Hello everyone....I am 50 and writing this for my cousins
sake. She is 25 and got married for 2 year plus.We thought she is doing extremely fine.But happens to hear that they were not.Physical intimacy all these years seems nil ,since the boy seems to have a sort of curable physical issue but unwilling to take the matter to doctor. They came out of joint family and were trying to start their own .Seems the boy is highly work alcoholic inviting long hours in office and the girl couldn't understand and feel his care and commitment towards her.For their career sake ,both are living alone at present and though the girl is interested to join him,there is no such sign from their side!!..including the boy...Guess the boy also seems to have been affected a lot...She sacrificed her job for the family sake and out of her possession on him of late has become hyper and has started to hurt her and also him ,occasionally.. She is restless and has a big question before regarding her future ...Both parents are non committal and the boy is not reachable in any mode!!!Give godly and positive guidance.All her close family has been shaken for more than a year!!!

Can you give an example?
They are married, but no children?

Hello...
They are married and together for a year and half around and now away due to commitments and may be he not willing to take her back...There was a time ,when he stopped sorts of benefits,like being a provider and latter was asking her to vacate...etc,etc...She started to request/nudge/demanded reasons... and guess kept on hanging ..seems he dont behaved like a 10 percent responsible men...he loved his gadgets and seems was spending time with them all...there seems a non existence platform to talk,listen or to take her away to places...job and his style of brought up was the reply she used to get..unfortunately seems they never tried to indulge in family life earnestly...he has some issues physically,it seems too...Later ,both seems to started to abuse each other mentally and physically and being a man the latter part mostly by him..neighbors were getting annoyed..she started to feel very lonely..in fact she was persuading her research then and also was trying for new jobs....no money and no love from nobody inclusive of her in laws and parents ....so trivial things started to blow up big and she came back to her parents since she at a point of time started to feel very insecure and threatened there...now its going to be one year around..she seems to love him still mand want him badly..but he is not willing to invite her back or not even pick her calls...in laws too has deserted and her parents dont see light at the end of tunnel....we too are too confused....wish her to surrender herself fully to God and wait for his guidance...knew she has hurt elders and her hubby by her adamant nature(as they see her)...may be to some extent it might be true...but as we knew her she is a one who longs for love and talk a bit about equality...may be if she has been loved,she wouldn't not have behaved rudely on occasions...

Nails, it is kind of you to try and find help for your cousin.

I see no marriage here, for a couple with this much conflict including mental and physical abuse on both sides, married for only a year, and not even living together (did I get this all right?). I would advise her to cut her losses and move on.

If she wants to save the marriage, her H would first need to take some anger management classes and learn how to control his anger. She should not move back in with him until he has demonstrated that he has his anger under control for at least a year. If he does this (unlikely, based on your description of him), they should never spend another night apart, and they should follow the MB plan to eliminate LB's, fill each other's EN's, and create a romantic marriage between them.

She cannot change this marriage without him being 100% on board though and based on your description of him, it sounds unlikely that he will be.

She can take this option to him, but if he is unwilling to do even the first step (anger management) I would tell her to cut her losses and move on. She should not hang around allowing herself to be abused.

Hello unwritten....
I am so sorry for this delayed reply..We were away on an X Mas trip ...
Though even me dont see a light at the end of the tunnel,i dont want to hurt her feelings by conveying this.,i mean there is almost no scope..But we haven't talked to that boy yet to understand his versions..What i also do feel is ,it is their private territory ,wherein if we venture too much in a way of helping,it might sometime could close the door completely shut..i thought of mailing him today ,asking if i could be of any help in bridging their gap...what causes everyone to panic is the time ,which is running out fast and ,few more months ,it would be almost an year they are away,with no proper and earnest attempt from anybody from either side been attempted.We are trying to reach their parents ,but though they project themselves as very angry because their daughter in law,they are invincible.,saying it would be boys decision and what we could do?Being the guys from the girls side,even we are not in a position to open up the problem that are on their side,fearing if we do ,then even a glimmer of hope which might be there would also been lost!!!When i talked to her,seems she is slowly resigning herself to her fate ,feeling utterly helpless ....As you have pointed guess its no marriage existing and its going to be an effort from only one side ,thinking of saving that...Being a family living in conservative approach ,even we could not think of another marriage as of now...Wish to see them to initiate a matured approach,so that by shedding their egos ,could probably slowly coming into one another fold...can it happen ..is a million dollar question...Humanly we would love to do something...But knew it should be the Gods will,which should be allowed to happen...Shall we ask her to keep waiting,so that his anger could reduce and could possibly could open a way for dialogue? or could we go and ask everything abruptly,since always the clock seems to run tooo fast now a days??????

I would not ask her to keep waiting. What is she waiting for? She has no marriage to speak of, and her situation will not change if she just hangs around miserably waiting for it to change on its own. We are participants in our lives, not spectators.

I would advise her to set her boundaries with her H, as I stated, and if he is not willing to meet these to end this marriage and move on.

You really don't need his side of the story. She has every right to set boundaries as to what she needs to remain in this marriage.

If they did not have sexual relations, the marriage can probably be annulled.
Which country do you live in?

Could be ..from India...but she just could not think anybody in place of him...What i do feel is ,she should let her decision to God and should hear him...If God put her back to him,its fine and in case and if not ,wish she should not cling to her desires!!!! ...

Hello unwritten and all well wishers...
She is confused a lot by reading verses and quotes from bible,since Bible relates..divorce..adultery and re marriage.......that is what should keep disturbing her...Though she want to live with him,guess her love or vice versa is almost non existent..At this condition ,it should be natural....But,she is just afraid to live alone again...all through her life..she is intelligent and hope to see her through some good jobs soon...but probably she is very open often and just could not wait a bit longer about reading other minds too...Maybe she is too good and too innocent,in a way ....The boy side is borrowing time,just to talk with him...At the moment,we just keep waiting for the sake of her,replying nothing against them,since it wont serve purpose...But facing her and talking to her has become too heavy for us....

She will suffer more pain the longer she waits making a decision.
Sometimes you have to make a decision based on what you wish you would have done 10 years from now instead of what feels right at this moment.