It has been many years since I have been here� Years in which have been tumultuous to say the least. Back when I was the BS of an EA and I thought my heart would never recover. I was determined to make it work.
My husband and I had only been married a little over a year. We were in our mid 20s and had a baby who was 9 months old at the time, I wasn�t about to selfishly leave the marriage because of a broken heart to let my baby grow up without her dad. Even now, talking about it just opens the floodgates of heartbreak that has been buried for the past 16 years.
Husband had a 3 month long EA with the wife of a coworker of his. She was meeting his emotional needs where I was too involved with learning to be a mom. When I found out, his EA ended shortly thereafter. H realized that he wanted to work on our marriage and try to repair the damage that he had created. There was so much than that though the OW found me on this site and stalked me, Befriended me and ultimately mocking me to try to get info on my husband.
It was painful to move past, to move beyond what always sits just in the back of your mind, Just beneath the surface, the dull ache of betrayal that you can�t help feel when your love goes and finds solace in another. Doesn�t matter how long or what happened just knowing is enough to bring the strongest person to their knees. The trust is never fully regained, the heart is never fully healed, the sparkle dulls and the lights that make your relationship bright�.fade�.
This is how it is for me �. 16 years afterwards �. H has never strayed again. Do I believe he�s sorry? Yes. Do I think he will every stray again? I really want to say no, but nothing is guaranteed.
During the time immediately following H�s EA, Bruised and heartbroken I struggled to regain some of what we had. I asked questions, lots of questions, probably more than I should have, I accused and swore and ranted that I was sure they slept together both vehemently denied any physical relationship, (Which we all know an EA is just as bad as a PA).
Over the years since, we have struggled and healed and learned to trust again. It must have been at least 6 years before I stopped checking his emails or browser history or cell phone. Before I didn�t pace the floors when he we out after work with friends. It is a long loadbearing journey. As I am sure many of you know.
H has not had any affairs since.. . More babies came� We moved�. Life goes on. �You learn to live again. Its so emotionally exhausting to think about it all the time, you learn to try to forget, you learn to be happy.
About 8 years ago I suppose is when I really noticed�. the changes in H. The man I married was gone. Leaving this ghost of a man who could care less in his wake. The man who lived in our house was Self-centered, unmotivated, condescending and downright mean. The kids learned to steer clear and I would rather be at work than to come in contact with him, knowing that for him dinner wasn�t good, or his laundry was wrinkled or someone moved his stuff or any miniscule thing could be blown into this huge problem. Over the years it just seems to be worse than the day before. And it made me hate him. I hated that I would cry everyday just because he was mean. I hated that he had that power over me or that I was trapped. Forced to stay in a loveless marriage because of the kids etc.
Not that I am blaming the kids.. they�re really great kids. Teenagers now so the leaving could be easier on them. Everyday I look for a home to accommodate the kids , the dogs and me in our school system, close to work etc�
Recently H has found a new group of friends� not bad people just people that are different from the type of folks we usually associate with. (A bit younger than us in early 40s to their early 30s. They listen to rap music � have a bit of gansta flare� All ok things but not our normal type of People) Honestly I was thrilled.. YAY hes gone all the time now� no condescending remarks� no fighting�. Peaceful! Except he changed � He started liking the rap music.. .started adding some street lingo to his verbiage�. Smiled� and was�. Happy?! Well seemed so when he would call to check in but not when he got home� probably a front for his new peeps. It occurred to me that this new H was in fact very much like the old H that I loved so long ago.
A few weeks ago H and I were arguing about his new friends.. and his spending so much time with them. (just the fact that he wasn�t getting home til midnight or so that wasn�t sitting well with me) H made a statement that if I didn�t want to go hang out with him and be his arm candy then he would find someone who would. How dare he threaten me with an affair! I suppose that as well as all these �changes� put a perspective on this that I hadn�t looked at before. He was actively looking for someone.
Then� I�m not sure what happened. I know I accused him� not of cheating but of looking for someone to cheat with. I let him know how hurt I was by that comment � the conversation actually turned very deep and honest after that.. I told him I was looking to leave and as soon as I could and that I looked for places daily.. I told him how I stayed at work to avoid him. I told him I hated him.
H broke down. H explained that he had shut down emotionally as a way to cope. As a way to massage his own guilt for sleeping with OW all those years and never telling me until now. All those years that he accused me of cheating, of lying, all of it was him, lying to me� keeping me in the dark.
Hearing this confession now� 16 years later�� makes this whole experience fresh� He might has well have slept with her yesterday. The crushing gut wrenching agony feels like it just happened. The lump that rests there in the back of your throat. Yah same as it was then.
I cried, I screamed, I ranted, why didn�t you tell me then?...back then when I was already hurt and could have lumped that into all the other hurt I was feeling. Thank you H for placing your burdens on my shoulders now. Now your conscience is clear and mine is in torment, I would have rather not known at this point.
H,, really remorseful and wants to move forward.. Knows his blackness is all of his own doing. H swears there are no more secrets and swears that this was eating at him.(as well as some other stuff) and that he will change�
I so want to believe him. .. I loved him once. � I cannot bear to think of him reverting back into the darkness my heart cannot handle any more hate�.

I'm sorry, Rox. It sounds like your marriage never recovered from his affair.

What are you wanting to do? Do you want to put the work into turning this marriage around and recovering it? Or are you done and ready to move on? Either option is a good one.

I'm sorry that you not only have had to go through the pain of an affair, but a trickle truth over a period of years. It sounds like you were on these boards years ago, and I have heard that back then the advice given wasn't necessarily in line with MB materials.

Now you would be advised to get all of the info about that affair, and have your H take a polygraph if you didn't think you had all the info (this would have alleviated years of struggle and let you proceed knowing the full truth). Once you got all the info, you would be advised to never speak of the affair again. You also would be advised to affair proof your marriage and create a better marriage than you have ever had. This is how you could rid your life of the lingering resentment and your H could have paid you just compensation. Neither of these things have been done, therefore you have just added 16 years of resentment and a bad marriage to boot. No wonder your marriage is a train wreck!

You can turn this around, if you are both willing to do it the MB way. Anything less would be more of the same that you've had for the last 16 years. Or you can choose to divorce and move on, nobody would fault you for that either.