(sorry if my English is not ok, it isn�t my native tongue)

I married my husband when I was 20 and now, 6 years into our relationship, I feel I�m stuck. I can�t make a final decision and it is killing me. It is not a sudden bolt from the blue, I�ve made attempts to leave him twice already � half year ago and 3 years ago. We�ve been together all these years and it�s been a VERY rocky road indeed.

We started fighting since day one. Even as we dated, I faced the problems which could only signal we are not meant to be with each other. He had a hard time too, I evoked really intense emotions in him when we had a fight, he had anger control issues (still has them) and I started wearing bruises before I even got married. He apologized every time and we moved on. He is the kind of person who strongly believes that marriage is never to be abandoned because of ANY problems, that the only wise thing to do is to work on issues until they are resolved and never give up on each other. This position of his appealed to me for some time, until I finally came to realize it�s not worth anything because it�s not working. And even when we did find a solution that solved the current issues, a hail of other took their place and we never learnt to deal with them maturely, like adults.

Our emotions (we both are very emotional naturally) overshadowed everything and we would always get hysterical -me, breaking dishes and throwing objects on the floor, often yelling and screaming, and he �well, he never found the dishes interesting and would get abusive towards me. I found it completely inappropriate and asked him to stop. He promised he would but he continued.

Since last year, I started to abuse him in return (even cut his finger with a knife once!) � as a return reaction or even retaliation. I never did it first and never felt the urge to do it without him striking me first. You should probably know that I�m a slim girl, 163 cm tall, 48 kilos, and he�s twice my weight. So of course I felt frightened and when I turned aggressive too, I was not so much. I probably can�t stigmatize him as an abuser in the family, because almost half the times I might as well provoke him (make him emotional by unleashing my emotions) and I knew what it would lead to.

However, there were quite a few times when I didn�t even know he was going to hit me. From the top of my head: we had a fight don�t remember what it was about, he hit my head, left a bump there and my girlfriend was a witness. Naturally, having a guest, I never expected that to happen. When I was 2 months pregnant, we also had some fight and this time it was even more violent � he hit the back of my head pretty hard with his fist as I was ironing the clothes and I never saw it coming, didn�t even know he was in the room!!!

The most horrible time was when I was walking with my girlfriend (another one) in the street and he rushed out of the house, ran at me and slapped my face twice, so hard I almost fell and I was driving a stroller with our baby girl (which I think is important because I had to let it go and it was pushed by force in the direction of the road). This happened in front of my friend and some guy who was passing by. The guy interfered immediately (and my husband told him to go away because I was his wife, which he believed justified the deed). My friend understood what was going on before the slapping happened because she said she was afraid of aggressive violent expression on his face (I didn�t see his face because I wasn�t wearing glasses so a few moments before I was hit I told her she was imagining things). He had his reasons to do it, he was angry because I left the house when he asked me not to. Sounds like a tyrant, I know, but he didn�t see it back then. My friend called the police, it came soon and I wrote an indictment. He slept on the coach that day.

The next day I packed (I had lived in his parents� apartment for 4 years by then, almost never worked and did practically nothing �useful� for the family ) and left. I lived with my sister for some time (and a baby, naturally, who was 5 months old), then I moved to another town to live with my parents. He visited me there a few months later, promised he would change and said that now he understood what an [censored] he had been all that time. I didn�t feel good about myself, in the sense that I never had a �real� job (which he constantly accused me of), wasn�t attractive (at least didn�t feel attractive because he never told me I�m beautiful, but pointed out my bad features instead) . I was deeply afraid I�d never find anyone to love me, won�t have any friends, money and a place to live in. So when he asked me to come back, I agreed.

We decided to have a mortgage and started living separately from his parents. He got fired and we really needed the money, so when it happened (the baby was 1) I started working. I worked as a teacher for a year and then I changed a job because I found something far better, started some sort of a career. He did too, found a better job and we had something like a competition here, or maybe I just felt this way because I remembered how he constantly accused me of not enough financial contribution to the family and I wanted so badly to make him see that I deserve just the opposite attitude!
He finally admitted I was not that bad in terms of money making (though he keeps saying that the company I�m working for won�t last) so I felt a bit better about myself. However, in another spheres humiliation continued (and I don�t want to be a to accuser here and I got to admit that I accused him of things I was not content with too, like a boring sedentary life style, being overweight, playing too much video games, not taking care of hygiene, etc).

Once he said in front of my friends that I have a big crooked nose! I really did but all the other features of my face are actually very attractive but his words hit me really bad. I felt so bad I had a depression for the whole summer. I talked to him, he said I can�t be called beautiful because of the nose but that it didn�t matter. Well maybe not to him, but I couldn�t stand the thought that he thought of me as of some ugly girl and that he could say it just like that in front of my friends. I didn�t find a way to overcome the depression so I had a surgery. I even had it twice, because after the first time he pointed out it was still not perfect. I also had a breast enlargement surgery, and now my face and figure was.. well let�s put it this way, I didn�t leave him a chance to say anything bad about my appearance.

We kept fighting but we changed and our lives changed too. He became less arrogant towards me and I felt more confident about myself. I started feeling that I had the power to resolve things, to take matters in my own hands. I had another surgery, this time not plastic, but vaginal. because his manhood is small (I know I should�ve never told him that� but I did�and it really is rather small, only 4, maybe 4,5 inches long when erect, and I didn�t feel a thing when I had sex with him ever since the delivery). Now that I�m almost like I was before the childbirth, I feel another issue is solved. Not entirely, of course, but it made things in bed a bit easier and not so confusing. I still never have orgasms and barely enjoy sex with him.

I see that we are going somewhere. We communicate and talk about the issues. We both try to work on them. Things got better, we started to listen to each other. We both changed to the better but we keep fighting all the time and he keeps being abusive. We are very different people with VERY different outlook, we see our future differently, we want different things in life and all that is left to do is to put up and learn to live with it. But I feel I�m stuck. For obvious reasons, I�m in a more comfortable stage of my married life than before, and he values me more, but I just can�t stand him being physically abusive any longer. On the other hand, it�s incredibly hard to leave him.

I got used to him, and to the way I live. My life would change and I�m not sure I�m ready to go through it without a man�s support. Divorce would raise a lot of issues because I don�t have a place to live except our mortage apartment, money would become more of a problem and what about our 3-year old daughter�and what also scares me is that he would turn totally against me if I start a divorce, he told me that many times. So I�m scared of the challenges. What should I do? I know he will never stop hitting me, even he admits it now. The last time it happened, he hit my nose, and I had a corrective surgery only two months before that, so it was really BAD. Luckily the consequences are minor but still they are there, on my face, forever! (unless I�ll go the surgeon again which I will never do) � So should I just leave things as they are? Because I don�t feel happy�I�m rather happy with my work, my daughter, friends and some other aspects of my life at the moment, but this person in my life makes everything so damn hard...

You can't possibly imagine that we are going to tell you to stay with him.

Leave him. There- that's your decision made.

Welcome to MB.

I agree. When will you be filing for divorce?

Yes I agree, you have to leave him. Otherwise you are killing your baby's mother.

You are young and you have a career, divorce will be a challenge you can easily overcome.

Tanya50Stars:

Here are 14 INSURMOUNTABLE reasons why you must leave him immediately for your own safety.

Please review Dr. Harley's instructions for a Plan B separation (you shut off all communications and contact) for your own health (mental and physical) and safety. This plan allows you to disconnect emotionally from your unrequited addiction to this man horror show.

1) I started wearing bruises before I even got married
2) He .. strongly believes that marriage is never to be abandoned because of ANY problems....I finally came to realize it�s not worth anything because it�s not working.
3) he ... would get abusive towards me (i.e. strike you).
4) He promised he would [stop] but he continued.
5) You defended yourself with a knife after he struck you.
6) .. he�s twice my weight. So of course I felt frightened..
7) there were quite a few times when I didn�t even know he was going to hit me.
8) He hit my head, left a bump there.
9) When I was 2 months pregnant ... he hit the back of my head pretty hard with his fist.
10) he rushed out of the house, ran at me and slapped my face twice, so hard I almost fell and I was driving a stroller with our baby girl..
11)He had his reasons to do it, he was angry because I left the house when he asked me not to.
12) I didn�t find a way to overcome the depression [from his put downs] so I had a surgery. I even had it twice, because after the first time he pointed out it was still not perfect. I also had a breast enlargement surgery, and now my face and figure was.. well let�s put it this way, I didn�t leave him a chance to say anything bad about my appearance.
13) I just can�t stand him being physically abusive any longer.
14) I know he will never stop hitting me, even he admits it now.



Why are you fighting so hard for a man who will likely kill you on one of his strikes? Punching you in the head with a fist can disable or kill you. If he disables you, do you really want to be at his mercy and care for the rest of your life, unable to defend yourself? What a horrible outcome for you. He will strike out with his terrible character mercilessly as you cannot defend yourself. And your precious daughter will likely be severely abused as well with you able to do nothing to protect her.

And this is just a START as to all the reasons you urgently need to leave him immediately.

RUN, don't walk, away from this monster.

You can rebuild a financial life for yourself now. You've built one very successfully before; rebuilding it will be easier.

There are NEVER, EVER reasons to punch your wife in the head.

NEVER.

As we all have said, you need to exit this "marriage" immediately while you are still alive to do so.

Do you want him raising your daughter alone after one of his blows kills you?

I can see that all responses so far say there�s only one thing to do.

Addiction is the right word here maybe, he was the first person I fell in love with and it�s exteremely hard to admit that despite all the enormous efforts and everything we have gone through it is over. I�m also afraid to live on my own, without him, that my life will change to the worse and that I will regret the decision. And somewhere deep inside me there�s hope he will change.

He knows now what I�m about to do and he pleads to forgive him and give him one last chance. He says that he never wanted to abuse me intentionally but he did because he couldn�t control himself. He says he will take anger management classes and will never again lay a hand on me. I don�t think these classes can help, but he has never considered them before.


If I leave, I still can�t lose contact with him and put him out of my life entirely. He adores our girl and will surely want to see her. Also his mother babysits her on a regular basis (as I have to work). He is living at her place at the moment. His mother doesn�t take my intention to leave seriously at all (which I think affects him), she is convinced it is just a rough patch in marriage which we should overcome. I think she thinks this way because it happened with her and her late husband too, and in her daughter's family also so it looks like she knows the situation, but responds not like one would expect.


Another contact problem - almost all my friends are his friends too, we always hang out together and I don�t know whose side they will choose (it was his friends initially) don�t know if it means I will lose them too.


I�m not scared to death really, I really don�t think my life is in danger in any way. At least, for the last few years he stopped using his fists, there�s no actual punching (except just once a few months ago), but slapping, shoving, grabbing (and I mostly scratch, bite and hit him with my fists and legs, after he does it I get very aggresive and angry too). And I scream loud, the neighbors think we�re complete nuts.

Such terrible incidents happen several times a year.
I know it sounds horrible and that it doesn�t look like it is worth saving this relationship. For some reason, it didn�t feel so horrible in my head until I saw it in writing.

He should take anger management classes. But don't engage in any discussions with him about this or about leaving, make your plans and execute them.



Sit back and think about this for a moment. He was damaged by what he saw his father do to your mother. This behavior was learned. His sister was damaged by the same thing. Are you really going to expose your child to this too? She should not be within a million miles of this terrible family.



Yes you will. And the sun will continue to rise every morning.




You may not be scared but all of us are scared for you. This stuff always gets worse. You will eventually be killed.

You need plans to separate. Read this and the links for an IM and parallel parenting which are in this thread also. You can leave and have no contact with him and still raise your daughter without having to talk with him. Many, many mothers have done it with young children.
How to Plan B Correctly

Tanya, how much worse can life be? You are in constant danger of getting killed by a fatal punch. It only takes one. Once you have separated and start to detox from this horror show you will look back with deep regret for every day you wasted in it. Your life will never look better or more hopeful.



If he changes, let him do that for himself - with you out of danger. You do not owe him the risk of your life to wait out his change. Once that happens and over the course of some years proves itself out, then you can reconsider. The abuse he lays on you is about POWER over you more than anger at you. He would need to have a whole brain implant and become a different person to be safe for you.


This scares me to death. You are at severe risk of him gravely hurting you to prevent you from moving out. He is about to lose his POWER over you. Can you go stay at your parents while you arrange your affairs?


This gives you no hope for an in-home reconciliation. He cannot offer you safety in any way. You need to get out of there before yesterday.


You are clearly in some deep fog. After you have been separated for some time you can re-access whether a man horror show such as he is should be anywhere close to your daughter. He professed to adore you at one time, too, apparently since he married you. What will happen to your daughter when she becomes old enough to disobey him in some way and he moves to reassert POWER over her? Will she be treated to the same treatment you are receiving now? (hint: yes!)


If they are like minded with him, this would be no loss. Give your separation a few weeks and you'll be seeing things more clearly. You will find new friends if these take his side. Walk away without looking back. You are worth so much more than a bunch of fickle friends who think you should be punched in the head by your husband horror show.



You should be.


It is very much so, especially right now when he is aware that he may shortly be losing his power over you.


It. is. that. horrible.

Run, don't walk, away. Get out of there immediately.

If he disables and/or paralyzes you with one of his punches, do you think he will care for you tenderly for the rest of your life?

Take a few moments and visualize what your life might be like under his "tender loving care".

Hopefully that alone will incent you to get yourself to safety immediately.

Tanya I'm praying for you. If he meant what he said he would understand why you need to get yourself and your daughter away from him until he's proven himself safe for a year. Think about when you actually feel remorse for something you've done to someone. You understand why they need to be away from you and respect their judgment about what they need before re-engagement. Have you heard "live the way you lie" lately? He knows he is hurting you and endangering your daughter and doesn't consider that reason enough to take action. He is only pretending because he believes that will get you to stay and drop it.

I pray your daughter can have a different childhood than he had. That she would get to see from your example that she is worth protecting.

Tanya, are you OK?

Yes, of course I'm ok. I'm still undecided. He says he is a good man and that he is just emotional. Once again, he is NOT going to kill me, all our family members and friends can clearly see that. Things he does can't possibly kill me, they are nowhere near as strong because he doesn't use full strength. It causes more fear than pain.
He keeps saying now that he will do everything to save the relationship and work on emotions control. When I asked for advice, my parents recommended to stay and friends say that I should leave if I'm not happy with him. I'm used to being with him, we spent a lot of time together, had so many plans together and it feels empty now that he is not around. Today he visited me and he had passionate sex three times. I don't know what's happening, I'm confused. Is here any person who can actually communicate about my problems? because tips like run or change a lock on your door are really ridicolous in my eyes.

Well, I think you've been really rude to people who spent time trying to help you, but perhaps that's just because you are traumatised from all the abuse you have suffered.

The people on this forum are giving you the advice that we have learned from Dr Harley, whose site this is. Dr Harley has been a successful marriage counsellor for decades, and has worked with thousands of couples. The vast majority of marriage counsellors are not successful in helping couples create loving, fulfilling marriages.

He came up with his recommendations based on what he observed in his own practice: what worked, and what did not. He is the founder of the Marriage Builders programme, and everyone who posts here regularly does so because they have used his methods and know them to be the effective. We don't post our own opinions, such as your friends and parents are giving you.

You appear to be shopping around between friends, family and us, to find a point of view that supports what you really want to do. If you think about it, you must see that there are really only two options: on the one hand, to believe your husband's vows to stop beating you and to be kind to you, and stay, and on the other, to leave.

You have heard both points of view and you are still looking for something else; what, I cannot say. You want someone to "actually communicate about your problems" - but what do you think several posters have tried to do already? They've given you reasons why you must leave, and why you cannot believe the words of a seemingly remorseful abuser, but for some reason, you find their advice "really ridiculous".

I suggest that you write to Dr Harley himself, care of the radio show, and put your question to him. He is a licensed clinical psychologist. You won't have to appear on the radio show unless you want to. You will get a reply by email, and you can follow up with Dr Harley for as long as you need. His advice is free. Good luck.

It might seem "ridiculous" because you lack all objectivity and are not thinking clearly. Obviously you are the least objective person on this thread. No sane person will advise you to remain in a dangerous situation. It is your sanity and objectivity that is impaired here. Hopefully you will listen to sound advice.

Read this and listen to the radio clips in here.
What to do with an angry husband

Tanya I am sorry to see you lashing out at people who are showing care and concern for you. I bet the hundreds of women killed by their partners every year would have written the same exact thing at one time.

Tanya,

I believe you have been in your husband's control for too long and forget about what is real love, caring, and respect. My situation is different from yours but I was so used to my husband's lie and control for nearly 19 years so as to put up with him and even believed that leaving him might be a mistake. This is because he has brainwashed me for too long, just like your husband keeps saying he is just emotional and has anger management issue and you even defended him.

I believe you truly deserve someone much better than your husband to treasure you and love you. Same principles applies to your daughter. After my husband's affair came to light, it took me two and half months to finally move out of my house. And even after filing for legal separation, I still had some struggles just a week ago, for he wouldn't let me go. Therefore I fully understand how and why you have been struggled with what to do. However since you come here for help, you know your situation is not healthy for you and you want to have a change, right?

Maybe you can think of posters' advice of asking you to RUN as a way to temporarily flee from the horror your husband has brought to your life rather than totally abandoning your marriage.

Take one step at a time and see how your life might be different after moving out.