My wife of 10 years had a PA 2 years ago with a coworker after 8 years of what I thought was a good marriage. I found out about it pretty early (at least that she was having an EA), but failed to fully expose. She continued to work with him after I found out and told me that it was stupid and just a short lived thing and was over it. She however was questioning our marriage and claimed she was confused about what she wanted (standard wayward script). 10 months later, after snooping, I found that they were still having the affair. At this point, I exposed it to friends and family and her workplace. He quit and moved across the country.

After he moved, they continued to contact each other, although infrequently. I stuck by her and basically pleaded her to look at all the good we had (2 children, a once good marriage, etc.). For about 6 months she remained emotionally unavailable, claiming to be "confused" about what she wanted. She still maintained that they never had sex. Earlier this year I came across a text message that she sent to a friend claiming that they did in fact have sex. The proof was too concrete for her to continue to deny it.

Fortunately, coming clean that it was a PA was like a weight off her shoulders. Within a few months she was falling back in love me. Now we have a pretty good relationship.

I guess now that I have had time to reflect and I am not using all my energy to win my wife back, I am filled with unresolved resentment. It has consumed me. I can't believe she did something like that (and never really did apologize). I love her and want to move on, but I am filled with rage at the situation.

Another element is that when she was confessing that she had a PA, she said the sexual chemistry between them was "electric" and like nothing she has ever experienced with me. This eats away at me. I want to see that side of my wife.

It's like I have been fighting to get to the place for 2 years, and now that I am here, I feel like a consolation prize. I'm having trouble seeing her as the beautiful, loving, loyal wife that I used to.

Help! How do I move past this and create a great marriage.

Hi Gatorman, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are definitely in the right place. Resentment ensues when nothing good replaces the bad. For example, if you were blissfully happy in the present, your mind wouldn't be going to the tragedy of the past. We can help you with this.

The MB program has a step by step plan to create romantic love in your marriage. Many of are years out in recovery and it really does work. The program we recommend is found in the book Surviving an Affair, but you should start here and go through these links.

Was the OM married? And if so, did you inform his wife?

OM was a younger single guy.

I own a copy of "Surviving an Affair". My wife is always skeptical about doing books or programs, especially if they requiring drumming up the affair. How do I get her past the skepticism? What is the best way to do the program...read it out loud together, read it separately then discuss, what pace, etc.?

Thanks!

We don't drum up the affair. I would learn the program and sell it to her. People buy things when there is a perceived benefit. It I were her, I certainly would not engage in any program that dragged out my worst mistakes. But that is not what this program does.

What it does is creates a romantic, passionate marriage. She would be interested in that, wouldn't she? Here are the basic concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Here are worksheets: http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

You can get the workbook here: https://marriage-builders-bookstore...-of-love-busters-and-his-needs-her-needs

Marriages that don't recover after an affair tend to limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. They are more vulnerable after the affair than before. A marriage does not recover without a plan. This is what you have discovered on your own.

Your wife stands to benefit the MOST from this program, seriously. If it would go over better, you might just skip SAA and follow the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love. It is the same program, essentially, other than the specific affair proofing steps.

Which brings me to another question, has your marriage been affair proofed?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.