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At this moment I can't afford the spyware. She asked me to leave, should I refuse? She admitted this morning that there are small feelings towards him and then sent our entire conversation to him over fb messenger.
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At this moment I can't afford the spyware. She asked me to leave, should I refuse? She admitted this morning that there are small feelings towards him and then sent our entire conversation to him over fb messenger. Just tell her no thank you. You have absolutely no reason to leave your home and she certainly cannot legally throw a man out of his own home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can find webwatcher online for around $100. Do you think a divorce will be cheaper than $100?
You cannot afford NOT to find out the truth and bust up this affair.
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I can find webwatcher online for around $100. Do you think a divorce will be cheaper than $100?
You cannot afford NOT to find out the truth and bust up this affair. In addition to this, her anger from you telling the OM's BW and now her confession of feelings for him is telling you that something isn't right, but you need to get the evidence so you can do a proper exposure. They will take this further underground and it will become more entrenched if you don't act now.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Ok. The reason I have fought that step is because I dont have a VAR and I don't want to spend money on spyware for something that she is actually pretty open about. She talks to me every night telling me what they've talked about, shows me messages between the two of them and as far as a physical relationship, she is with me all hours of the day when we aren't working and when she isn't working, I am, and he has the same hours as me. That is the facts I have right now. What spyware do you guys recommend that won't break the bank? What exactly is a VAR and where do I get one? WOW! 14 years ago I could have written this exact same thing! And guess what? My now XH WAS having an emotional affair and, then, left me and our 18-month old to move across an ocean to go live with his girlfriend....and she was in a relationship at that time, too...she dumped her relationship for my XH.
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At this moment I can't afford the spyware. She asked me to leave, should I refuse? She admitted this morning that there are small feelings towards him and then sent our entire conversation to him over fb messenger. It's a shame that you are not listening to us. Nobody told you to expose to the OM's W. Now it will be harder for you to get evidence. The affairees will be MORE careful when what you want is for them to be sloppy. Stop talking to your WW about her feelings for this OM. We already know she has feelings for him. This doesn't help you get evidence. All it does is remind your WW to be careful and gives her an opportunity to gaslight you.
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The affair partners spouse tried talk about it to him last night and it went exactly as expected. When you confront a WS about an affair without evidence, all you are doing is giving the waywards opportunities to gaslight you. Dr Harley uses an example of a BS walking in on a WS having sex with the OP and the OP running out of the house and the WS telling the BS that they were hallucinating. Do you understand yet? This doesn't work without the evidence. 
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At this moment I can't afford the spyware. If you realized that this is heading for divorce which is FINANCIALLY DEVASTATING, you would find a way to make it happen. It's really that simple. People who come here and don't want to install spyware.. usually think they can save their marriage without having to do the hard work of fighting the affair. It won't work. I've never seen it work all the years that I've been here.
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I guess my only question is, what is the point of the spyware? After I collect the evidence, I send it to everyone I know? How could that possibly help when her biggest argument is how she can't stand how controlling I am. Her main source of communication is snapchat. Does webwatcher watch that?
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I guess my only question is, what is the point of the spyware? After I collect the evidence, I send it to everyone I know? How could that possibly help when her biggest argument is how she can't stand how controlling I am. Her main source of communication is snapchat. Does webwatcher watch that? The way it helps is it ruins the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will kill it. If she claims you are "controlling"  to people who have evidence of the affair they will roll their eyes. You are not "controlling" your wife; she controls YOU by subjecting you to her thoughtless, destructive behavior. Just look at what she tried to do to you today? She tried to kick you out of your own home. It doesn't GET more controlling than that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess my only question is, what is the point of the spyware? After I collect the evidence, I send it to everyone I know? How could that possibly help when her biggest argument is how she can't stand how controlling I am. Her main source of communication is snapchat. Does webwatcher watch that? Let me ask you a question. If you took the car keys away from a falling down drunk and she cried "YOU ARE CONTROLLING ME!!"  How would you respond?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess my only question is, what is the point of the spyware? After I collect the evidence, I send it to everyone I know? How could that possibly help when her biggest argument is how she can't stand how controlling I am She is gaslighting you because you keep on discussing the affair with her with no evidence. That is NORMAL. That is why we do not recommend this. When you have evidence and expose it, it will be a different story. Her main source of communication is snapchat. Does webwatcher watch that? First, I googled it and it looks like it does. But even if it doesn't, it would still be worth it to slap spyware on there because you really don't know what she is doing on her phone. That's the point.
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Our goal is to help you save your marriage. Not to avoid a gaslighting wayward from calling you controlling.
With all due respect, being called controlling is the least of your problems.
When you are being dragged through divorce court, spending thousands of dollars on attorneys and facing a new life where you only get to see your children part-time, you will look back and shake your head that you were ever concerned about your WW telling people you were controlling.
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Apparently you are not being "controlling" enough or she wouldn't be having an affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well now she admits to having feelings for him, he admits to having feelings for her, and she told me last night she'd rather be with him. Needless to say, I am devastated but I still want to give this a shot. Do I need to do the whole exposure? I'm worried that the exposure is going to push them closer together. I'm terrified.
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Well now she admits to having feelings for him, he admits to having feelings for her, and she told me last night she'd rather be with him. Needless to say, I am devastated but I still want to give this a shot. Do I need to do the whole exposure? I'm worried that the exposure is going to push them closer together. I'm terrified. Yes, you should do the whole exposure. And you need to do it very soon.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well now she admits to having feelings for him, he admits to having feelings for her, and she told me last night she'd rather be with him. Needless to say, I am devastated but I still want to give this a shot. Do I need to do the whole exposure? I'm worried that the exposure is going to push them closer together. I'm terrified. I totally understand the feeling of being terrified. Which means all the more reason you need to use a proven plan for recovering from this infidelity. You'll feel better knowing you're doing something instead of hanging around hoping she comes back to you. Stick with these folks here and follow their advice to the letter. The end goal here isn't to bust up this affair, that is just the beginning. The end goal is to create a happy and romantic marriage for you and your W. This can't happen while she's keeping her lovebank open to the OM. So bust it up and begin a solid Plan A. You'll get advice for that here too.
Last edited by MrAlias; 12/16/16 08:43 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Affairs thrive on secrecy. Expose it to the light of day so that it will crumble.
If they're not doing anything wrong, you spreading the good news of their relationship shouldn't be a problem, right? The thing is, your marriage can survive her anger over exposure. It can survive her being "pushed into the arms of the OM" (which rarely happens, btw). It can't survive keeping her affair a secret for her.
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There is no hope if you don't expose this. She's already got one foot out the door.
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