My husband and I met in middle school and began dating by the time we were 21. We were financially strained and ended up living together which we ended up getting married and starting a family. 16 years later, I am in a marriage where my husband has taken a variety of risks financially into business, realestate (I was a stay at home mom). We almost lost our house and ended up declaring bankruptcy from the huge amounts of debt he took on and could not pay off. After this he ended up talking a woman into loaning him $350,000 to invest into a 140 year old multi unit apartment building that was an enormous strain on our family. I ended up starting my own little business, a little boutique without getting into any debt at all and I have been in business now for 4 years. So, over the years there have been too many ventures and things that have occurred to even remember at this point but he was heavily drinking and ended up getting verbally abusive towards me. He lost the building, and was investigated by the government and they determined he owed an additional $130,000 in tax, with penalties is now $320,000. He quit drinking and that has helped with his moodiness. This has effected me because we were receiving a tax break over the years to help with our low income and now the government wants it back and since the checks were written to me, I am the one who has to pay $7600 back.
We got into a disagreement the other day because he wants me to take the mortgage over on a house and give him half the money from the loan to invest into his little restaurant (3rd one). I explained my nervous feelings as to why this might not be something I want to do and he took it as a huge criticism about who he is etc etc. Yesterday morning he was very angry and hit the door two times screaming at me saying I should "f__K O__" and that he would find someone else.
here is where the problem for me lies, I told him I was finished but now he is asking me to move on and make things work and he will do anything to support and help his family. I want to stop this cycle but at the same time worry maybe I am being unsupportive and should 'trust him' as he asks me to. We have two children who love us both and I don't want to hurt them either. Any thoughts?

Your husband's anger is very concerning. I would separate until he takes anger management and proves he will never have anotheer angry outburst at you again. No other marriage problem can be solved until he does that.

As far as the finances, set up your accounts where he cannot touch your money without your agreement.

If he "will do anything," then he needs to do two things:
1. take anger management, as my wife Prisca described in her post to you just now
2. agree to never do anything that you feel reluctant about. So no business ventures and borrowing money around that you feel reluctant about - he needs to earn a living in a way that you feel enthusiastic about, and he needs to not pressure you to "trust him" or "be supportive" or other such nonsense

Please read through Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

And please read through my wife's thread on what to do with an angry husband:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2640607#Post2640607

No.

okay thank you, it is not something that happens often but he has reacted aggressively in the past (he threw a remote control at me and also threw a plate of food in my face). Most of the time he is pretty friendly and doesn't get this aggressive but I do tend to monitor what I say in order to make sure I 'keep the peace'. It really is exhausting.
What if he refuses anger management?

Then you will be better off and safer without him.

Have you read this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

Yes I did read What to do with an Angry Husband. I will try these steps. He doesn't understand how much of an impact this is on our marriage and keeps focusing on the money as the problem. Then he just tries to hug me and move on. The hard part is staying strong and making my concerns a real issue on the table, rather than slipping back into comfortable daily life.

It was extremely upsetting since I was hardly even speaking at the time of his outburst and he continued ranting from downstairs while I sit crying on the bathroom floor. Simply unacceptable but not unfamiliar...

You will be in the same misery in your marriage until you do something different - something radically different that he can't avoid being affected by.

***EDIT***he advises you to change the locks and not let him back in until his anger is resolved. It can take even as much as a year before you might know for sure you can expect him to resume the marriage without anger.

***EDIT***

It sounds radical, but you have nothing to lose - what you have is radically bad.

It will get your husband's attention quickly and he will not want to suffer that boundary in the future so it will help him straighten up!

This is what Prisca did and it really helped Marcos put his anger in a different perspective.

So, don't just TRY those steps ->>>> TAKE them!

Until you do, you'll continue to have exactly what you have now. I had an angry xH who's rages were very bad at times. There simply wasn't a way to respond to them that would stop them. I tried a soft answer (didn't turn away HIS wrath), I tried a calculated response that met him with equal pitch (Yikes! that was awful), I tried just standing silently until he was done (he wouldn't stop - I could stand there for 45 minutes) etc etc. I didn't know to try to put him out of the house until our marriage was long over.

If you follow the advice on this board, you can save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy, and instead follow an effective strategy that will either stop his outbursts, or reveal to you that it is a wasted effort, nothing will change and that you should consider dissolving the relationship.

That's because he's not interested in suffering any consequences for his behavior.

He'd rather continue this with impunity because it shuts you up and gives him his way.

He'll do this forever until you step up and stop him.

Sunnytimes, what your saying makes good sense (is there more information regarding a 'Plan A' process?) and I would love to try this but there is no way he would leave the house. If I want to force the issue, I would have to hire a lawyer and take it to court (I have already researched doing this) and then he would no longer be obligated legally to contribute to the household bills (mortgage etc). I simply can't afford to take all of that on unfortunately. He says if I'm the one who is unhappy then I am the one who needs to go. He is now coming from a place of victimization and keeps asking me to tell him I love him, believe in him, and trust him...that I am not doing what he needs, that I am not supportive enough or being a good person/wife. Every time I ask him to get help, this is the response I get, that he is so hurt and just can't 'take this anymore'.
2 weeks away from Christmas, my kids are so excited about it, t would be much easier to comply and get through the holidays in a more peaceful way but I feel there are some 'windows of opportunity' and if you let it close you can't revisit and open it again.

I find it odd that Prisca and Marcos are on this thread and did not recommend Plan A to this poster and yet you are using them as an example for why this poster should follow your advice and not theirs.

As far as I know, I have never seen them post that Dr Harley advised Prisca to Plan A Marcos or that she use Plan A to help him overcome his AOs.

Where did you see this?

Did you talk to a lawyer? When I went through D, my ex moved out of the house and still had to contribute a percentage to all of the household bills, including the mortgage.

If he won't even acknowledge that he's responsible for his own AO's, then this is going nowhere. That is the first step.

Yes I did contact a lawyer and she said if I force him out I am obligated to cover the mortgage. She has said in the past he would probably have to help financially but 'probably' is really scary for me. He is self employed and I really have no idea how much he makes and I'm pretty sure he keeps a fair amount 'under the table' to avoid paying tax and to make his income look lower in the event of a separation.

what is especially confusing is he makes snarky comments to me while we are home, making things tense during this 'episode' but he then sends texts with pics of things I might find useful in my business that he found. I don't know how to respond. I am so tired...

Dr. Harley does not tell women to Plan A their angry husbands for 3 weeks. This is what he tells them to do (it takes all of 5 minutes):


Angry Outbursts Letter #1

Dr. Harley does not advise abused women to do a "stellar Plan A" for three weeks before separating.

The point is that Plan A should not be done at all. It does not matter whether there has been a "stellar" Plan A already. Plan A should not be mentioned to an abused wife. Even if she were committing love busters galore, his anger is dangerous to her and she should separate from him immediately. Plan A should not even feature in any advice.

Your advice is dangerous, Sunnytimes, and you need to know when to stop.