should guard your love bank MORE, not less, because you know you are vulnerable.


We might be able to help. If I were in your shoes, I would go to your husband and ask him to try a plan with you. The plan would affair proof your marriage and create romantic, passionate love. You would learn to meet his needs and he could learn to meet yours. Show him this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Would he come here and post to us?

i doubt it, he seems to think that people on the internet are less than ..... but I'm going to try wth that plan. Because its that important to me,

The book you need to pick up is His Needs, Her Needs. You can get it pretty cheap on amazon.com. It will give you a plan to turn your marriage around.

So I bought the book. How do I get hubby involved?

I own my problem and I don't want this to sound like an excuse but after the last time and I closed my love bank to everyone but my husband, he totally robbed it dry. I THOUGHT I was making deposits into his, meeting his emotional needs, with things like nightly sex, showing interest in his interests, making sure he knew I cared (good morning, did you have a nice day at work?) all the while he could barely grunt at me.

How Can I make him see although I'm the one who screwed up and own my transgressions it's just not me that needs to change.

I would start by writing him a nice letter. Tell him you want to have a romantic marriage with him where both your needs are met and you have found a program that does this. Tell him you understand you have poor boundaries around men and will ensure this never happens again. Show him the article i linked for you so he has an idea about the program. If you want, post your letter here, and we will give you feedback.

You should spend the next 3 weeks doing a great job of meeting his needs. If he doesn't get on board, Dr Harley would recommend that you separate because this situation can be devastating to your emotional health.

Does your husband have angry outbursts?


The way to create romantic love is to meet each others intimate emotional needs for 20-25 hours per week out on dates in a way that makes you both happy. It also requires eliminating love busters, as defined here:http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

I've told him that this would never happen again, but nothing changed. I thought I was trying to make it better, but after reading some of the stuff in this program, I understand that it wasn't the right way. And I didn't have buy in from him. That it was me that was trying and he was too frightened to get involved because he knew I would fall into the same patterns, and sure enough he was right. I need mutual buy in to move on.

I will get to work on this letter and see what becomes of it. Thanks so much.

here's the rough draft of the letter. I'm not the most gifted writer and I tend to let my emotions get in the way....and say way too much.

So thanks for any and all help..


I know that I have told you this stuff before, but I was lacking the tools to see it through.

You asked me what other alternatives to divorce I saw the other day. I understand that the pattern needs to break and rather than trying it on my own (our own) like last time, I need to understand the issue and have your buy in moving forward.

I am so sorry that yet again, you have lost your faith in me and your marriage due to my poor boundaries around men. And I can tell you it will never happen again, but this time I have a plan.

I have been researching information through this website called marriagebuilders.com and I think with the support of them and their information and the support of you, we can have this romantic marriage with each other that we both had and both want back.

We have had many discussions in the past few days about how the way we were trying to offer emotional needs to the other was falling flat. We have had many discussions over the past years about how frustrated I was that you kept telling me I had to give to receive and I kept yelling that I was giving, without really exploring WHY you were not getting. I acted like if I yelled enough, you would get it. I know that is not true, that we need to explore what each others emotional needs are to meet them, that me pushing off on you the things I need, while ignoring what you need is an absolute case for failure.

I am not saying that this is going to work. But I do love you and I really want to succeed. I own my mistakes and do not blame you for my actions. Please take a look at this info http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html and see if this is something that we can do together.

You could also offer to eliminate social media and to only use the email when he is in the room with you.

I can tell you that after being married to a serial offender, I had ZERO faith he would ever protect me again so I went to Plan D. If you just remove the avenue you use to keep offending, maybe he will have more faith. It's worth a shot.

It's possible that you just may not be able to control yourself and therefore this would be the best option anyway.

I don't use social media. And this is the main reason why. I work from home, my work computer with its email is within view of him if he wants to check it. He has accused me of having many other ways to contact him, which is untrue but I understand the sentiment. It was on this work machine where it happened the most recent time.