This is so complicated or at least it feels like it...no it is

Significant other is putting tons of pressure on relationship with step child relationship. Step child has not spoken to me in years (adult years). And the truth is I have not gone out of my way to speak to stepchild either (ie you want your space here it is, please note I have countless attempts and sleepless nights and hours prior to this decision). My lack of desire to work on step child relationship stems from years of always giving and not receiving. (a little back ground... bio-dad and extended family severed communication with stepchild for about 12 years and has recently opened lines of communications). Step child carries deep emotional trauma that they are not willing to address in adult years. (well I assume emotional trauma)

Everything I read is that commitment to each other is top priority. Is this reality? Significant other seems to hold our happiness in bondage to stepchild relationship. When I bring this up it is met with hostility.

Recently relinquished all parental responsibility to significant other (this hasnt gone over well either).

I need a starting point, some solid foundation (I a have graciously turned this over to God).

We have tried Marriage Builders book but that has stalled and it is my perception that significant other has not committed to the process (but I suspect its that we react differently to our short comings...I tend to analyse and forgive myself then move on, SO tends to beet self up and blame outside influences). MB has certainly helped me to understand myself and my role. But one way accountability doesn't heal a marriage (at least for me it does not). And negative influences outside of the marital vows (ie anything other than each other) appear to do nothing but whittle away at the relationship.

Anyone with similar experience and thoughts?

Welcome to MB.

Are you and your significant other legally married? For how long, if so?

What sex are you, and what sex is your significant other?

SC I assume he is the H. He talks about the step child being disconnected from his bio-Dad. So he's in a R with the step child's bio Mother.

From what you've explained or how you've explained it is sounds as if your W is making a SD. It could be you are doing much of the same. I don't see any negotiating going on here. It appears you two are taking the hard stance of what you want and aren't working together to find a solution that works for both of you.

This needs to be a partnership where you come to an enthusiastic agreement on how best to handle the step child relationship.

Commitment to each other is top priority but providing extraordinary care for each other is the actual commitment. Not making selfish demands, having angry outbursts, ignoring the problem (turning it over to God) ... none of those are what I would call extraordinary care for each other.

You say you tried a MB book? Which one? As there are at least 3 key books I can recommend that a couple read before they can actually say they tried to implement MB.

His Needs, Her Needs
LoveBusters
Fall in Love, Stay in Love

There may be other better recommendations but in my eyes those 3 that my W and I have read cover a great majority of what Dr Harley teaches.

Big assumptions there, MrA. On what basis do you assume that he is the husband? How do you know this is a man? How do you know that he is married?

There is a reason why the post was written as it was.

Sorry, was just trying to help out. Cut to the quick. I'll let the poster answer definitively.

MB Book His Needs Her Needs. Married 12 years. I am the H. SC is a young adult. Absolutely selfish demands and not working to find a compromise. Both directions I am sure. Hard stance yep...W wants absolute harmony with SC, I am fine with no relationship (actually I am not) but not hindering a separate relationship. But SC is an adult and external to marital home. I think there are compromise/relationship issues and the SC relationship just magnifies them. Any relationship is a two way street. Had a heated discussion the other night where I was pointing out some love busters (as well as my own) it helped a bit to bring calm and defuse a little until conversation was turned back to SC.

What is extraordinary care?

As for turning it over to God...an act of faith is not an act of ignoring the problem.

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips?
Blended Families

It is what you should provide to your spouse. What that exactly entails depends on what she needs from you. Basically you need to meet her most important emotional needs (and even those that aren't most important) and completely avoid all LoveBusters.

If you aren't familiar with LoveBusters I'd suggest you two get the book and read through it. The book will bring to light a lot of things that probably exist in your M that you brush aside assuming they aren't a problem. Independent Behavior, Selfish Demands, Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, Dishonesty, etc.

Improving your R with your W will bring to you two the tools you need to negotiate the SC situation. Instead of that issue being adversarial it will become a collaboration effort where you work together to find a solution that makes you both enthusiastic (POJA). Stop treating this as a "you against her" issue.

If you learn to understand the entire program this will make more sense to you. HNHN is a great start but it's only a portion of what you will need to have a happy M.

Was not aware of the blended family post with radio clips and thanks for pointing this out to me. Listening now.

You're welcome and tell us what you think.

just a quick update...WOW...

I am about halfway through this link of information. I was making a list of what hit home but 10/31/2016 broadcast has me very emotional...its not our situation exactly but it resonates.

Ok....listened to it all...then decided to read my original post and question...

The answer is yes there are a lot of people with similar experiences. And yes it really can be complicated.

So maybe the next question is how did we end up here? Root Cause?

And then the next question is how to we find a path to fix it?