Good afternoon. I have been reading this forum for quite some time now and have decided to post as I am beginning to lose hope.

I have the same affair story as alot of others on here. I let someone else meet the needs that didn't get met at home........fell in love, bailed on my family blah blah blah. So
shameful.
My affair has been over for a year, and we have been working on recovery for a good 8 months but it seems like every time I feel we are making progress one of us gets triggered again. I don't feel like we are making any progress.

My husband has no feelings left for me, and I understand why but reading here makes me think there may be hope for us.

We have a comfortable life together but there is absolutely no sense of intimacy. We both feel like we are just putting in time but for what, until when? Is this going to be our life now?

We have been reading the books together; His needs Her needs and Love Busters, and doing all the suggested activities, but none of our feelings have changed at all.
Where do we go from here?

Hi Julie, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most important steps for recovery are a) affair proofing the marriage and b) creating a romantic, integrated marriage. It doesn't sound like either of those things are happening. We can help you turn this around.

I would put aside His Needs, Her Needs and go to Survivng an Affair.

I have some questions.

1. are you married? how long?

2. any kids?

3. when was the last time you saw or spoke to the OM? Who is this OM and where did you meet him? his marital status?

4. what is triggering you both?

How much of this checklist has been done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

What EXACTLY are you doing to restore intimacy?

We have been married 25 years, 2 daughters 16 and 19. Om is divorced and has since moved to another city so I have no contact at all.
Exposure was done in the spring after I confessed to my husband.(affair was already over) my family, husbands family, friends, church and children were told.

Husband has complete access to phone and computer and every moment of my time is accounted for. I gave up 2 previous friends that supported me in the affair and have a female accountability partner.

We have at least one date night a week as well as every evening together. We are never apart overnight.

As far triggers, so many. Anything to do with law enforcement; cars, sirens, coffee shops, driving, it is everywhere! No matter where I were to go, there will always be reminders.

My husband is still really struggling with what I did and at the moment has no interest in meeting any of my needs, I am doing my best to meet his but he isn't very receptive.

I understand that it will take time but I am running out of steam. I also know that its totally wrong, but I still miss the om even after all this time.

Who was told on the OM's side?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Read this and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

Exposure was to his parents and his children. Key people at my job were told also. After that we couldn't think of anyone else to tell.

And yes, I have the book. My husband started reading it but he said it made him sick because it showed how easy it was for people to cheat. I am reading it.

Did you get a chance to listen to these radio clips?

Will your husband come here and post?

Hi Julie, who do you mean, by "we"? You and your H or you and OM?

You and your H will need to spemd 15 hours+/week together w/o anyone else except the two of you, to cultivate a romantic relationship and feel love for eachother.

The pain of your missing OM will go away.

You must be adamant about omitting all contact or possibility therof, if getting your marriage back is what you and your H really want.

I am not sure how to quote more than one post so
Brainhurts,
in the process of listening and reading. I love the example of the purse being ruined, makes sense to me.

Thelongrun,
By "we" I mean my husband and myself. I understand that I can have NO contact of any kind with the om, but am still really struggling when I see reminders. I "change the subject" in my mind but there is always that initial pang and temptation to dwell on the thought.

We are spending the 15 hours or more together but are not always productive. We run out of things to talk about and so often just sit together without talking.

I realize this is going to take time (like the rest of our lives)
to repair the damage I have done, I want it now!!! So stupid

Reminders such as ...?

Is your husband abusive/angry?

Reminders such as police cars, men in uniform, restaurant chains, music etc. etc. No matter where I go, there will be reminders. I am praying that they will fade as we heal.


Abusive- No, although I used to think he was, at least verbally. He was very angry but now he is just hurt.

I asked if he would come on the forum but he said no. He hasn't decided what he wants to do yet.

So he has angry outbursts?

You should invite him to join you in this program. If he will join you, you both will recover, and your marriage will be better than it was before your affair.

But, if he refuses, you should separate. There isn't much you can do if he will not join you.

Do you think it is impossible to relocate to rural, more isolated area where triggers are not running around as in towns? I do not live in USA but I have heard that it is big;-)