Last night my husband told me he met up with someone from Craigslist for a "massage"... but he didn't enjoy it, and now he feels "more committed to me than ever."

Our relationship has been wonderful from the beginning. We have conflict, like everyone, but we never fight. We are both level-headed and logical, and we care deeply about each other. If we have a problem, we discuss it calmly until we come to a mutually beneficial outcome. He goes out of his way to show me how special I am to him. All my friends and family love him, and always tell me how obvious it is that he is madly in love with me, and they hope one day they can find someone who loves them as much as he loves me. He tells me all the time how happy he is, and I have never doubted it.

He can't give me an answer why he did it. He didn't lie to me or try to conceal it (I never would have found out about it), and I believe him when he says he has never done it before. So why would he do it now? I would understand if I was not meeting his needs, but that wasn't it. The way he describes it is very clinical - he was horny, I wasn't there (finals week) and got tired of masturbating. He said the ad was for a "massage" and even though deep down he knew what it was, he convinced himself that it would just be a massage.

Honestly, I'm not even hurt about what he did (is that normal?) - I'm hurt that he did it behind my back. He could have talked to me about it, and we could have found a solution. But he would rather go to some sketchy potential-serial-killer's house for a happy ending!

I thought I knew him, but the man I knew wouldn't have done this.

Everything on this site is great advice, but all the infidelity articles deal with affairs stemming from unhappiness in the relationship. What am I supposed to do when we already had all the things this advice is supposed to bring us? It's like if you had a stained glass window, but it was ugly and you didn't like looking at it, so you broke it. At least then you can use the pieces to build something beautiful. But when you have the most beautiful window that exists in the world, why would you break that? And why would you bother putting it back together when it can only ever be less beautiful than it was?

I need help. I need to know how to fix this. I need to know that it's worth fixing.

Hi Humbug, welcome to Marriage Builders. Most affairs happen somewhat by accident. Most don't go out looking for it, they sort of fall into it like a frog in boiling water. Your H is very different in that he went looking for it. It was no accident.


I can tell you the answer. The answer is that he went looking for it. He had the opportunity because you were not there. What this means is that it will happen again if he has the opportunity.

My suggestion to you would be set up your lives so he doesn't have the opportunity again. I would also suggest you get STD testing and ask him to take a polygraph. Someone who is so entitled to adultery has probably done it before.

How long married? Do you have kids? Have either of you ever had an affair before?

I know that he went looking for it, that's the worst part.

Married for three years. No kids yet. No previous affairs in any prior relationships. In fact, he is extremely cautious about any behaviors that have led to pain in any of his past relationships - for example, he promised his last girlfriend that he would marry her. It caused her so much pain when they broke up that he refused to make any promises to me about our relationship until we had been together for over a year and he already knew that he was going to propose.

He is devastated. Mostly because he realized afterward how much pain it would cause me. I only wish he had thought about that before he did it.

All I want is to find a way to accept it. I can forgive him, and he has already signed a very generous post-nup, which I found was very effective in relieving my resentment. But I don't know how to get over the fear.

Hello Humbug,

I hate that you are going through this. When I was in the military I saw this same behavior a lot from men who were otherwise happily married. The saying "what goes TDY stays TDY" was often used to make the behavior seem acceptable. Although it rarely ever did. However one thing that I learned from all of the experiences is that while the marriage looked perfect in one persons eyes, there was always something that bothered the other. In fact one guy told me he felt like he was too perfect for his wife so he had to "slip" up so she would stop viewing him as infallible and make it easier when he had a normal screw up "forgot an appointment, came home late from work without calling, forgot to cook dinner, etc."

I would recommend talking to him, explain to him how you view your relationship and ask him how he views it. Express to him that you want honesty, and there will be no ramifications for anything he says. And on your end listen to what he says, take time to think about it, research it, ask on here, whatever, but help him to alleviate whatever to problem is.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now, but be happy, the first step to a strong marriage just happened. And kudo's because it began with honesty on his part. This will make it easier to trust him again sooner, and the conversation will help foster a stronger relationship in the long run.