Alright so here's what is going on. My wife and I have been married 5 years. We got married young at only 18 (her) and 20 (me). We have a 2 year old. Up until 2 weeks ago, I thought we were fine. Then she hits me with "I love you, but I don't know if I'm IN love with you." Since then it has become clear that she has been thinking of divorce. Needless to say it broke my heart and led to some pretty heated arguments and discussions. I now understand her feelings and completely understand how insensitive and disrespectful I've been over the years and I acknowledge that. I desperately want to make this work but it doesn't seem like she wants to. She hangs on to every negative memory she has involving me and I need help getting past that. Right now her defenses are up and she won't let me in. I guess what I am really asking is this, what can I do to gain her forgiveness for past betrayals of trust and then how do I gain her trust again?

Hello keebler!

The great news is that as the husband, you are in a good position to win your wife back. Have you read the Basic Concepts? Essentially, you will eliminate all lovebusters and work to meet her emotional needs until she falls back in love with you. Women are made to be pursued.

But, for that to work, you need to confirm that there are no other men in the picture. It won't work if she has a new point of comparison. Quietly snoop to find out if she is having an affair. This is an essential step, because if she is then your course of action will be different. There are a couple of red flags in your post that point to the possibility of an affair.

Hi, keebler,

As my wife Prisca mentioned, step one is that you need to confirm there are no other men in the picture. There almost always is when someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Also, can you tell us what you are wanting your wife to forgive you for? What past betrayals of trust are you talking about?

Well as far as other men go, she has several guy friends she has made friends with through work. (She manages an auto parts store) I am in no way suspicious of a physical relationship, but I'm afraid there is a bit of an emotional relationship with an old co-worker from a previous job. As it turns out, he now works at the same place I do so it's very easy for to keep tabs on him. I have expressed my concerns about her guy friends to her and she seems to not care. I do believe her when she says they are just friends but I do feel they could end up being detrimental to our broken relationship right now. As far as what I've done in the past, well the list is long. What it all really boils down to is I've been living as if I'm single and she has always just been my maid and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Now though, I want to make things right, but I keep feeling like it may be too late. She gives no indication that she wants to make things better and it is becoming increasingly hopeless for me. It's like she'd rather ignore the problem altogether.

Okay, the very next step is to eliminate the guy friends from her life. She and you can't continue to see men she has had an emotional attachment to.

The problem I am running into is that she is unwilling to do that. It bothers me to no end, but I don't think there is anything I can do.

Welcome to MB.

I know you like to think that she just has 'guy friends' but your first post seemed very obvious that she is having an affair. Even if it is an emotional affair, considering many women have needs that are not physical, it can be just as damaging to your marriage which is what you are seeing here.

At this point, you really do not KNOW if she just has friendships or an EA or a full blown PA. You need to get this intel. You cannot fight what you do not know about.

Please do some snooping and find out what is going on. Find out the FACTS. Then we can give you the best advice possible to fight for your marriage. Can you do this? I would suggest spyware on her phone, and a VAR in her car.

Ok I get where you are coming from but I've already checked her phone and other things and trust me it wouldn't be possible at this time to have a physical relationship with another man but I do know of the emotional affair. I am not blind to what is happening, just trying to end it. She doesn't want to give up her male friends. That's what I need help with. I have expressed my concerns to her and even the guy she talks to and they both said they understand but haven't slowed their conversation at all. I'm not sure what to do now.

You do not understand the addictive nature of an affair. Affairs are addictive like alcohol or drugs. When people get involved in affairs they enter into a mental 'fog' and do not think clearly or rationally. Think of all the people you've seen in the media who have sacrificed their families, careers, their entire lives for a mediocre affair partner. It is because of the addiction, not necessarily the person.

You are trying to reason with your WW and her AP, and this is not going to work for you. You cannot reason with someone who is in the fog of an affair.

You also need to stop downplaying this EA, her 'guy friend.' She wants to divorce you, and it is because she is falling in love with someone else and has a new point of comparison. This is obviously more serious than some friend.

You keep saying you know exactly what is going on between them, but I think that is highly unlikely. She is not willing to leave her marriage over a friendship and a few chats. It is more entrenched than that, and I am guessing you do not have all the facts.

I would still snoop and find out the facts.

After that, read the Exposure 101 thread and prepare to expose her affair. Exposure is the single greatest weapon to bust up an affair and fight for your marriage. You cannot win her back until the affair is over and exposure is your greatest tool to achieve that.

She has never said that she was leaving me for another man. The guy in question just got married himself a few months ago. I know there are feelings there. I know that. I just don't know how to make her end the relationship without causing massive marital strife between the two of us. I am going to check out that "exposure 101" and try to go over that with her tonight.

No no no, you do not go over that with her. Do not go over ANY of this with her.

Again, you do not understand that you are not talking to a rational person. You are talking to someone who is in an affair fog. She is not going to tell you she is leaving you for another man. She is going to tell you she 'loves you but is not in love with you' because she has fallen 'in love' with someone else. She is going to inflate every bad thing that has ever happened in your relationship, this is called 'rewriting history.' She is going to leave you because you have a bad marriage, the other man is 'just a friend.' The reality is that she would be approaching this 100% different if there was no other man, so in fact, she IS leaving for another man.

You need to wake up here friend. You cannot reason her back. She is not your ally right now.

May I point out you already HAVE massive marital strife. It is there because she is having an affair. Ending the affair should be your #1 goal right now.

Do not share this site with her or any of the advice on it. Right now you are fighting for your marriage and we can give you a game plan for that, but while she is actively involved in an affair she is not your partner in this.

That sure makes a lot of sense. She is doing all of those things right now. Everytime I try to talk to her, she just shuts down and her favorite response is "where have you been for the last 5 years?" and you're right, she has inflated every single memory she has where I have hurt her and it is now a wall of defense. I guess I need to figure out how to end the relationship with her friend.

First, you need to stop calling him her 'friend.' Dude, this is the guy who is stealing your wife and breaking up your marriage. This is her *affair partner.*. Take this seriously.

Next, you need to get the facts. Put some spyware in place to get the facts. This is more entrenched than you realize, I guarantee it.

Finally, read up on exposure and start making a list.

DO ALL THIS WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE.

What it boils down to is she havng an affair. I am sorry to tell you this. It was just a matter of time before it happened because she has very, very inappropriate boundaries around men. Affairs are always caused by opposite sex friendships and she has plenty of those.

The reason we know she is having an affair is because her comment, I love you but am not in love with you, means she has a new point of comparison. Another red flag is how she is rewriting the history of your marriage. This is a classic ploy that serves to jsutify her affair.

So, the first step is to quietly get the evidence of the affair and come back here. Don't confront her yet, just come here and we will help you with next steps.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

We will help you end the affair, but you must first get the evidence. Don't ask her, just be like James Bond and quietly snoop around.

I just love her! She had already told you everything I said! unwritten gives great advice.

When can you get spyware put on her devices? You need to also put a VAR in her car, or wherever she most likely would be talking with this guy. Even though you work with this guy, you don't know who he is talking to from his work phone, or when he is in his vehicle or any of the many other places waywards find to talk.

You've already gotten great advice.

I'm just here to emphasize: Do NOT try to TALK her out of her affair. That will FAIL. That is why Dr Harley does not recommend that or telling your wayward spouse about exposure beforehand.

To repeat: Do NOT discuss exposure or anything on this site with your WW. Do NOT try to talk her out of her affair. Quietly get the evidence (yes, we saw that you know there is conversation going on that she won't quit but you need to see what's in those messages).

Not following this advice will BACKFIRE. Your WS will just take the affair further underground and it will just make fixing your M that much harder.

Why am I repeating myself?? Because many new posters seem to want to skip this step and just "talk" (aka blackmail - I will expose this if you don't stop!!) their WS out of an affair.

That never works.

Two things...

1) You really don't know what has transpired between your W and this OM. Every BS who comes here emphatically tells us "nothing physical has happened yet, trust me". It's normal for a BS to want to feel that way.

We however know what happens in affairs, because its SO common and we see the same thing play out over and over again...once feelings reach the romantic threshold, the affairees become irresistible to each other. I would say that more than 90% of people who come here say their WS only had an EA and MOST of the time that turns out to be untrue.

2) Even if this hasn't become physical (which I don't believe for a second) an EA is just as dangerous as a PA.

Ok so here's the skinny. After some looking into, it appears that they are just friends. But it still bothers me that she won't stop talking to him. She is at the stahe where she has told me she doesn't know if she'll ever love me again. I know that can change but I guess I am going back to my original question, how can I gain her forgiveness for past indiscretions? How can I move her away from concentrating on the hurt and the pain?

What kind of snooping did you do to come to this conclusion? Did you put spyware on her phone as suggested? Did you put a VAR in her car as suggested?

Or did you just ask her

People don't leave their spouse or breakup a family for a friend.

Because I know her. I know him. At this point, I am fairly well convinced there is nothing going on. At this point, I want to figure out how to gain her trust back. How to get her to love me again. She isn't leaving me for him.

You might know her but you don't know cheaters. WE DO. So you need to follow the advice and start snooping. Nothing we can do until you do that.

Here is what I believe you are not realizing: It doesn't matter if she is having a sexual relationship with him or not. It doesn't matter that she is not thinking "If I divorce my husband I can ride off into the sunset with this guy who just married someone else."

What matters is that she is letting another man fill her love bank (intimate conversation is usually a top emotional need for women) which is currently closed to you, because she is comparing the reality of you to the fantasy of him in her mind. Even if she has no thoughts that she could be with him someday, she is likely thinking "I wish I had married a man like _____ and if I wasn't married to Keebler, I could go find one." Therefore she is not currently open to your attempts to be a better man.

In other words, she probably IS having or has had an affair with this guy, but even if you are 100% correct that they are technically only "friends" - the dynamic you are facing IS the equivalent of an affair.

Now that I've given you that cheery news, I personally am not qualified to advise you on HOW to get her love back, but please listen to the people in here - I read this forum a lot and they know what you need to do. The plan of action for getting your spouse to "trust" you again is very different when dealing with an affair mentality than when dealing with a marriage that has gone south for other reasons.

That is why for now they want to you NOT talk to her about this and get some REAL evidence of EXACTLY what is going down between these two. You need a plan, but you can't make the plan until you know exactly what you are dealing with.

Good luck to you!

If you are so convinced that nothing is going on, then what is the harm in making sure?

If there is an affair going on (there is), you could jump through a million hoops to save your marriage and it will be like banging your head against a wall. YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR MARRIAGE IF SHE IS IN AN AFFAIR. This is why it would not be very nice of us to advise you to ignore the fact that she is in an affair, just to watch you bang your head against a wall for months until she divorces you.

All we are asking you to do is to snoop and find out the FACTS. "I know her and I know him" is not FACTS. How many people who have had a spouse have an affair thought they knew their spouse, or their friend or coworker who was the OM, and they wouldn't do that? IT DOESN'T MATTER. Every one of us is wired to have an affair in certain situations. It doesn't matter how well you know someone, in the right situation they could have an affair.

You need to rule out an affair FIRST before you do anything else. If you would rather ride the denial train while you bang your head against a wall until she divorces you, I for one do not want to hang around for that. People post here because they have been through this and are more objective and can give advice to save marriages, people post to help others and pay it forward, not to watch people writhe around in pain until they end up divorced.

Listen, all anyone has asked you to do here is to rule an affair out. Put some spyware on her phone or a VAR in her car for a week. Just rule it out. Why are you fighting that step so much? If you are so convinced you won't find anything, what is the harm?

Ok. The reason I have fought that step is because I dont have a VAR and I don't want to spend money on spyware for something that she is actually pretty open about. She talks to me every night telling me what they've talked about, shows me messages between the two of them and as far as a physical relationship, she is with me all hours of the day when we aren't working and when she isn't working, I am, and he has the same hours as me. That is the facts I have right now. What spyware do you guys recommend that won't break the bank? What exactly is a VAR and where do I get one?

While it's good she's open to you Keebler the fact of the matter is her love bank is open to this other guy.

How do you feel about her sharing much of herself with another guy? It's ok to say it makes you anxious or you're jealous because you should be if she is allowing this other guy to meet some of her needs.

The reason spying is so important is that if you blow your cover and there is something between them they'll just take their affair further underground. She could be removing the messages or conversations she doesn't want you to see and only showing you the ones that look innocent.

A VAR is a voice activated recorder. They won't break the bank. They are small recording devices that are easily hid, like under a seat in her car.

Gotcha. I'm not embarrassed to say I am anxious or jealous. I am both of those things. It takes everything I have to not go tell him to back off every single day. I have expressed to her my concern about him several times and she refuses to let him go, even for a short time. I will look into the VAR and will probably get one but what I am most interested in is the spyware. Any suggestions?

She has ample opportunity to have an affair so I don't know what you are taking about. People have sex at work all the time. And one doesn't even have to have sex to have an affair. . She picks and chooses what to show you. You need to see what they do when you aren't looking. A VAR is a voice activated recorder and you can get it at walmart or radio shack. I would get her phone and put webwatcher on it.

Do you want to spend money on a divorce? Because that is where you are headed. I can assure you divorce is far more costly than spyware.

To say she is 'pretty open about' something is putting blind trust in her word. You only know what she tells you. We are telling you to investigate what she ISN'T pretty open about and what you DON'T know.

x2

If you do this and you get information regarding their affair, send it to yourself and save it, and do not confront her with this. Come back here and we will help you with next steps (exposure).

We've had plenty of BS's come here knowing that their WS was in a "friendship" and "communicating" with the OP but didn't realize how entrenched their relationship was. That's not uncommon.

That and her showing you the messages is a tactic to "prove" to you that this is just a friendship so that your fears about any affair will be pacified and apparently it worked.

Talking to them will not work, I hope you realize that now.

You did not mention exposure to your WW, right?

No I have not mentioned any of this. I have, in fact, been in contact with the affair partners spouse. She was very thankful to hear what I had to say and I turned her on to this site. I was also very clear about discretion and she agreed with that as well. I can only hope that that helps some while I attempt to collect evidence about the affair.

When will you be able to install webwatcher?

Well, [censored] hit the fan. The affair partners spouse tried talk about it to him last night and it went exactly as expected. My wife FLIPPED out this morning and kicked me out, told me she wants a divorce and told me she no longer wants to work on it. Then, 2 hours later she is still going to go on a date with me this weekend, go to family events, and hasnt stopped talking to me since.

This is why The advice was to get the evidence, and then do a full exposure all at once. You did not get evidence and you exposed to one person, and although she is the most important exposure target neither of you have the evidence and now the affairees will simply claim they are just friends and you are crazy and take this further underground.

You really need to stop making decisions based on what you think you know, and instead follow a plan.

Where are you at with spyware? How did she 'kick you out' exactly? I would pack your things and move back in today.

At this moment I can't afford the spyware. She asked me to leave, should I refuse? She admitted this morning that there are small feelings towards him and then sent our entire conversation to him over fb messenger.

Just tell her no thank you. You have absolutely no reason to leave your home and she certainly cannot legally throw a man out of his own home.

I can find webwatcher online for around $100. Do you think a divorce will be cheaper than $100?

You cannot afford NOT to find out the truth and bust up this affair.

In addition to this, her anger from you telling the OM's BW and now her confession of feelings for him is telling you that something isn't right, but you need to get the evidence so you can do a proper exposure. They will take this further underground and it will become more entrenched if you don't act now.

Read this.
Men Don't leave your home

WOW! 14 years ago I could have written this exact same thing! And guess what? My now XH WAS having an emotional affair and, then, left me and our 18-month old to move across an ocean to go live with his girlfriend....and she was in a relationship at that time, too...she dumped her relationship for my XH.

It's a shame that you are not listening to us. Nobody told you to expose to the OM's W. Now it will be harder for you to get evidence. The affairees will be MORE careful when what you want is for them to be sloppy.

Stop talking to your WW about her feelings for this OM. We already know she has feelings for him. This doesn't help you get evidence. All it does is remind your WW to be careful and gives her an opportunity to gaslight you.

When you confront a WS about an affair without evidence, all you are doing is giving the waywards opportunities to gaslight you. Dr Harley uses an example of a BS walking in on a WS having sex with the OP and the OP running out of the house and the WS telling the BS that they were hallucinating.

Do you understand yet? This doesn't work without the evidence.

If you realized that this is heading for divorce which is FINANCIALLY DEVASTATING, you would find a way to make it happen. It's really that simple.

People who come here and don't want to install spyware.. usually think they can save their marriage without having to do the hard work of fighting the affair.

It won't work. I've never seen it work all the years that I've been here.

I guess my only question is, what is the point of the spyware? After I collect the evidence, I send it to everyone I know? How could that possibly help when her biggest argument is how she can't stand how controlling I am. Her main source of communication is snapchat. Does webwatcher watch that?

The way it helps is it ruins the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will kill it.

If she claims you are "controlling" to people who have evidence of the affair they will roll their eyes.

You are not "controlling" your wife; she controls YOU by subjecting you to her thoughtless, destructive behavior. Just look at what she tried to do to you today? She tried to kick you out of your own home. It doesn't GET more controlling than that.

Let me ask you a question. If you took the car keys away from a falling down drunk and she cried "YOU ARE CONTROLLING ME!!" How would you respond?

She is gaslighting you because you keep on discussing the affair with her with no evidence. That is NORMAL. That is why we do not recommend this. When you have evidence and expose it, it will be a different story.


First, I googled it and it looks like it does. But even if it doesn't, it would still be worth it to slap spyware on there because you really don't know what she is doing on her phone. That's the point.

Our goal is to help you save your marriage. Not to avoid a gaslighting wayward from calling you controlling.

With all due respect, being called controlling is the least of your problems.

When you are being dragged through divorce court, spending thousands of dollars on attorneys and facing a new life where you only get to see your children part-time, you will look back and shake your head that you were ever concerned about your WW telling people you were controlling.

Apparently you are not being "controlling" enough or she wouldn't be having an affair!

Well now she admits to having feelings for him, he admits to having feelings for her, and she told me last night she'd rather be with him. Needless to say, I am devastated but I still want to give this a shot. Do I need to do the whole exposure? I'm worried that the exposure is going to push them closer together. I'm terrified.

Yes, you should do the whole exposure. And you need to do it very soon.

I totally understand the feeling of being terrified. Which means all the more reason you need to use a proven plan for recovering from this infidelity. You'll feel better knowing you're doing something instead of hanging around hoping she comes back to you. Stick with these folks here and follow their advice to the letter.

The end goal here isn't to bust up this affair, that is just the beginning. The end goal is to create a happy and romantic marriage for you and your W. This can't happen while she's keeping her lovebank open to the OM. So bust it up and begin a solid Plan A. You'll get advice for that here too.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. Expose it to the light of day so that it will crumble.

If they're not doing anything wrong, you spreading the good news of their relationship shouldn't be a problem, right? The thing is, your marriage can survive her anger over exposure. It can survive her being "pushed into the arms of the OM" (which rarely happens, btw). It can't survive keeping her affair a secret for her.

There is no hope if you don't expose this. She's already got one foot out the door.

What's going on with the spyware?

Even if you expose this and bust up the affair, the only way for you to ensure the affair hasn't gone further underground or to ensure it doesn't flare back up in a few weeks or months is to have spyware on her phone.

There is nothing to give a 'shot' here Keebler. She has basically told you she is chosing him, and leaving you for him. What exactly are you giving a shot?

We told you there was an affair and you refused to snoop, saying you 'know her' and you 'know him' and know there is not an affair. We told you to snoop and find out the truth and you refused because it was too expensive and you just didn't want to. We told you to read exposure 101 so that when you did have the evidence you could do a thorough exposure and kill this affair, and you decided to do your own sloppy one person exposure with no evidence. Is this all your idea of giving it a shot? You, my friend, are not being strategic or following a plan. You are just 'reacting' to the circumstances, instead of taking control and fighting it.

If you really want to give this a shot, then you need to start following advice. If I haven't mentioned it already, the advice comes from Dr Harley who has been dealing with affairs for over 40 years. 40 years! He has figured out a plan that gives you the best chance possible to save your marriage. Do you think you know more than Dr Harley about how to fight affairs and save your marriage? You are following Plan Keebler right now and it is not working.

Every day that goes by makes this MORE difficult to save. You have already wasted valuable days and made strategic mistakes. You cannot afford to make any more. You cannot afford to let your fear run the show.

1) Get spyware on her phone and her car. Do it today.
2) Make your exposure list based on the exposure 101 thread. Do it exactly as is recommended, you cannot afford another halfway exposure.
3) Get the evidence, and expose far and wide. NOTE: I have never seen this push AP's into each others arms. Sometimes, the exposure comes too late and is not done right and the affair is far enough entrenched that they stay together DESPITE the exposure, but they never stay together BECAUSE of the exposure.

Tell us your plan for getting this all done.

Well the last few days have definitely been eye opening. Turns out, the woman I thought I knew has been having sex with this other guy for who knows how long. I still have hopes to rekindle our marriage, but she has zero desire. Turns out I didn't need soyware on her phone to get evidence. I simply blocked his number from calling hers and their conversation switched from text and snapchat to facebook messenger which I have access to hers. I now know exactly how entrenched the affair is and a lot of things I wish I didn't. They thought I was going to move out of my own house and he was going to move right in and that they were going to live happily ever after. I made it clear I wasn't leaving by changing the locks and throwing a bag full of her clothes in her car. She got the hint. Later that night, they were at a hotel together amd they had sex and he then apparently asked her to leave because he wanted to work on his own marriage. She came home and begged me to let her in. I left her alone at home last night and today I am going to go over tell her its either our faamily or him. And if she chooses him, I am going to invite her to leave. I have plenty of evidence now to expose the affair the proper way and will be doing so TODAY. My goal is to create such a shock to the system that she realizes how weak her relationship with her affair partner really is. I am honestly pissed at myself for not listening to you guys earlier but, as I am sure you've seen often, I was in denial. Without hard proof, how could I assume there was anything going on? Let me know what you folks think about my plan.

Who is on your exposure list? And when will you be exposing?

And ask the MODS to move your thread to SAA.

My exposure list hasn't exactly been compiled yet. But it is going to include everyone.

I think you need to ask US what your plan should be, based on Dr Harley's plan, instead of asking us what we think of 'your plan.' You are still making decisions based on emotions and not strategy.

Did you read Exposure 101? Are you planning to follow the templates in there?

keebler, go read the thread linked in my signature and get the affair epxosed today. Be sure and contact the OM's wife again and tell her everything you know.

The affair needs to be exposed at work, too, and your wife needs to NEVER go back there again.

But we told you...we told you the proof was that she was not interested in the marriage, that she was saying ILYBINILWY and that she was texting men that she had feelings for. We told you was an affair. I had much less information in my case when I first knew something was terribly wrong with my ex H.

Folks that come here and are in denial and ignore advice are typically people that make decisions based on feelings vs logic.

Part of good decision making in life is setting aside your feelings and listening to OBJECTIVE experienced third parties, especially when you are dealing with a situation that you have no idea about.

Do you think you are capable of doing that? Because I still see signs that you are not really listening.

We really do want to help you and this situation is fixable, but cherry picking and doing Plan Keebler will just make a bad situation WORSE.

Nobody told you to do this. You are correct that you shouldn't have left but throwing her out this way is not what Dr Harley would have advised. That was a big love buster.

This is not what we would have advised you to do.

You are putting the cart before the horse. Sometimes it takes a few days for the exposure to fully sink in and won't help you to have a come to jesus with her on the same day you do a nuke exposure.

Please just focus on doing a proper exposure and then we will tell you the next steps. Read Exposure 101 and tell us who you will be exposing to and in what manner.

The goal of exposure is to add reality and help burst the fantasy bubble. Your wording here in addition to what you have already written concerns me. You don't need to embellish Dr Harley's Plan A - be calm, firm about your exposure (don't apologize for it) while at the same time meeting her ENs (sometimes this means just making the home inviting and being a good caregiver to your children) and avoiding love busters.

While I appreciate the wise words here, my plan worked. He went back to his wife, and mine returned to me. I know I could have done things differently but what I did worked. We are now on the road to recovery and I feel very optimistic that we are going to be great.

Let us know when you are ready for objective experienced advise.

I am guessing you might be when 1) the affair rekindles (which it will in like, a day, since it was not exposed properly and no precautions have been taken to end contact for life and 2) you have another DDay, which sadly is inevitable.

If it were only this easy to kill an affair and 'recover'.... But it's not. Sorry.

I agree with unwritten. Let us know when you're ready to follow a plan to recover your marriage. Without affair proofing your marriage and a plan to build up your marriage to be better than before the affair, you're headed for repeat D-days, which we have seen happen many times when no precautions are put in place.

Also, read this.
False recovery need voices of experience

Any person that has really recovered from an affair would NEVER emphatically declare that any plan had "worked" one day after dday.

No offense, but that is a ridiculous statement.

She quit her job? Did you expose at work?

I am unclear what gives you the idea you are on the road to recovery? What gives you that idea because we don't see that.

This may have been the most frustrating thread I have ever read in my life. Why come here for advice if you are unwilling to follow any that people that have been through this give you?